Panicking about a "wanted" relocation

[MsKeats]

I live in an area that I have lived in for 12 years. I live in a house I have a large mortgage on -but with much equity in. I have children -all who go to schools far from the house -giving me a 2 hour round commute. We have about 3 really, really good friends here -but in lockdown -it was crap. Like it was for a lot of people. But I was desolate without my parents who live 200 miles away.

I speak to my parents daily and we go and visit every 1/2 term -they are 200 miles plus away in an area I haven't lived in for 30 years but love and was raised there. My DC are close to my parents. I do have some old school friends there -but my parents are 80 and currently fit and healthy and do lots with the DC when we are there.

We planned to move in 5 years when eldest goes to university - as they want to go there -and I have no reason to think they wouldn't. They want to go there because of family connections to it. I can't see that changing. So I thought move in 5 years and then DC can live at home and commute to local city to go to that university - or there are 4 others without any issues to get to.

Ex is involved in one DC's life (youngest) but not others -through court. He currently has EOW and some holiday but not 50%. He is not supportive and difficult.
I mooted moving several times in the last few years and no response. A few months ago I asked him what he thought about me moving this year, he didn't reply. All 3 DC want to go and this year wouldn't have an effect on exams. I went to the solicitor as ex didn't reply to any letters, emails etc about moving and the advice is that I have full custody, there is no restriction on me moving -the lack of a response means he would have to go to court to file -an emergency order to stop me going but as I have a restraining order given by the court to protect me against him -and I'm willing to change EOW to give him all half-terms 3 weeks -2 weeks at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer that he wouldn't get far and the court would not stop me. He has no family locally here and his parents are based an hour further away than mine.

To my shock and amazement a job has come up in the area for January for my type of work. I've discussed it with them and have a drafted application done -to be finished tonight to submit tomorrow.

Of course I might not get the job -or even get an interview. But my current boss- thinks I'm well qualified and as it is not "the normal time" for people in our positions to move -I could have a really good chance.

I could sell the house -downsize massively and although a like for like house would be more if we went from 6 bedrooms (currently) to a 3/4 bedroom we would be able to release about 100K out of the house and I could reduce the mortgage and pay off some debts.

So why am I panicking and worried? Is this normal?
I don't have a partner, and although I love my house and the area I live -my ex being around the corner even with a restraining order -isn't nice. I also had a very awful relationship with a man that lived locally but although I extracted myself quickly -he is still regularly an arsehole and contacts me and puts pressure on me etc. For a short while I didn't work and he was living with me and paying the mortgage and is trying to claim the money back from me despite letters from him saying it was a gift etc.

Has anyone done anything like this? How did it go?

I'm waiting for counselling through the well being service and my "old" counsellor who gave me help and suppport - currently waiting for an appointment. If I talk to my parents - they say it is my choice but yes they would like me closer. Talk to my "friends" the really close ones -they want me to stay -but it is easy for them -all 3 of my best friends have their own parents nearby. I do have RL support but I feel very conflicted.

I can see positives for you on leaving, but what about your dc? Are they all really happy to give up friends and move? How old are they?

Your parents are 80. I'm sorry, but they may not be around for much longer. What happens if you move then they get ill/die?

Is where they live just as good in terms of schools, work for you, etc? Will you know anyone there?

I can totally see why you're conflicted. It's not an easy decision as you have several people to consider.

Not bad timing if the eldest is year 8, especially if you were planning it for in 5 years anyway. If you've got nothing to lose by going for the interview, then go for it. And good luck! If you get offered it and then change your mind, you've not lost anything.

and the whole reason that you're panicking and worried may be that it's exciting and the break that you deserve?

@tenlittlecygnets

I can see positives for you on leaving, but what about your dc? Are they all really happy to give up friends and move? How old are they?

Your parents are 80. I'm sorry, but they may not be around for much longer. What happens if you move then they get ill/die?

Is where they live just as good in terms of schools, work for you, etc? Will you know anyone there?

I can totally see why you're conflicted. It's not an easy decision as you have several people to consider.

Dc really want to go -really very much so. We live so far away from their schools that they find it difficult to make friends. We are back at 6pm most school nights and then homwork etc -bed and repeat. Weekends are home with a couple of local acitvities -but can't see it restarting until September next year. Eldest sees it as an opportunity to make friends and go to a local outstanding school maybe 10 -15 minutes walk from where we live. Schools are outstanding where we are but outstanding there with no need for long car / bus journeys.

I have 2/3 very good old friends. My parents can die at any point -if we move and they die in 6 months time (I hope not!) we will at least have had 6 months of quality weekends with them and maybe popping around once in the week.

Likewise if my parents are fit for another 5-10 years -we get that time and so do the kids with my parents to whom they are close.

For example my mother goes to the local book club etc and I could join her. Eldest is good to look after the younger ones for a short amount of time -or could drop off with my Dad.

If I didn't go and they died in 3 years time and we were planning to go in 5 years -I'd be -what's the point? But might still go.

It's a big step, you are bound to be nervous and worried. But there are so many positives. I'd go, you will regret it if you don't. Good luck!

Change is scary, and contemplating a new job, new house & new schools is a lot. I've commuted before then moved to new area/job & the difference to my life from NOT commuting was huge! You'd save so much free time by being nearer schools & your parents. Maybe write down a pros & cons list? Moving sounds like it has a lot of positives, and even if you don't get this job this could be a catalyst for you to start networking/ actively job hunting in the new area. Good luck with whatever you decide X

Ive been in a similar position, though v different circumstances - planned, positive, much-longed for move. I'd been wanting to go for years, and then when we got all our ducks in a row, it was absolutely terrifying. I felt sick for weeks, i barely slept, i ended up back on antidepressants. Basically, change is really, really hard. I went anyway. It's the best thing I've ever done.

I move quite a bit and am planning on moving back to London next summer. My parents have long died (they lived in another country half the time anyway). I will be leaving a good group of friends, but as my kids are teens I'm looking to their next phase (they would have to move for further education) and my own - I just don't see the opportunities and things I want to get involved in where I live now.
As your kids are pretty young you are bound to make friends through the school. And the school run in and of itself would make me move in your situation!
I'm on my own too (widow) and didnt marry til 40 so have always been independent.
Be brave and go for it! In fact with so many positive reasons to move you should be asking yourself 'why would I stay'?

Go for it. Life is too short.

Go! I’d have gone years ago esp with the ex so close. It’s all plus points, go and enjoy your time with your parents.

Move! Perfect age for the children to move. Your own peace of mind definitely worth it. Relationship with grandparents is precious. And imagine how freeing not bumping into either of those men every time you leave the house?

Smaller mortgage, more freedom. Smaller house, yes, but less to keep clean. And not associated with any of the bad times.

My DH is a bit like you OP. I'm a bit more "go for it" but even when we've sat down together and listed all the pros and cons so he can see that we're making exactly the right decision, he still has the wobblies!

This sounds like a perfect opportunity for you. I'm a great believer in fate, so even if nothing comes of that job you mentioned, I'd be looking at that as a sign from the universe (I know, I know ) that it'll all be OK. I am as mad as a box of frogs though...

Best of luck with whatever you decide

You need to do more research first.

I moved to an area within catchment area of an outstanding school. It was Avery large school and all the kids in the neighborhood went there so didn't think for a second my kids wouldn't get a place.

I was wrong. The local arrangement was feeder schools getting first choice. As the other secondary was very much under performing, parents got their kids to go the out of area primary school. As a result, anyone new moving in the area of the good school got no chance.

In the end, the waiting list wasn't long and they manage to move in but it was two instances of having to adapt to a new school.

Don't let your desperation to move to assume everything will work out for the best for everyone. Do your research.