To ask for a little contribution towards a household bill?

[chrismoyles]

I'm in a LDR of almost two years. Bf is 8 years younger and lives with his parents, I live with my two kids. I pay all my bills, don't get money from UC as my wage is 'too high' so everything we have, I pay for. I'm not looking for a pity parade as that's fine with me. So when LD bf comes to stay (which is roughly once every 4-6 weeks) he stays about 2 weeks a time. He eats A LOT OF my food (he has problems with an ED which I've posted about before) and when I complain about it he says I'm free to eat whatever I want when I'm at theirs. However I don't feel the need to eat and eat and eat when I'm there like he does at mine as I don't eat a great deal, I have the odd meals and snack at his (we mostly eat out which we generally go halfs on) and I like and respect his parents in that I wouldn't eat a ton of their food, especially food that I know they might be saving for something or as a little treat. He is trying to get help for his ED but sometimes I wonder if he actually believes he has one or if it's just nagging from me that makes him see about it. Either way, covid has sort of put a spanner in the works help wise but I can't help but find it extremely frustrating - he got up last night when I was asleep due to a bad cough and this morning I've found an empty ice cream carton in the bin. Myself and DD had eaten roughly 1/5 of it, he had a massive amount last week and I made a fuss about it being a treat for me and DD (of which he said pitifully, "so am I not allowed to have any?") and now I see that he's polished it off leaving none for me and DD.

He also ate a full watermelon over two days last week while I was in work which was bought for me and DS - we didn't have a morsel of it. I've found myself hiding food meant for the kids otherwise I know he'll eat it and I'll have to buy more and they'll temporarily go without. I've told him this but it's like he can't help himself - he suffers from a form of bulimia. He doesn't seem to see fit to pay me or re-buy these items as he obviously sees me as a free house. He finished off my cheese last week and when I made a massive fuss because I found out it was gone when I was about to put it on DD's pasta he went out to buy some from the local corner shop. This cheese is pretty much almost gone now, not through my or kids doing.
He will buy us takeaways quite often but also expects me to pay for some which is fine however when we do have takeaways/eat out I tend to choose something for say £6/£7 whereas he'll buy multiple items such as three starters and a main) which comes to say £15 so now I've stopped wanting any as I'm fed up of being taken for a ride.

This isn't the crux of my post but I wanted to give some background. So whenever he comes down here I never ask him to contribute to bills because I don't see why he should because he doesn't live here and I don't contribute to any bills when I'm up there however I'm there sometimes 3-4 days every 3 or so months when he's here a lot longer and more often. He's been down for almost a fortnight now and he brought his air con machine as he came down when the hot weather was starting a couple of weeks ago. I knew this would take quite a lot of electric but not as much as I was expecting. I have one of those key meter things for the electric and when I got paid this time last month there was £46 on there which I knew would last me roughly six weeks.

Yesterday morning the electric went out as the money had run out, so I'd used this £46 in a month. I knew this was because of the air con machine as I've not done anything else out of the ordinary. I can give or take being hot or cold but bf seems to have serious issues with being hot. He'll stand outside in the cold or sleep with a fan on him regularly.

So last night after much anticipation I finally asked him if he would be willing to contribute a bit to my electric bill because the air con machine made it go down really quickly. As I said I've not asked him for anything before, he lives with his parents, pays them £250 a month keep and is self employed to the tune of £52k a year. Not that this matters but I'm making a point that he can afford it. His reply was "umm ok" in a very unsure voice. I asked if that was acceptable and I had the same "yeah ok" unsure voice.

I'm at the end of my tether with him tbh. He's becoming more and more selfish and the fact that he doesn't see that I'm not on amazing pay compared to him (I take home roughly £2k a month) and decides to eat all my food and doesn't like the idea of contributing to the bill that he created is just putting nails into the coffin to be honest. He put an online pasta specialist food order onto my card the day after he came down for £26 as his wallet was upstairs (stupid me said it's fine, put it on mine and send me the money back) and despite me reminding him, he hasn't paid me back and I wasn't even fussed for this order and barely ate any of it so it's not even like I was wanting it. If I knew I was going to end up paying for it I'd have said to forget it or to get up and get your wallet. I know I should be more strong when it comes to getting my money back and getting him to pay me back for the outgoings I've mentioned in my post but he already makes fun of me for counting the pennies and keeping a close eye on my budget (I have to or I'll run out of money) that I know it would be the same if I started about this. However from reading back this post it sounds to me like he's the tight one and is taking advantage of my good nature.

He can be generous at times, we went on a massive holiday this time last year and he paid for most of it although he got to choose the hotels etc and the holiday could have been made quite a bit cheaper than it was but he wasn't 'staying in shit cheap hotels'.

Sorry for such a long post, I just wanted to know if I was BU or if he is. And any tips on sorting this out? Thanks.

I don'nt see why he doesn't put himself in a Sainsbury's order for when he arrives, he knows how much he eats surely, it's completely unacceptable for him to eat your children's food and not replace it immediately.

I dont think that ye guys are compatible

Op

With respect, you’re being a shit mother. You don’t earn a huge amount, presumably save very little or anything.

Work out what you’re spending on him.
End the relationship.
Set up a savings account for your children and channel the amount of money you were spending on him on to the savings account for your children.

FGS OP, woman up. Mother up. Do it.

* He does sound immature and is clearly taking the piss when it comes to money - but no one would choose to have an eating disorder and I would be quite surprised if he wasn't already embarrassed about going to the bathroom frequently. *

The OP shouldn’t give a flying fuck re how he’s feeling
And focus entirely on exposing her children to his

Hi OP. I just wanted to give my perspective as someone who has a very similar ED. I would never dream of taking food from anyone else, no matter how close they are, to binge or satisfy my ED with. Even in my worst states where I can't control it I ALWAYS buy my own food. And even if he can't control it and that's the reason for eating you out of house and home, is he getting help for it? If he's not taking concerted steps to get better then I would seriously reconsider the relationship. You have clearly told him this behaviour is damaging you and your relationship with him and that should be enough to seek help and at the very least replace what he takes from you.

Send him back a messages saying...."that's so generous of you to offer halves on everything, I don't feel right about that but as you are insisting...half of the gas/elec bill is (insert half here), half of last weeks food bill that you were staying here for is (insert half here) etc etc, thank you so much, I really appreciate it as having an extra mouth here and running the air con has been so expensive!!!"

Then honestly from the sound of it if it was me I would also be throwing this one back out and looking for a different fish in the sea. I wouldn't want the issues around my children.

Another woman literally paying out money she doesn't have spare to service a man. You're paying money that should be going on your pension, your kids, your own life to have a boyfriend. A dog would be cheaper and give you more. Get rid. There's no saving this. You only 'get on well' when you're doing what he wants.

He's tight and greedy. He knows well what he is doing... wallet upstairs, chucking expensive stuff in the trolley. His responses to you asking for reimbursement makes it clear, he thinks you should be paying for his company! Do you think you might be clinging on to the kudos of this younger guy from a rich family? It will be subliminal, but worth taking into consideration. He is mean and it is highly unattractive.

Also, OP, I've had bulimia. No fucking way would I ever, EVER expect anyone to pay for my food at the expense of their own children (or at all).

Would you?

I thought not.

But he thinks it's his right to refuse, on request, to pay for things he consumes.

Why are you ok with that?

@BeansOnToastWithCheese he can control it when he has to/wants to. He had a gastric band fitted a few years ago thinking this would stop him overeating however now it's worse in a sense as before he just ate huge amounts and became very overweight. Now, he knows if he overeats quickly this food sits in the upper part of his stomach and when he takes a drink, the food comes back out without him needing to physically use his fingers. He used to do this with me present but he's recently started to hide it, which is why it's when I'm asleep or in work I'll go into my kitchen after and find my bin with empty containers of MY food. Some main meals he eats he can't digest easily so it will sometimes come back up but if he eats slowly it will a lot of the time 'go down'. So when he's with friends/extended family he will choose appropriate foods which are likely to go down, will eat slowly and maybe go to the toilet once, if it all, because he's made the right choice of food. So he can control the 'bringing it up' side of things, he just chooses not to.

I wonder how keen he would be to over eat and vomit it back up if he were actually paying for the food that he is wasting Equally how essential the air con would be were he funding it However that’s speculation, the reality is you are prioritising your relationship above the needs of the children and that is not good enough I’m probably being tough because You can’t accept it but you might feel differently if children’s services are knocking on your door if the children disclose that Mummy’s boyfriend eats all the food and keeps them awake being sick all the time!
Children even little ones know exactly what is happening in their homes I’m afraid

"He is trying to get help for his ED but sometimes I wonder if he actually believes he has one or if it's just nagging from me that makes him see about it. Either way, covid has sort of put a spanner in the works help wise"

Support might look different but it is absolutely still available at the moment.
In what way has he tried to get help?

Just reply, ‘no it’s not halves it’s unnecessary extras.’

He’s a part time cock lodger.

Just end it, he's selfish and rude why would you want to continue this relationship?

If he just didn't understand the costs he would have been much more agreeable when you raised issues previously.

So he's stingy, lazy and sulky. And has a really unhealthy relationship with food which is already impacting on your children.

What are his good points OP? Because I am really struggling to see what you are getting out of this. And tbh, even if he had a gold plated cock, exposing your children to extreme bulimia is a really bad idea.

We get on really well. We share a lot of the same interests. He is very good in bed I must admit although this isn't something I factor in for staying in the relationship. I struggle with making friends, I have pretty much all the traits of aspergers and I find it very difficult to meet people I can get close with so when I do meet someone that I get on well with I guess I don't want to lose them. Sounds a bit pathetic I know but it's the truth

I know about 100 of us asked (in very rapid succession) why you were with him, and this is a heartbreaking answer. Making friends, much less finding someone who will be both a mate and a DP, can be so hard as an adult, and it can be so much harder with Aspergers. It’s not pathetic at all; loneliness is an absolute bitch, as even though you love your DC, they’re not the same as having friends who are other adults. And in trying to avoid that loneliness, we let healthy boundaries go. I know almost everyone has said bin him (me included), he’ll never change, look as his texts to you today, and in the main, I agree. BUT. If you do think there’s enough good in him that you want to at least try to see if he wants a healthy relationship, then I guess you sit down and have one last come-to-Jesus and you tell him:

• you pay for all your own food going forward and anything else you eat in the house
• you pay for a third of the bills when you stay here for more than a week
• you make a concerted effort to get help for your eating disorder now (since he has plenty of disposable income and he’s techie, he could be having online counseling starting today through BetterHelp; there’s no excuse)

If he balks, if he throws a toddler tantrum, if he calls you gold digger (you’re not!!!! He’s been spending YOUR money!), and I’m afraid this is likely, then you’ll know this wasn’t salvageable, because all you’ve asked for is the respect that any friend, much less a romantic partner, should give you.

If he has ED at age 26 he's got very serious cardiovascular issues. Is he a smoker?

So he's --useless- got problems in bed and he steals from you and your kids. Show him the door.

Eating disorders suck but he could use some of his considerable spending money to pay for private therapy. It would be a good investment for him.

Reading this thread I keep thinking you were talking about your sponging man-child adult son. The way he treats you is so unappealing, you deserve so much better OP.

"We're going to go halfs now?"

Reply

"God yes please. I am so glad you suggested that. The amount you eat is breaking me financially. Not to mention the gas, electric. I was about to dump you lol"

Gawd get rid of this cocklodging, food hoovering, idiot! You deserve better!

If he says "half's then?" I'd tell him "if you like" and then present him with what 50% of your bills would actually be. That will make it very clear that you're only asking him to pay for himself.

Asperger's or no (my son has this, if you believe you have it, it's worth pushing for a diagnosis, sometimes it isn't Asperger's but something else), your kids should not be around this man who eats all their food and they can hear him vomiting it up. That's extremely unhealthy for them and they need to be put here first before your own needs. Private help is 100% still available for psychiatric issues and he has the means to pay for it.

I would kick him to the kerb though OP, he doesn't sound like a nice responsible grown up.

[quote chrismoyles]@BeansOnToastWithCheese he can control it when he has to/wants to. He had a gastric band fitted a few years ago thinking this would stop him overeating however now it's worse in a sense as before he just ate huge amounts and became very overweight. Now, he knows if he overeats quickly this food sits in the upper part of his stomach and when he takes a drink, the food comes back out without him needing to physically use his fingers. He used to do this with me present but he's recently started to hide it, which is why it's when I'm asleep or in work I'll go into my kitchen after and find my bin with empty containers of MY food. Some main meals he eats he can't digest easily so it will sometimes come back up but if he eats slowly it will a lot of the time 'go down'. So when he's with friends/extended family he will choose appropriate foods which are likely to go down, will eat slowly and maybe go to the toilet once, if it all, because he's made the right choice of food. So he can control the 'bringing it up' side of things, he just chooses not to.[/quote]
That's so disrespectful though - eats all your food, knowing that he's going to throw it up again - how very fucking rude! I do wonder if it's a control thing in his mind too (possibly even an unconscious one) that says he can do what he likes and you won't stop him.

I'm very cross on your behalf. I agree that he should definitely be buying his own food if this is what's going to happen - but I still prefer the "feck him off" option.

This isn't going anywhere - and it would be a Really Bad Idea for him to ever actually live with you.

I do feel like I'm his mother a lot of the time, I'm always picking up after him and when I ask him to do it he gets a bit funny

I would end it now, OP. In the long run, you will lose all respect for him. Aside from the ED issues, his attitude towards money is dreadful and it will affect your relationship. Can you imagine living with him permanently, paying half for everything when he is on double your wage and has more disposable income?