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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'd be better off having DC3 sooner rather than later?

16 replies

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 09:44

I've posted in the Larger Families thread but think there will be more traffic here.

I have two DDs, age 4 and 1. We know we want another child.

Am I completely out of order to think that it would just be "easier" to plan DC3 for next year, to avoid being thrown back into the nappy days a few years from now, just as our other two are becoming more independent? Is it a myth that having them closer together can make things easier?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 11:37

Bump

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BrieAndChilli · 24/09/2020 11:47

I have 3. When DS2 was born, DS1 was 3 years and 11 months and DD was 2 years and 4 months.

I definitely think it’s better to have them closer together because then they are always spanning a roughly similar age range. So when they were aged 1-5 we could go to soft play and all of them have a good play. If there was 5 years between each one meaning an age range of 1-11 then we wouldn’t have been able to find as many things to amuse them all at the same time if you see what I mean?
They are now 9,12 and 13 and still can find things that they all want to do.
I know people that have teenagers and small children and it’s a nightmare pleasing everyone.

Plus it narrowed the time I was at home with them so could afford to stay home until DS2 went to school when I then got a job in the day. I know others though who have had to wait until a child goes to school before they have another one as can’t afford 2 children in nursery.

Original poster

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 14:14

Thank you @BrieAndChilli, that's really insightful and helps me understand what life would be like in a few years' time for us as well, should we have a third. I am currently in a position where I was made redundant from work at the end of my maternity leave this summer, but if I was to have another baby next year (without going back to work between now and then), I would still be entitled to be paid maternity benefit due to tax contributions made this year and last year. This is a hugely beneficial scenario to be in (I am not in the UK), and we would not be able to avail of this if I stayed home and waited longer to have another child.

I would like to try to have DC3 at the end of next year, DD1 will start school next September and DD2 might take up a couple of days of nursery a week then as she'll be just turned 2, allowing her to socialise a bit and me to spend time with the baby. My DH now works exclusively from home too, so he will be around as well. It all looks logical on paper, but the thought of it does overwhelm me at times!

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Yummymummy2020 · 24/09/2020 14:41

What I would say to you too that I guess people don’t always consider, and I’m not trying to be negative, is that you might be a while trying to get pregnant! So I think if you can afford it and would like another maybe don’t put it off in case it takes a while and you might just have to have the age gap anyway? I say this as someone whom assumed it would just happen after my first was a handy hot pregnant fast enough baby but it hasn’t happened yet this time around for us (I also wanted to not have a big gap) of course it could be that you fall pregnant straight away but I now wish I started trying sooner to allow for a delay that I hadn’t accounted for in my planning ha ha.

BlackRibboner · 24/09/2020 15:14

I have three close together - currently 4, 3 and 1 - and it's really hard. Two lots of nappies plus unreliable pre-schooler, I spent a lot of time dealing with bodily fluids! The sleep deprivation was hell when dealing with energetic toddlers in the day and there's quite a bit of jealousy, particularly now the youngest is walking and can elbow their siblings off my lap!

But they do all have similar interests,don't get bored or frustrated playing together and I'm hopeful they'll be close as they get older. Three lots of childcare has been tough, but funding and now school has helped lessen the blow.

Overall I'm glad we did things this way and I wouldn't have wanted to leave it any longer for the third, as I think it would have been less of a trio and more 2vs1. But it's been a rough ride at times.

Original poster

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 15:20

@Yummymummy2020 yes I had been thinking a little about that, too. We have fallen pregnant very quickly both times so far, and I am in my early thirties which (hopefully) will further reduce the chances of complications, but of course there are absolutely no guarantees!
I suppose I just have reservations around how much it would change the current family dynamic and having a gap of 2 years (or even less!) seems very daunting. I don't know why, I mean there's only 2 years 8 months between my DDs!

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Original poster

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 15:26

@BlackRibboner that sounds like you are kept very busy, good on you, I'm sure it's exhausting at times. I feel very confident that, the moment a third baby would be born, I'd feel very much "done". At the moment I just know I'm really not done, and that's all I can think about!

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BlackRibboner · 24/09/2020 16:05

I too was confident I'd feel done after three . . . I so don't feel done But head is ruling heart now and we won't be going for a fourth!
Ultimately there are pros and cons to any gap and you'll never know how it will impact until they're here. I just didn't want to wait any longer, big dollop of impatience really If you're in a good space work wise and your husband's on board, I'd go for it.

IndieRo · 24/09/2020 16:14

I would say having them closer is better. Mine are 8,10 and 12. They like the same things. They go out on their bikes, can go the local shops together, walk home from school and like the same movies. On the other hand my sil had a baby in May after an 11 year gap. She said herself that oldest is not in the least bit interested in her new brother and if anything she sees him as more of an annoyance than anything else. My sil is also finding it very hard to adjust after having a lot of time to herself while her oldest was in school.

Original poster

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 20:48

@BlackRibboner oh god I don't think I could do 4!! I know I said to myself when DD2 was born that really we could've had a smaller age gap and it actually wouldn't have made much of a difference. But then when you're talking about adding a third, to me it almost seems like the timing is even more of a sensitive matter because, well, sanity!!

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LeSquigh · 24/09/2020 20:51

I only have two but if I could have done one thing differently I would have had them closer together. The age gap means they have nothing in common and I had just got used to one being at school full time and then it started again.

Original poster

Broodylou16 · 24/09/2020 20:51

@IndieRo an 11 year gap is quite something! Not sure i would be able to go back to square one after having been so far away from the baby days for so long. But it's each to their own, of course!

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Waveysnail · 24/09/2020 21:02

Iv 2 years between each of my 3. If I were to have my time over I would have had a bigger gap for number 3 so i could get to enjoy eldest starting school and DC 2 toddler years more.

MamaPip · 24/09/2020 21:45

I have a three year old and an 8 month old currently . There is a 2.5 year gap between them .

Hoping to start trying again next year . Would like to have a smaller gap this time even though I know it will be chaotic but I want to have my pregnancy days over before our eldest starts school .

I also Don’t want to get my sleep back and lose it again . Get rid of all the big baby items and then need them again . Our spend years doing the school run with different times .

I have a brother 11 months older and we are super close . I also have 2 more siblings many years younger who I love more than anything but it’s a different relationship. If I left a bigger gap I would probably end up having two more so they had someone close in age.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 24/09/2020 22:07

I have two yrs between dc1 and 2 and then 2. 5 yrs to dc3. Having a few extra months was a big help. Dc2 was sleeping better, more independent and more used to playing without me etc. I found 2 children OK but it was a hard transition to three, mostly due to being out numbered when they all needed something at once. I think those extra few months gap helped hugely.

CosmicMonkey · 24/09/2020 22:16

I have a 5 year gap between my 2 and we are planning on number 3 next year which will be another 5 year age gap.

Sometimes it’s hard to find things to occupy both but there have been plenty of positives too. When DD was born DS was at school so she got plenty of one on one time during the day and then I could focus on DS when he got home. DS has also been able to enjoy things that would be considered “babyish” by his friends on the pretence he’s doing it for his sister. Also things like the excitement of Xmas last longer as the older one plays along for the youngest.

I think like anything there are pros and cons to all age gaps but I wouldn’t worry too much if you end up with a bigger gap then you pictured

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