Should I hand over childcare to DH and let him make his own routines for baby from scratch

[Unreliableplank]

My DH is being put out of work and will not be working from next week onwards. Prior to this, his work has been extremely busy, he has insomnia and seems somewhat depressed and isolated. I feel like our relationship is a bit strained owing to us sleeping in different rooms - I co-sleep with baby. He sleeps in another rooms because of space constraints and we worried initially he would crush baby since he sleeps heavily and sprawls.

Although I also work full-time and have been working from home, I have taken care of my 14 month old maybe for 80-90% of the day (as I am also still fully breastfeeding baby). As to the extent of his usual involvement, he usually changes one or two diapers, plays with baby in the evening for half an hour or so, and might take baby out when he goes out to buy his lunch or dinner, but all meals, bath, and bedtime have been entirely handled by myself. I also decide on the locations of all the outings, dinners, play dates, everything.

He doesn’t work on weekends, but his habit is that since he worked such long hours during the week and suffers from insomnia, he usually sleeps in until about 12 or 1pm on the Saturday and sunday. By that point I’d have been up since 7am.

I currently get a reprieve from this once or twice a week when I go over to my parents’ house and they take care of baby so I can speedily rush through a week of paperwork in a day. I have a very understanding workplace.

I started a course sponsored by my workplace which is on Saturdays, and quite intensive, and on the first week of my course, he didn’t wake up until 1pm (my course started at 10am) and then upon waking needed to go out to get coffee and food, by which time he could help a bit at 2pm, but because he decided to feed baby NEXT TO ME whilst I was doing my online synchronous class, and then when baby got fussy, he handed baby back to me in a way that disrupted me in my course. I decided to hike it to my parents ever since on saturdays for baby care, they understand that when I need them to help with baby care, that I don’t want to be abandoned half way. They anticipate my needs and help me where I need it.

With regards to the upcoming Saturday - he won’t be working anymore. I told him that I would still go to my parents with baby, and said we should ease into things, and that I would like to teach him how i currently run the household first, and let him take time to get used to taking over.

He huffily told me that these (learning how i run the household currently) were nonessential to him being able to take care of baby. I told him that when he says that, it makes me feel like he is saying that all my childcare and domestic work at home is nonessential, and that there is no reason to reinvent the wheel or throw out baby’s entire schedule. He got argumentative, said he meant no such thing and that I was wilfully misreading him, and that there was no need for him to follow any thing that I am currently doing and that he might prefer to do his own thing entirely.

Please tell me if I am IBU when I said that I prefer to teach him how I run the household and take care of baby before I leave it all to him.

Should I let him take care of baby without any instructions on the current routine that baby has? Am I supposed to just leave him in the deep end suddenly after 14 months of him being minimally involved? He doesn’t even know where I fold away laundry, how I make her pasta, how to put away her bath things. I want to attend my course fully, not feel like he has created more work for me by the end of the day - every time he currently helps, the house will be a tip, and baby’s care and routine may be compromised, on countless occasions I have had to work more or clean up more things after he helped.

Did i disempower him by not giving him enough chances to learn how to help me properly by having been so thorough in taking care of everything in the household?
Did I fail to train him up to help me?
Am i supposed to pretend some ‘learned helplessness’ so that he can build his confidence again?

I also just feel like he is not so kind or fair to me. Even a nice word or an acknowledgement of the work I put in with baby would be nice. Doing anything, cooking a meal for us as a family, it is always thankless, silence, walking in eggshells because of his depressed mood, and half the time if I ask him for a favour I worry that he will reject me or argue with me about it just for the sake of arguing (or even better still, his phone will have been off for half the day and he will be uncontactable in our own house). Usually he has noise cancelling headphones on.

Ultimately, I am also worried he will let me down by not stepping up to help with baby. It feels like a solo endeavour so far.

Not sure how to broach that maybe he should see someone about his depression too. He’s understandably pretty bummed out about many things beyond his control at the moment, job precarity, feeling socially isolated, mains hum, insomnia, etc... the list goes on.

Sorry for the lengthy rant.

TL;DR.

I have 5 DC and it has taken me until the most recent two to put away my pride and just allow myself to walk out the door without micromanaging DH.

As long as your DH engages with HIS OWN DD and keeps her fed and clean then that's a success.

Where you fold laundry? How you make pasta? Please don't be a control freak. It's his house too!

Um. Not sure where to start really. He sounds completely useless. I'm not sure how on earth he's suddenly going to become father of year and be a good SAHD after his track record so far

Probably not the response you were hoping for, but what do you actually get out of this relationship? It sounds as if you've been managing pretty much like a single mum except with a useless adult to look after. He was contributing financially but won't even be doing that any more. I expect he's not going to pull his weight properly with childcare or housework and he'll be in full blown cocklodger territory.

What do your parents think of him? They are kind to help with childcare and can't be impressed that he won't parent his own child.

Just read the full thing there. He does sound a bit of a misery. But I think that might be a separate issue - job worries etc.

Tackle the DD/DH thing first as that is the most pressing time wise so you can do your course.

do you think your child will be safe with him? if so, let him look after baby on Satrurday.

How about you go to your parents to do the course, and he stays at home with the baby?

I assume he's going to take over all the childcare and housework while you work now? If so, and there is room at your parents, why not go there to work while he stays at home with the baby.

So long as the baby is safe, let go of the other stuff. Don't comment on the routine or the housework and let him find his own way. You found your own way 14 months ago and I'm sure you didn't get everything right straight away.

It took me quite a while to relinquish control of DD to DH. When I went back to work after maternity leave I tried to dictate everything and it just doesn't work. We agreed on set nap and meal times and everything else is up to him. If he leaves the house in a mess then that's a separate discussion.

It's also easier if you're not in the house too as they just get on with it. Could you go to your parents to do your course and leave him at home with the baby?

I would write down baby's routine, and anything you think he would find useful, in an easy to read way, but then 100% leave him to it. He can refer to the routine if he wants, but ultimately he needs to take charge. You both may find that a routine that works well for all 3 of you is a bit of your routine and some of his.
Once he has found his feet, improved his sleep and got a bit more used to looking after baby on his own, you can go to a coffee shop or your parents on your own to do your course uninterrupted on a Saturday and he can have one on one time looking after baby.
I don't think he can possibly understand your point of view looking after baby alone until he has done it himself, and him taking baby out of their usual routine for a while will not be the end of the world. Given his work situation I would give him a bit of time and if his mood etc aren't improving, then discuss possible depression.
I hope you both can work through this.

Your problem isn’t the routine.

Your problem is that you are married to a selfish, moody, unsupportive, useless miserable twat who has no respect for you and won’t tolerate being challenged on his shitty behaviour.

Is this the relationship dynamic you want your child growing up normalising?

@OlympicProcrastinator

Your problem isn’t the routine.

Your problem is that you are married to a selfish, moody, unsupportive, useless miserable twat who has no respect for you and won’t tolerate being challenged on his shitty behaviour.

Is this the relationship dynamic you want your child growing up normalising?

Blunt but true.

You have to let him figure it out. Write down a schedule of big things like typical meal and nap times and then let him get to it. Make it very clear that he is in charge of baby during your class (aka he must be up and ready to parent) and then go to a separate room and close the door. Yes, he will struggle at the start. Yes, some dishes may get left until later. He will figure it out eventually.

Go out on saturday. All day. Leave baby with him.

I can see fault on both sides here. More on his than yours, admittedly.

He sounds like he's been useless up to press and like you have pretty much been living as a single mum when it comes to looking after the baby. You don't sound like you like him very much, which is unsurprising given you say he is unkind to you. You wouldn't be unreasonable to want to leave him from what you've described, tbh.

However, you do sound like a bit of a control freak regarding how you "run" the house and manage things in very specific ways. He is the baby's dad, it should be enough to say you'll be out, and he be able to completely sort the day looking after his child. He can surely make pasta just fine? The fact that he leaves the house in a mess that you then have to clean up isn't on, but that really should be all the instruction you need to leave. "Have fun today you two, please can you not leave the house in a state this time".

My DP is the 'default cook' in our house, just like you are the 'default parent'. I will occasionally cook us a meal, but I feel so much pressure because I know he'd do it much better than me!

I just think "what's the point trying when he loves cooking and he's a great cook?", I even feel like he's judging me when he walks into the kitchen and sees the mess I've made, which of course he isn't.

Your DH sees you being an amazing parent and feels like he can't compete, it must be really daunting for him. You need to let him figure it out without the pressure of your presence so he doesn't have to worry that you are judging him or about to take over, then once he's got the hang of it you can introduce housework responsibilities etc.

He doesn't want to hear how you fold her laundry or how the house runs because 1. He doesn't care and 2. He doesn't need to because he's not going to do it, he's going to leave it for you. What you'll get at the end of a session of him in charge is a live baby. Probably unhappy and in a full nappy with an empty stomach, and in a bomb site house, witn no sign of dinner. If you say anything, you'll be nagging.

How has it gone on so long without you kicking him out? What does he bring to the table?

Honestly I don't know what you get from being together, you're basically a single parent. Let him crack on, clearly he thinks the whole household chores and parenting thing is easy, he'll have to learn the hard way. Hopefully it might open his eyes.

Now he needs to learn - go to your parents house without the baby and leave him to it. DO your course there and (ideally) go there so you're not working from home and he gets to be a full time unsupported SAHP.

My dh has just taken over 2 days per week. He has appriciated a rough schedule of meals, naps and nappies but other than that the rest is up to him. Maybe leave a couple of ready meals for baby just in case. I only ask him to do one house task a day such as put washing out while he is learning the ropes. As long as dc is happy and fed, nothing else matters. What pp said about you going out will also help him to just get on with it. Good luck, im sure you all will be fine.x

He sounds horrid and uninvolved so no way should you strengthen this man's position as SAHP simply because he has lost his job. The absence of work doesn't make you a SAHP and if he cared about baby he would want to know the routine and what works for them. He needs to go and find a job because you'll just end up supporting him financially, picking up the domestic slack when he leaves the place in a mess, worrying about baby and then unable to leave unless you want him as resident parent. You are on dodgy ground if you do this and leaving yourself very vulnerable

He doesn’t even know where I fold away laundry, how I make her pasta, how to put away her bath things

How to put away her bath things?

If he’s not capable of putting some boys away and the lid back on the bubble bath then he’s not safe to mind a child.

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a bit of a lazy arse, but if those three things on your list are indicative of how you treat him then it might be that he’s just given up on trying to help in the past.

I know I was briefly guilty of being too OTT when DH was minding the kids for a week when I was a SAHM and going into hospital. Thankfully one of my friends saw my list and told me to get a grip. Kids need fed, cleaned, put to sleep, stimulated a bit and the house needs to be clean enough to live in. That’s it. The minor details can be different depending on who is looking after them at that time.

He sounds fucking useless, and unsupportive in the bargain.

You do know that if he becomes the primary career and you end up splitting, you’ll be fucked when it comes to residence? You’ll be paying him maintenance. Sod that. Go to your parents’ and stay there.

I can imagine how you got into this situation, as you’re the one with the milk.

But by 14 months it is entirely possible to be down to just morning & evening breastfeeds, and therefore you can basically leave him to figure it all out.

Write a very general schedule- bottle/nap/lunch, that’s about all you need to dictate - and go out.

No, he shouldn’t have to reinvent it all but you’re fighting a losing battle if you micromanage when your ultimate aim is to get him more involved.

He’s unemployed and you’re not. You need to prioritise your job while he becomes primary carer. Leave him to figure it out, deal with issues as they arise.

He huffily told me that these (learning how i run the household currently) were nonessential to him being able to take care of baby.
He is correct.

I told him that when he says that, it makes me feel like he is saying that all my childcare and domestic work at home is nonessential, and that there is no reason to reinvent the wheel or throw out baby’s entire schedule.
I think you are being over-sensitive. He isn't saying that all. I think he could stick to baby's schedule without having to strictly adhere to doing domestic chores when and how you do them.

Please tell me if I am IBU when I said that I prefer to teach him how I run the household and take care of baby before I leave it all to him.
YABU.

Should I let him take care of baby without any instructions on the current routine that baby has?
I would tell explain the baby's current routine and write it down for him. Leave him to it then.

He doesn’t even know where I fold away laundry, how I make her pasta, how to put away her bath things.
You could show him where you put laundry but only tell him how to make pasta if he asks. (She may prefer the way he makes her pasta).
How to put her bath things away? Really?

Did i disempower him by not giving him enough chances to learn how to help me properly by having been so thorough in taking care of everything in the household?
Learn how to help you properly? Have you listened to yourself? A man doesn't "help you" with household chores. He just does his share.

I think you sound quite controlling and it doesn't sound as if you consider him an equal partner in your relationship. If you carry on like this, your relationship is doomed.

Did i disempower him by not giving him enough chances to learn how to help me properly by having been so thorough in taking care of everything in the household?
Did I fail to train him up to help me?
Am i supposed to pretend some ‘learned helplessness’ so that he can build his confidence again?

It’s not “helping” you, it’s being a responsible adult. You both have a child to raise and a home to run, on Saturdays I’d have been handing baby to him in time for your course starting and not leaving him to sleep - leaving the house if need be. If you’re there and are prepared to do it he’s clearly going to let you.

In saying that, if you want him to do it you’ll need to give him space to do it his way, a change in routine won’t hurt your baby (assuming he wouldn’t not feed or care for her. It may not be the way you would do it, and it may not be to your usual standard but you can’t expect him to care for his child exactly as you would.

I’d put a note somewhere (we have a whiteboard in the kitchen with a note of what’s happening when across the week) and let him get on with it. I wouldn’t be criticising his way of doing things but would be clear that if, for example, the house is a mess that he plays his part in cleaning up once baby is in bed.

In terms of his depressed mood, is he seeking help with that? Many parents care for their children while dealing with poor mental health, he’ll need to find a way to cover the basics. Is there a reason you’re co-sleeping with your little one? It may be worth getting her into a good sleep routine and you moving back into your joint room - it sounds like you’re both living in the same house but in your own worlds, which can happen with small children but if you want to stay in the relationship (which is a whole other question) you need to start working as a team and living together as a couple.

From the sounds of it he’s disengaged and you’re resentful - not a good place for any relationship.

If you're sure baby will be safe with him, the best thing you can do is walk out of the house and leave him to it.

Easy, he is responsible for looking after the baby but also for tidying up all the mess afterwards. And for bedtime if his new routine made the baby overtired or messed up the sleep pattern.