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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a backstabbing interfering busy body?

48 replies

ItchySkinPeach · 23/09/2020 11:36

I feel guilty.

Both me and my friend have the same breed of dog. Both have issues. Mine is highly dog reactive and sometimes people reactive. Hers is similar but not as bad as mine in this respect but he does have a bite history (mine doesn’t). We used the same trainer in the past and she never told him of the bite history, as a result the trainer ended up receiving a nasty bite. He was annoyed that she hadn’t mentioned it to him and I was confused as to why she didn’t also.

Anyway a few weeks back I took my dog to a different trainer, a lovely woman with 40+ years experience in the breed. She was brilliant and spent the whole day with us and only charged me £20. I mean, that’s by the by but I’m just trying to put across how lovely and genuine this woman is.

My friend saw what great results we got so has now booked in to spend the day with her too. It was playing on my mind that what if she hadn’t mentioned the bite history and the fact that the previous trainer ended up being injured ... but I thought “no, of course she’d mention it this time ... “ but I couldn’t shake the worry so casually mentioned it to trainer to make her aware. Trainer had NO IDEA that dog had a bite history and is now a bit upset that my friend didn’t tell her. She’s now reluctant to see him.

I feel like I’ve stabbed my friend in the back but why on earth didn’t she mention it AGAIN?? The trainer is a smallish woman, the dog probably weighs more than she does. If he was to turn on her she’d have no chance.

I’ve done the right thing having I? Feeling like a shit friend but if trainer had been injured I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself for not mentioning what I knew ...

OP posts:
froggy1811 · 23/09/2020 12:44

This was an awkward situation, but you did the right thing for sure.

I know you feel bad, but actually it is your friend's irresponsible behaviour that is actually bad! Did she feel guilty at all when previous trainer was bitten?

I'll bet she hasn't said anything because she's so desperate to get some help for her unruly dog - but as a someone has already pointed out, how on earth can she train the dog without the relevant information? Not only is she in danger, but she's also at a huge disadvantage with huge details such as this absent...

Give conscience a break. You are justified in your actions 100%.

MatildaTheCat · 23/09/2020 12:44

@FooFighter99

of course you did the right thing! sounds like your "friend" isn't a very responsible dog owner, and if she can't control her dog and lies about his bite history, then she has no business owning him at all - it's an accident waiting to happen
It’s not really an accident waiting to happen. Accidents are unforeseen incidents generally. This dog is a biter so is quite likely to bite again.

OP, if your friend challenges you I would say that yes, you were chatting to the trainer about your own dog when the subject of Bitey Dog came up and you mentioned it thinking she would obviously already be aware of this. Your friend will look pretty bad if she then says she was keeping it quiet.

PalTheGent · 23/09/2020 12:49

For many trainers, biting is the point at which behaviour is too serious for them to handle and they refer onto a behaviourist instead. I think most sensible and experienced trainers are on the look out for potential bites regardless of what they are told. But also most would ask specifically and be pissed when lied to.

My guess as to why your friend lied:

  • ashamed of biting, perhaps as a result of seeing it as something different/worse than barking and lunging
  • already knows a trainer may reject them and send them to a (more expensive) behaviourist

Either way, still ok for you to mention it, imo

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 23/09/2020 12:50

You did the right thing. Your friend should be ashamed of herself for not informing the trainer of the dogs bite history a d to be quite honest, I don't know if I'd want to be friends with someone who could knowingly put another human being at risk of being attacked by a dog and not inform them of the risk. Unbelievable.

SurreyHillsGirl · 23/09/2020 12:50

Sometimes 'interfering' is the moral and ethical thing to do.

2bazookas · 23/09/2020 12:50

people like your friend are not fit to keep a dog.

ClementineWoolysocks · 23/09/2020 12:54

You did the right thing, anyone coming into close contact with her dog has the right to know that it bites.

What breed of dog are we talking here if it weighs more than a fully grown adult?

Bergerdog · 23/09/2020 12:54

I hate people who do this.

Often while I’m consulting a client will fail to mention their pet bites, and after I’ve nearly been savaged then say ‘oh yes he did bite last time’ or similar.

Just why wouldn’t you mention it Confused

justaperson · 23/09/2020 12:57

Definitely not unreasonable.

BIL had a dog, it bit my husband's face for no reason, he was sitting on the sofa doing nothing, luckily he was strong enough to push the dog off. It was then revealed it had bitten other people and was "on its last warning". When I was incredulous that it had been roaming about the house where my 4yr old was playing I was made out to be unreasonable as "it would never bite a kid"...

Some people are just not fit to have animals, sounds like she's one of them.

jeremypaxo · 23/09/2020 13:06

I would probably have asked my friend directly if she'd made the trainer aware this time, rather than going behind her back, but yes ultimately it is of course right that the trainer knows the dog's bite history.

RomanyBlood · 23/09/2020 13:13

There is no point in the trainer spending time with your friend and her dog is she doesn't actually know what the dog's issues and behaviour are. And your friend is seriously out of order not to be letting anyone know who deals with the dog.

You WNBU, but how will you deal with the fall out? Tell your friend it just slipped out naturally in conversation?

Dogsarebetterthanpeople · 23/09/2020 13:15

@ItchySkinPeach
I may well be thinking of a different thread, but, are the dogs Doberman’s OP?
If so, I think I remember one of the dogs improving greatly under a ‘balanced’ trainer.
Are these the same dogs OP?

Mellonsprite · 23/09/2020 13:29

The dog with a history of biting (so multiple bites?) sounds dangerous tbh and you’ve done the trainer a massive favour by informing her. Totally out of order from your friend to lie about this.

Antonin · 23/09/2020 13:32

OP you had a moral duty to tell the trainer so no need for regret. Your friend also had a duty to tell the trainer and failure to do so could make her liable for a civil injuries action. In addition she would be liable for the penalties involved in keeping such a dog.

Eckhart · 23/09/2020 13:35

It makes sense to me that if she's non-confrontational, she wouldn't mention the bite history unless pushed. I suppose she hopes he won't bite anyone again, so it doesn't need to be raised, thereby avoiding any difficult conversations.

She's got a dangerous dog and she's not behaving responsibly with it. You've done the bare minimum, to be honest. It needs reporting. What if it decides to have a go at a child?

vanillandhoney · 23/09/2020 13:36

[quote Dogsarebetterthanpeople]@ItchySkinPeach
I may well be thinking of a different thread, but, are the dogs Doberman’s OP?
If so, I think I remember one of the dogs improving greatly under a ‘balanced’ trainer.
Are these the same dogs OP?[/quote]
Yes, I was thinking the same. I knew it rang a bell!

Are you the Doberman owner, OP?

Imloosingmyshit · 23/09/2020 13:55

You just saved your friend a lawsuit.

UniversalAunt · 23/09/2020 14:37

It’s reasonable to assume that the new trainer double checked your comment with the trainer who was bitten.

Information about ‘difficult’ customers gets round professional groups.

It is the new trainer who made the decision.

1forAll74 · 23/09/2020 14:43

Yes, you did the right thing,out of concern for all involved. The trainer with the vast experience ,will soon see evidence of a nasty tendency in any dog, but to be prewarned is an advantage to her. She can then decide whether to take on the dog in question, and also assess the owner !

NoGinNotComingIn · 23/09/2020 14:44

I’m surprised people keep dogs that bite, my aunty had a dog for years and then one day it just went for her arm unprovoked. She had it put down as she knew that could have been a child’s face.

I don’t understand why someone would keep a dog that is known for biting, as someone with 2 young children it frightens me that it’s a thing keeping them. I assumed like my aunty people were responsible, once it bites it’s no longer safe and has to go before it attacks a child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/09/2020 14:55

Your friend is a dick for not having told the woman herself.
It shouldn't have had to come from you, but you did the right thing to warn the trainer - just think how you'd have felt if your friend's dog had seriously hurt the trainer, and you hadn't said anything.

Your friend is irresponsible.

HyacynthBucket · 23/09/2020 15:33

You were quite right to do what you did. Your friend is yet another dog owner who cannot or will not face reality about their beloved pet. This summer I saw a woman's small dog run into a herd of cows and worry them. When the owner came sauntering over the hilltop looking for him, I told her what had happened and she refused point blank to believe it. Even though she could see clearly distressed cattle and calves, and her dog emerging from out of them. A farmer told me about a sheep on his field that had just been worried to death and mauled by a large dog. He confronted the owner right in front of the sheep carcass but the owner denied it. What is it about such subjectivity when it comes to dogs? And owners deceiving themselves.

GabsAlot · 25/09/2020 11:09

Your friend is out of order not telling a trainer yet again that her dog bites-does she know yet that youve told the trainer

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