My lonely granny

[tryingmybest29]

Hi all, my granny is nearly 80. Sadly she was widowed when my grandad earlier this year after nearly 60 years of marriage. Before lockdown we spent a lot of time together. I was dropping my children off to school and going in to see her. She lives 15 miles away.

During lockdown we didn't see her much for obvious reasons. Then we started seeing her in the garden with social distancing. In the summer holidays I was taking children over to see her and we were being very cautious with where we went and who we mixed with to keep her safe.

Now it's September. The kids have gone back to school. There are so many colds and coughs going around. DS had to be tested for covid recently as he had a cough - negative thankfully.

We haven't managed to see her since the very start of September and I feel so guilty.

I spoke to her on the phone earlier and she said that I was welcome to pop in at anytime.

Thing is I worry so much about the virus and what if I was carrying it with no symptoms??

What the hell am I meant to do? Not see her for the whole winter?? When she's desperate for company.

Just to add. We live in an area with very low numbers of cases...

Thankfully she does have my mother and the rest of my family nearby so she does have plenty of support.

But what am I meant to do? Not see her and miss her dearly when she wants to see me and DC or go and see her and risk giving her covid.

It's not like we can sit outside during the winter 😭😭

If you are worried then keep your 1 or 2 metre distance, clean your hands and wear a face mask. My nan died of liver cancer 10 yrs ago and I know for a fact that if she was alive now no amount of Boris's speeches would stop me from sensibly spending time with her.

Would she like telephone befriending? Lots of info on the Age UK site.

You shouldn't be feeling guilty 💐

I think to ease your worries, visit her and stay outside, keep your distance, whilst the weather is nice enough to. And lots of phonecalls.

She's lucky to have you, and you her. I miss my grans so much!

I think if your nan has other people visiting her that are lower risk of spreading they should do the bulk of social support for her. Though you could do different things like visiting the garden, video calls etc over the winter.

If you were the only/main person visiting her then I’d say discuss with her what risk you are all willing to take. It may be that she would prefer to have some visitors (doing what they can to stay safe eg hand washing etc) and take the risk rather than spend the winter alone.

Of course corona virus is dangerous for that age group but each family needs to weigh up the risk and benefits for their family.

For older people if Covid doesn't get them loneliness and isolation will. I've seen how much our parents/grandparents have deteriorated without regular contact over lockdown and it's fr

*frightening.

Go and see her.

Invest in some ppe and get yourself round there!

My granny said she would rather die of corona than loneliness-I don’t blame her. I will keep visiting her, keep distance, sanitise hands and not if I have an active cold or if I have symptoms, which of course I would get tested for. Who wants to leave out the last years of their life alone?

Thank you. We seen her a lot in the school holidays before the cases started jumping up again.. me and dc were barely going anywhere other than quiet places with social distancing to minimise the risk. I just feel it's a gonna be a long winter with back to school and germs too 😭😭

Video calls can really help with seeing the kids. If you get an old phone and put on skype/WhatsApp/FaceTime with auto answer then she won’t even have to understand the technology.

Go see her, stay a metre away, wear a mask, wash your hands... or go sit outside her window and chat, or wrap up and see her in the garden.
Just go. Loneliness is far worse than Corona and I know a few older people who've said they'd rather get it and pop off than been on theor own all the time.

At 80 something is going to carry her off sooner rather than later...

Only you can decide what to do in your own circumstances.

My mum is very frail and nearly 80. Nothing would stop me from seeing her. The affects of social isolation and loneliness over lockdown are clear to see in her case and nothing will convince me that it's good to do that to her again.

Why not ask her rather than decide on her behalf? She may choose a life fully lived, with the risk, than isolation. If you ask her and she gives you her blessing then it's her choice and no guilt (easier said than done I do realise!).

The point is though that, unless there is faculty impairment, you shouldn't be making a decision that affects her life without her input. My PIL's have chosen to keep seeing us and take their chances. They're 86 and choose life not existence.

Also I saw this today and it hit me hard

Thanks all. She was really anxious about the virus during lockdown. No one was allowed in but she seems to have relaxed and really wants to see people as normal but she gets so lonely. My grandads death really couldn't have come at a worse time not long before lockdown!

My dad sees my grandma regularly. She’s in her late 80s and needs my dad to get her shopping, deal with her bills etc. She’s insistent that she’ll see my baby when baby is born. Of course I wouldn’t deny her that.

Can I suggest a slightly unorthodox plan? You know that you're being very careful, so any risk is highly unlikely to come from you. So the concern is around your children catching it at school. How about a mini isolation? You all stay home over the weekend, then Monday the children get a stomach upset (other illnesses are available), and you continue to stay home until Tuesday afternoon, at which point you can all go and see grandma. By that point you'll know if anyone from school has symptoms or a positive test, so you're clear (or not) to visit.

Obviously not something to do regularly, but if you go next week and then hopefully you'll be able to do the same again at half term.

TBH if you socially distance and maybe wear a mask, I'd do it. My DGF died during lockdown (non-covid related). We hadn't seen him for weeks and weeks because we were too worried about passing it on. But he was nearly 90 and died naturally anyway. I wish we'd allowed him to make up his own mind about the risk.

When the winter weather starts properly, can you go and see her wearing mask and plastic gloves so you don't touch anything and sitting at least 2 metres away inside?

We're in this for the long haul now so we have to be sensible about the needs of family members living alone for company and human interaction.

I work with the elderly in their own homes.

The amount of grandparents I met on a daily basis with the grandkids staying away. It’s sad and they’re sad too.

As PP have said wear a face mask. For extra protection have a shower at home, put on clean clothes and go straight to their home (incase your Ds school uniform has came into contact with covid).

I think the choice is up to your Gran. If she wants to see you she’s taking the risk herself.

What a sad situation. I can see why you aren’t comfortable visiting, it would be awful if she caught Covid and you thought it might be from you.

If your mum is visiting, maybe she could help your grandma facetime you and the kids. I know you have been phoning her, but facetime/video calls feel so much more like being together to me.