AIBU - to think the SENCO knows what she is doing?

[Preparedtobetoldimwrong]

Firstly, let me start by saying I would never mention any of this to my son or his girlfriend.
Long story short - son has a newish girlfriend (before Covid) who has a son. I have not spent much time with them due to the virus but when I have seen him I have been surprised by his behaviour. He can not take turns, always wants what another child has and screeches loudly if he doesn’t get his own way. He also flaps his hands if he gets upset or excited. He is also very physical with other children.
Over the weekend my son told me that school have been trying to put him forward for an assessment since he was in Nursery (he is now Y2) but his mum says he is fine and will not allow it. Surely as a parent you would want the best for your child and get them any help they needed? The SENCO is very well respected (my grandchildren went to the school) but the mother says she is ‘just sticking her nose in’.
AIBU to think that a professional with experience of hundreds of children would know more than someone with experience of one child, not withstanding mothers intuition?

It is literally nothing to do with you.

Not your business at all, it can take some parents a while to come to terms with things, a diagnosis isnt always helpful either.

Testing is always good even if it means there isn’t anything shown. Despite the MN belief, SENDCOs do know what they’re doing and considering the cost of testing, it won’t be done out of just idle curiosity.

some sencos do, some sencos don't. some parents do, some parents dont. some just don't want to know.

I would always err on the side of assessment, as you are not likely to get a diagnosis for something you don't have. sometimes it is school who suggest it and parents refuse, sometimes it is parents who suggest it and school refuse to engage.

not all sendcos know what they are doing, the person who assessed dd implied there was enough to be worried about in their report, yet they were still saying she was no way autistic. so know, not all know what they are doing, but many do and are helpful.

The problem is people telling the mother “your wrong your wrong” won’t help.

She obviously has her reasons for not thinking assessment is the right route so the senco needs to sit down and discuss her concerns with her and then come up with a plan to allow the child to be as well supported as possible.

The idea that your child may have additional needs isn’t nice, especially at first and if you can’t necessarily see what others are. She needs supporting to accept what may be

enye not everyone has a good experience with a Senco. I'm sure most are very professional and good at their jobs but some are not.

Yes, he probably could do with an assessment. I've come across this- some parents are incredibly deeply in denial. I was told by our SENCO that if a kid receives an autism diagnosis the school then has access to additional support by autism professionals and the family can also receive help like a blue badge and disability living allowance, so it may be worth them looking into. If any money is attached for the family, they could (if they don't need it now) save it up for the lad to help him get by as an adult. Tbh though, I wouldn't say anything now. If they end up married or in a very long term relationship I'd perhaps mention to your son that it may be worth looking into.

Honestly, I think that we should just scrap this old-fashioned idea of 'parent' and just hand our offspring over to the State to bring up. They know best.

Yeah by the sound of it the mum should listen to the SENCO as is letting her son down by not allowing it.

Unfortunately it's not you're decision, and you must respect the mothers opinion. If they directly ask you what you think, that's different, tell them you think they should follow senco's advise. If they don't ask you, stay well out.

@FourPlasticRings

Yes, he probably could do with an assessment. I've come across this- some parents are incredibly deeply in denial. I was told by our SENCO that if a kid receives an autism diagnosis the school then has access to additional support by autism professionals and the family can also receive help like a blue badge and disability living allowance, so it may be worth them looking into. If any money is attached for the family, they could (if they don't need it now) save it up for the lad to help him get by as an adult. Tbh though, I wouldn't say anything now. If they end up married or in a very long term relationship I'd perhaps mention to your son that it may be worth looking into.

And this is a prime example of when a SENCO doesn’t know the system.

Blue badges (which are very hard to get for someone with autism anyway) and DLA are not diagnosis dependant at all.

"but the mother says she is ‘just sticking her nose in"

And you say this with no sense of irony at all. Amazing.

Yes some SENCOs are brilliant and some are shite - I’ve even come across ones who are not qualified teachers ( a legal requirement )

Tbf this has nothing to do with you but I understand your concern.

For the senco to mention it there must be issues at school that they are very concerned about. Only because often sencos are dismissive and avoid any assessments as it costs the school money. He won't be entitled to much support at school without the correct assessments (not necessarily a diagnosis) and paper work.

But this has nothing to do with you and she needs to make her own decisions.

I have a friend who's son has some issues. Her son sounds very similar to my own son (who has autism). Speech delayed as well etc. Her and hubby are so dismissive of it. I wouldn't dare tell them he needs a formal assessment. I'll leave that to them to figure out themselves!

I did say in my first sentence that I would not interfere - I actually wouldn’t even if I was asked directly.
I just feel sorry for the lad - he is getting into trouble and I feel he will struggle to make friends due to his behaviour.

I'm amazed that a Senco thinks a diagnosis would automatically bring access to additional support form autism professionals. If only it did.

I've had plenty of experience of SENCOs and no they don't all know what they're doing. Some are lazy or indifferent and have to prodded with a pitchfork into referring for essential assessments. Some are brilliant and one step ahead all the way. I've known both.

However on this occasion it sounds like a necessary assessment and no it may not be your business but if we all minded our own business then MN would be a very quiet place indeed.

Keep out of it.
The assessments are heartbreaking in many a sense.
DD was assessed from 4 with DCD until 9 when she was reassessed as on the spectrum.
It was clear my DS was a mess I buried my head until he started preschool we're 3 years on this road now apparently it is DMDD which can't be diagnosed until he is 6.
The forms are long and intrusive then passed to the schools etc.
One psychologist wrote it was the mother as she went back on AD's at 6 months pregnant.
Thankfully a top female psychiatrist debunked her claims as she was the one who prescribed them while I was under her care, she assured me when pregnant they wouldn't hurt the baby but would prevent PND I was high risk.
The school will eventually push it.

It's good you're not putting your oar in but I couldn't agree more with you. I mean, not all SENCOs are equal, obviously, but overall, I am a big believer if the school thinks an assessment is necessary why would you NOT do this? Surely any additional support for your child is a better option than none at all? At DS' school, they quietly initiated a little programme for children who struggled with things like PE. It's not a formal thing and they were only able to offer it because of a unique situation that had come up in the school. They went ahead and picked children who they thought would benefit and didn't really mention it to the parents - it was just an extra PE lesson for certain kids, no different to certain kids getting a little extra reading time with teachers or whatever.

Oh my word. The next thing, some parents were literally OUTRAGED. They didn't see why the children needed it and why the school had decided to do this without permission etc. I just couldn't get my head around it. DS loved it - he not only got more time out of the classroom but if they were playing football, for example, he actually had a chance of scoring because all the children who were really good and athletic weren't in the group.

Another woman I know, I'm fairly certain her DS could do with intervention. But she's SOOO resistant to the school's suggestion that she eventually took him out of the school because she says the school can't give him what he needs. From what she's told me, it sounds like the school wanted to help more but required her support and she wasn't interested.

People are weird.

Op clearly stated she wouldn't interfere and was only asking for opinions
Surely as a parent you would want school to be checking and making sure your dc are doing ok and if any additional needs to spot so they can get extra help etc
My eldest dc was exceptionally shy and school put him in little groups for confidence and he had a lady come in for him and some others to work on this etc , i was impressed and happy for school to help and it showed they took an interest in all their pupils

As someone who is actually in the process of getting a dc assessed it's not easy to accept. And I'm the one who noticed the non typical behaviour and initiated the assessment. Be kind and keep out of it.

@ambereeree

As someone who is actually in the process of getting a dc assessed it's not easy to accept. And I'm the one who noticed the non typical behaviour and initiated the assessment. Be kind and keep out of it.

I see this is a lot. And I do understand. But also speaking as someone whose DS has gone through this process, for me, it really helped to have something I could use to define and explain why he finds some things difficult. Admittedly, in his case, it's not too serious or life impacting, but it has helped to manage things and to get understanding from school and other services.

SIL has been resisting similar for D nephew. And now at school he's constantly in trouble and struggling and he's getting a reputation as being "difficult". I do think the school are prepared to step up more in her case (it's early days) but the point is that until there's something in place, there's only so much the school can do.

@enyemaka
Despite the MN belief, SENDCOs do know what they’re doing

I saw this and was going to post ...
"Despite the MN belief, some SENDCOs do know what they’re doing"
..but see quite a few other posters have pointed out similar views.

We have had a couple of amazing SENCOS, and unfortunately some absolutely dreadful ones, who have caused a lot of damage.