To end a friendship of over a decade

[Ready4changes]

One of my oldest friends has always been a bit "out there" in terms of his thoughts and beliefs (conspiracies) but he has never tried to push them onto me before now. Recent times have brought out the worst in him.

He spends his days getting into arguments with people on the internet about the government, masks, vaccines and seems to enjoy doing so. He's always harping on about how the pandemic is a conspiracy to bring about a cashless society and force vaccines on people.

He's also become quite selfish in that he's not bothered how other people are affected (or have been) by the lockdown as it's hardly had an impact for him personally.

He has tried telling me this morning that the government is scrapping universal credit which he knows supplements my income, so I don't appreciate him trying to cause worry like that (not that I believe it mind)

He joked the other day that he was able to get around the supermarket quickly by having people move out of his way by speaking loudly about his friend (who was with him) having covid.

When I had covid myself, though mildly, he was still going on about how its all a big con. He managed to be supportive for all of a few minutes then resorted to thinking it's a load of old tosh.

I've clearly overlooked alot of things over the years as I don't have many friends and cared about him alot in spite of his faults. He's one of the only people I'm still in touch with from back home.

We've known one another since I was 12, I'm now 26.

To add, his friend didn't have covid he was just saying so to make people in the shop nervous because he thought it was funny.

I don't think it's worth maintaining a friendship because it's been around for a while. Does he bring anything positive to your life? No? Withdraw without regret.

I tend to think that unless old friends become aggressive you stick by them. You have a conspiracy theorist nutter friend, he reminds me if someone I know. Just engage less?

Sadly I think the only reason we remain friends now is because of the history, lots of memories etc.

We don't have much in common anymore as whilst I might have found him trolling funny when I was 15-16 I certainly don't anymore.

I'll always care about him despite all of the above but I do find his conspiracy rants draining. If I offer an alternative perspective he doesn't want to know. In his mind he's right and everybody else is deluded.

How on earth has anyone voted YABU? He sounds a spiteful fucker to me. Esp the bit about the benefit you are entitled to. OP this guy just definitely isn’t a real friend to you. Screw people like this. I’m 47 and have encountered people like this before. Cut ties (gently or otherwise). What a thoughtless, rude, controlling arsehole. You sound lovely btw. I’m sure many other OP’s will feel the same. Not man bashing....just fed up with balshy twats like that. Get a g&t later and toast to yourself that you’re best rid xxx👊🏼

Speaking as someone who stuck with a bad friendship for far too long out of a sense of long-term loyalty - ditch, ditch, DITCH. It will only get more and more draining. You wouldn’t stay in a romantic relationship like this, so why should a ‘friend’ get a free pass?

You have to think of yourself and what you’re getting out of this friendship. The former friend I ditched is still trying to work his way back in three years later, which just proves to me that, despite how he treated me, he was the one benefitting all along. You say you don’t have many friends, but isn’t three friends you can rely on better than five or six when half of them are nightmares?

I voted most definitely NOT being unreasonable. Meant to ask.... does he have a partner/wife? X

Very well said @StillCoughingandLaughing
You’re so right. Why is it some people don’t see a good friend right in front of them? Makes you feel like shit and even when you try and back off... they get worse! Maybe we should just feel a bit sorry for them. We deserve better than that.

Sadly I think the only reason we remain friends now is because of the history, lots of memories etc.

Yep, sounds all too familiar.

Just engage less?

Does this ever really work though? Or will he just start pushing the OP about why she hasn’t been in touch on top of everything else?

Thank you all for the replies

I don't actually get anything much from the friendship now, our conversations are quite one sided. He'll pop up telling me about an argument he's had online or an activity he has done but I can't remember the last time he's actually asked how I am, or how my DC is.

I went to visit him at the start of the year before all of this started and it was great to see him after 4 years or so, I did have a nice time and we got to do one of our shared hobbies (so in hindsight we do have something in common just not much else.

We're very different these days, I'm quite laid back and like getting on with people whereas he always seems to be embroiled in some argument or drama.

He does have a casual girlfriend but he doesn't see her very often as she isn't local to him.

How interesting. Casual relationship eh? Clearly she hasn’t been on Mumsnet with us lot telling her to ‘run for the hills’!!!😂

I would quietly ditch him.

How about giving him some home truths and laying down some ground rules if he wants to continue having a friendship with you? If he isn’t interested then I would say phase him out, life is too short to have to subject yourself to this tiresome bullshit. It wouldn’t be so bad if he gave a shit how you are and took an interest in your life but he doesn’t.

As the saying goes - dont cling into a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Hes no friend, and the awful memories of who he is now will start tainting the memories of all the good times.

Stop contacting him, and he will soon get the hint.

In theory, I’m a big believer that friends can have different beliefs and still be friends. But it takes respect and consideration. I’ve ended friendships because the other person changed over time until every conversation consisted of them haranguing me aggressively with opinions that I didn’t agree with and actually found upsetting. For example, there was the friend who got into alternative medicine/ conspiracy theories. I ended the friendship after she spent an entire day out (i) telling me that I was going to get cancer because I had a dash of milk in my tea, and (ii) accusing people who die of cancer of being sheep because if they were clever and well-read like her, they’d know that Vitamin C cures all cancers and the government suppresses that information because it makes money out of people dying.

I tend to think that unless old friends become aggressive you stick by them

God, why?! If someone isn’t a net positive force in your life why bother expending your precious, limited time and energy on them?

Ghost him Op.

@VeraPink I don't know! I just dont see it that everyone necessarily has to be a "net positive force" in your life, I think that's a bit aspirational and isnt always how it works. Sometimes people can remain on your life out of loyalty towards them and shared history, and you can choose to tune out when their annoying side comes out. It sounds like the OP doesnt feel that way though so is best to move on, yes.

I would let the friendship drift. You said you saw him for 1st time in 4 years. I'd just not contact him. Covid is a good excuse not to meet up. And you could both be in different places in another 4 years.

I know where he gets it all from (the conspiracy stuff) it's from his mother.

The 'being a twat' not so much.

It would be easy in theory to phase him out as we live 250 miles apart and only talk online for the most part.

I'm sad about it but it's very draining.

Sadly I think the only reason we remain friends now is because of the history, lots of memories etc.

This is what keeps people in bad relationships.

This Is who he is now. It always was it's just become patently obvious - but it took the internet, conspiracies and COVID to provide the right environment for his real self to flourish.

He sounds tiresome at best and spiteful at worst. How could a friend seem to be relishing the fact you could be put into difficulties?

I'd back off and let this one go. Leave him to enjoy the company of his own kind...