Non contact with family, illness.

[Rumbletumbleinmytummy]

I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible, but I'd really like to ask some advice please.
I'm a black and white thinker and I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

I am no contact with most of my family, very low contact with one sibling.
I had an abusive upbringing, that has left me with a lot of anxiety disorders, including OCD and C PTSD. None of the products of my childhood home are without mental or emotional issues.

I was accepted and thrown out of the family too many times to count. Usually for things like when I had a cancer scare, that I didnt allow DD to move in with my parents because its unfair for a child to see her mother wither away and die (I was 21 and needed my mum but she wouldnt speak to me for 6 months) or when she chucked me out of the house when i was 17 because I had depression (apparently my mood was making them unhappy)

My mum decided she wanted nothing to do with me, and the rest of the family followed suit. Then they decided to not have a relationship with my daughter. Probably for the best because the relationship wasnt positive for DD. She wasnt getting any quality time with them, they almost had contact with her as their "right"

Were now 5+ years away.
I have a nice life DD has a nice life. I want no part of their drama or dysfunction.

Last night I was told by my low contact sibling that my Gran is unwell and likely to die very soon and she wants to see DD.

My heart hurts to hear that, but my first thought and reaction is that I dont need to add this situation to DDs plate.

DD is 12. Hasnt seen any of the family for over 5 years, they chose to have no relationship with her, and to expect her to now turn up and bond with this family member, who is dying.

I feel awful for thinking this way, but it seems like the easiest way to traumatise her.

My snap decision is no, it's not going to happen but I dont feel comfortable with that decision, I think it's the finality of it.
DD doesnt even really remember her. Which I find sad, but reinforces my belief that maybe DD really wouldnt gain anything from this meeting.

Please dont tear me apart. I know I sound callous, but I have to think of myself and DD, they never did.
I wish there was a way they could have what they're hoping for without it damaging DD or me. Whenever we have contact with them its disastrous.

I worded that badly. I think to put DD in that situation would be the easiest way to traumatise DD, which is the biggest part of why I'm against it.

Not hoping to traumatise anyone!

I would be against it too.

Your daughter is your concern, not them. They haven't wanted to see her growing up and they don't get to call the shots now.

The person dying is going to a place where they won't care either so definitely NO your daughter comes first

Ultimately, who is this going to benefit?

Your DD is not an emotional plaster that can be slapped on any old wound to the benefit of the person in need.

As you say, she doesn't really remember them and introducing her to her great grandma who then dies shortly after will do nothing but traumatise the poor girl.

I've always loved the phrase "don't set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm" - I think it applies perfectly here. They chose to cast you out, treated you horribly, and then ignored your precious DD. Such horrible actions and decisions on their part don't just disappear because someone is near death.

Stick to your guns. You're right.

Why can't you speak with your DD and ask her. She's 12, she can discuss her feelings with you and reach a joint decision.

Absolutely trust your instincts on this. You know this would be awful for your DD and neither you nor she have any obligations here.

Whilst I understand everything you have said, I would firstly ask DD if she wants to go and if she does, both of you go and stick it in their faces how well you have done without their support over the years. It’s probably guilt that your grandmother feels and wants to try and make amends.

I would talk to your daughter and explain why you don't think its a good idea. See what she thinks.
If you categorically refuse without talking to her this may come back and bite you. I suspect your daughter may have contact with your family as she gets older, she'll get curious. They will be able to tell her all about when her mother refused to let her see her dying great gran, from what you've said I suspect they would spin it this way.
Best she knows.

I'm not trying to drip feed, but her stance when we spoke last night about it was, if you go, I will but I dont really remember her. So from that I'm taking that she would go more to support me (shes a really good kid) but that she doesnt seem to have a personal interest in going herself.

I am very much the awful person who's pulled a family apart, and deprived DD of cousins, aunts and grandparents in their view.

You've done the right thing and given dd the option to go and it sounds like she doesn't want to. As you always include her in what's happening that's the best you can do. Ultimately it's her choice whether to be part of their lives or not, even if you aren't.