Feeling uncomfortable in certain social places

[DonnaQuixotedelaManchester]

Hi,

I am a big music fan and really like some scenes but feel uncomfortable once there. Does anyone else ever feel this? I have just been looking at some stuff online (club pics). The clothes, style, decor and music is everything I love but when I go to these places I always feel weirdly alone (when with friends), awkward, self conscious and as though everyone else is enjoying themselves and I am missing something.

I thought it was because some are on drugs, some are drunk but as I get older I wonder if it is just me. I don 't feel like I fit the image, perhaps (bit overweight, usually dressing on a budget).

Just realised that the feeling has been there for such a long time and I have hoped it would go away/ ignored it/drowned it in other stuff but it is still there.

Is it just the vibe that is sent out from others I am picking up on and should ignore?

That sounds like social anxiety & low self esteem. I used to be the same. It still resurfaces on occasion. I had counselling as at one point I hadn't left the house in months. It helped me to see I was judging myself as not good enough: & other people are too busy in their own 'stuff' to bother judging you when they're out .

Radiohead Creep. That’s often how I feel in clubs.

Hi @CSlblonde

Thanks for replying. That would make a lot of sense. I can completely rationalise it out and see that other people are too busy enjoying themselves and not looking or judging me but it is the feeling that they are all connected in and I am not. I can get it in other circumstances and usually just throw myself in to the conversations and maybe at clubs its not really the place. My friends always say that when someone comes up to me to chat I get into really deep conversations (which, with men, is complete nervousness). And I usually bore them away

So, yes perhaps self esteem. Esp as I am overweight.

Maybe you could abandon that scene and try other scenes that feel more naturally enjoyable OP. Sometimes we long to enjoy the things that our friends or other peers seem to be into as it’s nice to connect.

I remember forcing myself to listen and “like” certain music artists because they were popular at the time and friends would rave on about them. But eventually it just clicked that I didn’t NEED to agree lol. The things you truly like should take no effort to enjoy and sort of reveal themselves to you as you explore different things.

The things you truly like should take no effort to enjoy and sort of reveal themselves to you as you explore different things.

This is what I know in my head - it should feel natural. I think a lot of the club scene is a hook up scene and I have never been comfortable with that, either. So, I like some elements but not all. It also puts me off when places are too cool and try hard.

I think maybe I just haven't found my thing.

So, even as a teenager at parties I was the one looking after the strange girl being sick in the toilet or hearing someone's sob story. I think there, it was a mixture of being overweight and unattractive and I just didn't get any desirable attention from guys.

Wanting to have actual conversations does not make you boring. Quite the opposite in my mind, though I felt the same as you when I was in my late teens/early 20s.

There's nothing wrong with you. Clubs are just really weird places. Good for dancing but not good for meeting people unless you like to grope first, talk later (which is fine if that is your thing).

@ThePlantsitter

Yes, maybe I am just trying too hard to fit in somewhere that is not right for me - or looking for something that I should seek out elsewhere.

It just hit me tonight that I have felt for ages that I have been trying to squeeze myself into a space that is too small and restrictive for me in so many aspects of my life and I don't know where I picked that up from. Competition at work, perhaps ? and falling for the image of other peoples lives rather than the reality? I don't know. Just that feeling that everyone else is having fun except me yet secretly I am actually happy watching an episode of a good show on TV .

Quite often at huge gigs I feel like I’m observing everyone else and not as immersed in it. I had a rotten time at a gig which I’d accompanied a friend to (I wasn’t a big fan of the artist) and couldn’t wait to get home. I am generally socially anxious but good at hiding it.

Never clubbed growing up because it seemed “dangerous”...lots of unpredictable people at close quarters and I’m hypersensitive in general. It just always felt like I was looking out the corner of my eye trying to spot risks. It took me until my late 20s to actually relax in a pub.

I always feel like I admire those people who are in the moment enjoying themselves and just looking so free. I always feel “bound”, like I’m in a bubble outside of it all wondering why I’m not “normal”...

By the way, being overweight does not automatically make you unattractive. I don't mean just to those weird fat fetishist people either. Attractive is about the sparkle in your eye, your soft skin, even your massive arse if that's what you have (I have can you tell ). As soon as you learn to be interested in being sexy because you like sex and not because you're an offering at the market place the fact you're attractive is never again in question. I hope I'm making sense there. It's about thinking about what you want not what might attract you to others.

Exactly @NameChange84

Perfect description 'those people who are in the moment enjoying themselves and just looking so free. I always feel “bound”, like I’m in a bubble outside of it all wondering why I’m not “normal”...'

Free and completely in the moment. they can't all be on drugs???

I was in Manchester in the music hey day of the 90s. I just didn't feel it. (although I think there, they were all on drugs ).

@ThePlantsitter

As soon as you learn to be interested in being sexy because you like sex and not because you're an offering at the market place the fact you're attractive is never again in question. I hope I'm making sense there. It's about thinking about what you want not what might attract you to others.

Please say more Plantsitter. I am hopeless in this area. I run from anyone I am attracted to. And then mope. And then throw myself into my work and decide I will be an interesteing career woman who is happy being single.

Oh I dunno I'm not magical but I think really is just working on yourself. Doing things you want not what you think you should. If you don't enjoy clubs, do something you would like instead, like a class where you can have deep conversations, or sailing or something where it's actually fun and you don't have to be thin or especially fit, or competitive. Just things that make you aware of your nice powerful body and are about enjoying it.

Obviously I'm a wreck mentally and should not be advising but I *am" definitely sexy!

Ha Ha!!! Join the club.

I think there is a side to me that really likes some aspects of that world but not others and I just have to accept that I am not so cool anymore (I have always known I have a hidden geeky side and do embrace it privately).

I love the outdoors and camping - love it.

See, deep down I always wanted to be the DJ and I am so jealous of anyone involved directly with music. (making/performing/spinning teh decks).

So, I want to be actively involved not passively. But I don't know where to start...

And I am no spring chicken, either.

Aha! Well you need to do it then don't you?! If you are in London there's this www.londonsoundacademy.com/buy-a-course and I'm sure there are others elsewhere. And Xmas coming up...

The thing is being extrovert is valued & seen as 'good' by all & sundry & so introverts & homebody people feel bad Coffee or wine with a friend , a film at home or at cinema is my thing. Or doing house decor & DIY stuff together.

Wow - that is a good find. I do know of Ableton and have played around with it a bit (see, that's my inner geek coming out and I could read music as a child ).

I need to find my own style? groove? identity ? I have never managed to nail that completely. In my teen years I was grunge before it was a thing and that wasn't really intentional - I was aiming for boho/indie but as I was buying second hand nothing really fitted! As an adult I have bought clothes for work and completely lost my style (esp as I have put more weight on).

@CSIblonde

Completely. However, there is a social side to me and I do miss some aspects of that world.