AIBU to not her real father to her?

[C0mm0nsense]

Always been fascinated in discovering my family tree. Have skirted around plotting my tree online for a while. During lockdown I took the opportunity to delve in and the results have stunned me.

I also took a DNA test on one of the popular ancestry sites that matches you with people who share you DNA to varying degrees. Everything seemed normal except for one shared match. It was a lady in her 80's - it displayed her as a closer match to me than my dad's cousin but I'd never heard of her or vice versa. Fast forward a couple of months and through various conversations, it transpires that her mother had her very young and she never knew her real father. Through various processes of elimination the only feasible person who we share that could have been her father (based on our shared centimorgan DNA reading) was my paternal great-grandfather. My great grandfather passed away about 20 years ago and my grandad 6 years ago, so I suggested getting my grandad's 79 year old sister (my great-aunt) to take a test. The logic being if she and this mystery DNA match came back half-sisters then we'd know they shared the same dad. My great aunt was fasinated so I bought the test kit and she took it.

Fast forward to today - the results arrive with the biggest curveball. They are not half-sisters, in fact they are not related at all!

I can see my great aunt is related to my dad and myself through our DNA results, however she is not a full great aunt but a HALF great aunt. Basially her mother in my great-grandmother but the man she's thought was her father (as did we) for all of her life is not my great-grandfather!!!

What the hell do I do now? She's waiting to see if she has a half-sister she didn't know about. Now the reality is the women she thought might be her half-sister IS the biological daughter of my great-grandfather but this same man she thought was her father isn't at all!

I have to tell her something but this will change her whole life and there is no one to give her the answers she'll need. She means the world to me and I don't want to upset her but I also don't want to lie to her. AIBU to not tell her?

the title should read "AIBU not to tell her he's not her father?"

What would be the point of telling her?
I'd just say something like the test results show you aren't related after all.
That way you aren't lying but you aren't telling her something likely to deeply distress her and that she can't ever get answers about.

They are step sisters at least. Good luck with that one.

Please don’t. How horrible to find out at her age that he me father wasn’t her father and that she will never be able to get any answers to who her father was. Let her have her memories.

*Her father don’t have no idea where me popped in

Are you sure they’ve got the tests the right way round, could it be an error?

For genetic testing in hospital there is usually counselling provided because of the repercussions the results can give. I think lots of people think ancestry tests are a bit of fun but they can have devastating consequences.

I would just say to your aunt that you clearly got it wrong and she isn’t related to this other woman after all.

My mum was told in her seventies that her dad was actually not her biological dad. It all came out in a big family row, it devastated her.
Tell your Aunty that it was v strange but no, you appear to not be related after all to the lady, or they lost the tests.
These tests bring about a great deal of angst that people don’t factor in. Don’t shatter your aunt’s memories of her dad.

I don't get it. I thought she never knew her real father? Did she think it was your paternal g-grandfather before you met through the site? Or did that come through you exploring the possibilities between you?

So your great grandparents were quite a pair!
I found out I had a half sister via ancestry dna. Born the year my mum and dad got married. My mum was pissed. Even though they've been divorced 40 years!

LIE

She's almost 80 & nothing good can come if her knowing the truth at this point in her life. Nothing at all.

Lie because you love her

Sorry, I've got it now: you have discovered that the great aunt you have always known had a different father to your grandad, her (now known to be half-) brother.

The lady you found on the ancestry site is kind of irrelevant to that dilemma.

Ok, I wouldn't tell your great aunt. (but I wouldn't be able to stop trying to work it all out either!)

Can’t you just say they’re sisters? Because in your aunt’s eyes they share a parent?

Thanks all. My inclination is not to tell her the truth. I love her dearly and I can’t imagine how awful it would feel to find this out at nearly 80 years old.

I have got quite friendly with the new DNA matched lady/new half-great aunt and her daughter over the past few months and it was for their benefit that I was trying to prove her biological father through the DNA test.

Now I am in a position where I need to provide feedback to both my great aunt and my newly DNA matched great aunt. They both want and deserve an answer.

Do I explain to the DNA aunt what the situation really is? She’ll be surprised they’re not half-sisters (as we assumed) but it doesn’t affect who her real father is and will still give her the answer she’s been after all her life.

It’s then what on earth I tell my great aunt. She’s a wonderful woman who didn’t have the easiest upbringing but is very savvy for her age and will question how I’m related to this women when she isn’t.

I was thinking of saying that although they don’t appear to be sisters that she must be the illegitimate child of my great-grandfather’s father. I know that sounds mad but it’s probable, plus she didn’t really have anything to do with that side of the family growing up, so I think she might accept this.

@Gentleness - sorry, I couldn’t find a way of explaining it that wasn’t complicated but you’ve got it right.

@MJMG2015
This is my thinking.
I love her dearly. She’s a wonderful women and the closest thing I have to a grandparent now. She’s very philosophical about things but I really don’t know how she would react to this. I desperately don’t want to hurt her.

@Twaddledee sadly yes, this appears right. Myself and my dad appear to be related to both of them but there is no biological link between the two of them.
I feel devastated for my great aunt. I really don’t want to lie to her but I just don’t think I can tell her the truth.

@passthemustard They really were quite the pair. I just never thought my family would have these sort of skeletons in the closet. Both my dad and I are in shock.

I can quite understand why your mum would be annoyed, even after 40 years. You must have been shocked too?!