To ask if you have deliberately created a ‘new you’ as you have aged?

[JontyDoggle37]

I’m not sure I’m explaining this well, I’m 43 and hitting the realisation that my body will never be the same again, that I’m not as full of energy as I was (medical conditions) and I feel a bit like I’ve lost ‘me’, because I can’t physically be that person any more. So I’m trying to think about who I want to be instead...and getting jumbled in my thinking about it, so I thought I’d ask here, if other people have consciously reinvented themselves as they got older?

I think I'm starting to go through this process a bit OP. I'm just mid-30's and never thought I was shallow but have realized that a lot of my identity was tied up in my looks and youth. Now that they are rapidly failing (thank you DC!) I'm trying to redirect my focus to other "pursuits" so to speak. I've signed up for a postgraduate course in a field of work I always wanted to pursue and have started immersing myself in that world and it's changing my outlook. Sorry that's all a bit vague but I don't want to be too outing as I've family on here!

@Onxob agree my identity was tied up in looks and youth too. And now I haven’t got those, who am I? I can’t even work out what to wear because I can’t work what looks like me any more. I feel like I need to be able to draw one of those little kid pictures of a person with written labels around it that sum me up and I can’t. It’s discombobulating.

I gradually lost the old me. Still not sure what the current version is, however I have found things I am interested in and some I am passionate about, and have realised that all the effort and money I spent I made to look good has kind of worn off.

I have no sparkle any more but also am not so bothered about what people think of me which has given me some freedom. My style has changed now that I no longer have to force myself to dress the way my work dictated and I can choose how I want to look.

I have a plan and an idea of how I want things to be, which is what I want, not what I have to to for others. I would like to be slimmer but have inherited the genes from my parents, and if I follow their pattern I will be slim in a couple of years.

I remind myself that I can be who I want to be from time to time when it is all really shit, it helps. Looking at people online of a similar age and their different styles encourages me to work towards what I see that feels like me.

Maybe that would work for you?

I’ve reinvented myself numerous times over the years.

It’s natural progression, it’s experience driven, it’s a mirror of your current circumstances I think.

It’s also a reflection of how many fucks I can be arsed to give.

Not me, but my mum. After she was widowed she found a new confidence by volunteering, making new friends and a social life she never had before. She also worked out what clothes she actually liked. I don’t think you can reinvent yourself by thinking about it, it has to be trial and error. Try something new, see if you like it / it gives you a sense of purpose. If not, try something else... Good luck.

Yes, I suppose, in that the older I get the less I care what others think, or about fitting in. So I haven’t reinvented myself, I have just become more who I want to be, although to others it appears I have changed.

I just became more confident in who I actually was and following my dreams rather than being what society expected me to be and following dreams I was told I should have.

Peri-menopause may soon give you a new you - most of it not great, but the "not giving a fuck" bit is great, empowers you to do loads of things YOU want. Not what other people want you to do or what you always used to do or what you think other people think you should do.

Oops forgot my next point .

Rather than just sitting down with a blank paper with NEW ME at the top, start listening to the little voice inside you, like your inner kid. Try taking notice day-to-day when something catches your attention and you think oh thats interesting/fun/cool etc. Or someone doing an activy/holiday (ok prob not this year). Or something you've always wanted to try (within your physical limitations)Then find out about it and see if thats somethign that resonates with you. So easy to find info/groups/videos online.

If anyone wants any inspiration.. www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/fitness/fat-loss/a33497673/joan-macdonald-transformation/?utm_campaign=likeshopme&utm_term=www.instagram.com/p/CFbtouYn--B/&utm_medium=social&utm_source=instagram&utm_content=post

Every woman must do that at some point don't they? I mean, looks don't last forever?

Frankly, now that my looks are pretty much off the table, I more confident that I ever have been. I'm valued for my intelligence and ability, rather than my pretty face. It's liberating.

No. I'm very li jy with my genes, everyone in my family ages very slowly, and I still do a lot of competitive sport in my late forties so feel much the same as ever. I did put on a bit of weight, but I resurrected my previous rigid diet and training regime that worked when I was younger and I'm now back to that weight. The menopause isn't bothering me because I'm on hrt. So all in all, I feel pretty good and in some ways better because I had an awful doughball face when I was younger, and I also have more confidence, experience and money now.

I get what you're saying though. Being selfish and trying to act young as you get older isn't great. It's surely better to leave people with a good impression of you as a sort of solid, reliable decent person. There are some men I know who have acted as complete idiots in middle age, losing most of their friends and I have no respect for them.

The thing that annoys me about ageing the most though is that British women seem to have some guilt complex instilled in them, so that they keep mentioning their age, or getting older all the time. It's really irritating and serves no purpose. I've lived abroad and I have never met women in a country who did this to such an extent. I find myself wishing that I can just get through one visit with a late forties or 50 something friend (all in great shaie) withiut them mentioning their age, but no, it never seems to happen.

I initially struggled with becoming "invisible" in my mid-late 40's but then realised that it's actually really freeing. I think that only once you don't care about the impression you make on others, can you finally be your 100% true self. So I wouldn't really call it a reinvention, more a "I'm finally me" realisation.

@Meruem that's it exactly! I've too have become invisible! And I can do, and look like whatever I please. It's so tiring trying to live up to a societal standard. Now I can have fun - I actually feel sorry for the youngsters....

Not quite age related, but after I became physically disabled I had to give up sports and lots of active days out which was what a lot of my time revolved around.

I threw myself into finding new hobbies and things I'm passionate about. It took a while to really find my things bit once I did I lost that feeling of not knowing where I fit in anymore.

Try and think of things you've always thought looked interesting and see if you can try them out. Maybe see what your friends are into and ask if you can tag along. You never know what you might find out about yourself.

Interestingly, in my 40s, I've found I've gone the other way - I'd say I'm a lot more stylish and focused on how I look now. Not in a "sexy in the pub/" kind of way but more in a "I'm much more confident in who I am as a person now and feel comfortable partly making the statement with how I look". When I was younger, I felt uncomfortable standing out and tended to be very neutral in terms of my style. Over the last few years I've definitely felt more comfortable choosing a particular way of looking that, I think, flatters and suits me and says something about my personality.

It’s weird because I didn’t consciously create a new me. i just seemed to blossom out of nowhere. Literally everything changed from the way I dress to my personality and that wasn’t until in my 30s

I do get what your trying to say but no i don't feel that way, i just do what I want when I want, I just dont have the energy for much currently.

I want to study but hate exams and deadlines, I genuinely don't care how I look other than meeting basic society requirements and for work.

I keep my self tidy and clean and that as far as I go.

SillyLittleBiscuit thank you for the article, very inspiring!

Yes. I realised that I don't have the values the people I worked with & for , had. I'm happiest in jeans or leggings. Money isn't the best all & end all. I accept now that I'm a introvert rather than beat myself up about it. It's liberating not to wonder why I'm not like those people. And I've retrained to be a Counsellor which after all my fear that I wouldn't be up to the study,was easy as it totally fascinates me, which my previous job never did. My only regret is I didn't do it years earlier.

A timely article here: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/sep/22/weird-liberation-women-wild-truth-midlife-menopause

I read that earlier today and it really struck a chord with me.

I’ve had a similar thing in my early 30s as my twenties were all about heavy drinking and partying and my identity was very much as a party animal. My friends stopped wanting to do this as they turned 30 and I slowly caught up with them. However I haven’t worked out yet what to replace that identity with! I have a very straight-laced boring job so don’t want to fill it with that. It’s also a bit awkward now as every time I see anyone after a bit of a break they assume I’m going to be wanting to chug shots and cocktails Think I need to re-make myself as a wholesome wife/mother

Good thread OP. I don’t know the answers for myself yet, but definitely pondering the contrast between the goody-two-shoes schoolgirl I once was and the person I am now/want to be.
And it’s something that the death of RBG makes me reflect on. We can do things with our life right up until it ends. We have achievements ahead of us.

I think some of it is that I’ve always built identities for myself around what I wear, kind of a uniform, but now I’ve changed shape and just haven’t worked out what suits me now. In terms of things I enjoy, I know I love spending time with my horse, my son and my husband and dogs, reading, cooking and writing my novel. Thanks for all your comments. Lots to dig through.