to tackle dil every time she rubbishes my kids

[lesleyw1953]

I hate confrontation. One of my DIL makes a point of making overt criticisms of all her husband's siblings. My DH says she is insecure and we should just ignore. However, it is driving me nuts. She will make claims, eg, my DD landed her with her kids on the pretext of being only an hour and then lied about a traffic jam to excuse being late (untrue) another DD cheated them out of 2 months rent ( proved untrue), There are many examples and I am becoming increasingly angry. On the other hand my DS is happily married to her and I do not want to cause dischord for his sake. So one solution is not passing on her remarks - but then I feel that I am colluding in her deception. In the most recent instance I did pass on one of the allegations and my DD went nuts and called her brother - who had no idea what she was talking about because his wife had simply invented it. Things are very complex - I genuinely like my DIL and if her lies stayed exclusively with me they would cause no damage. But we are at the stage where some of my kids are blanking others and I am not sure how much of this is due to DIL. WWYD

if her lies stayed exclusively with me they would cause no damage.

That’s part one of your solution.

The second part is how to respond to her when she starts spinning a yarn. My preference would be to hold up my hands when she starts saying ‘I’m going to stop you right there - if you have a problem with X I don’t want to hear it. You should talk to them directly’ and if she persists tell her very clearly that what she is discussing is none of your business and you will leave the room if she doesn’t change the subject.

I don’t have any junior ILs yet but occasionally my adult D.C. have normal sibling disagreements. My life has been much easier since I told them that I wasn’t going to take sides in their arguments and that now they are adults they have to sort things out for themselves. That was about 18 months ago and they seem to have become even closer now there is no chance of recruiting me as a go-between.

"That's the third time you've come to me with complaints about my children, and the past two times it was nonsense. I don't want to hear it any more."
And reduce contact slightly. Unless you provide childcare there is no need for you to meet her 1 on 1.

'Tackling' 'rubbishing' - it's all very aggressive language. I wouldn't be doing any of that. I'd tell her to speak to them directly then change the subject. There's no need for all the drama or the side-taking.
Your DS isn't necessarily telling the truth. He could just be opting for the least confrontational option. You sound too enmeshed in your adult DCs' lives and you have no way of knowing what's actually going on.

The only thing to do when faced with a liar is to be scrupulously honest. The next time she comes to you with complaints, explain how it made you feel to be lied to last time. Say you think that, in order to keep on good terms with her, you'd prefer it if she was honest with you. And, as you would with a child, ignore the lies and gossip, and reward (with your time, attention and honest affection) the happy and pleasant things she has to say.

You don't have to be confrontational, almost the opposite. It's all about you = "I felt this way..." "I'd really like to be able to stay on good terms with you," "It would be lovely if we could talk about other things" etc. Good luck, OP.

Tackle her gently yourself without drawing anybody else in. Have the understanding when you talk to her, that maybe the reason she fabricates these stories could be to make you love her as much as you love your own children. I’m not saying you don’t because as you say, you like her anyway. Sounds as if she admires and respects you and your family and because she is insecure, tries to elevate her own position in your heart and mind by knocking the others down. It’s very juvenile. She needs your firm guidance on this ...reassurance as well in a way before she ruins her own reputation. And she needs to say sorry to your dd.

Another perspective, OP. 'Have your children's back' and pass on the communications. Don't be surprised when your DS and DIL go NC but bask in your 'rightness'.

Perhaps, 'that sounds terrible. DS, you both need to speak to your sibling to sort that out and let me know how you get on' might be an alternative plan.

Good luck.

Have you mentioned to her since that you know she was lying? I would find it very difficult not to, what a peculiar person.

On no account should you engage with this. Tell her to take it up with whoever is concerned, or gracefully change the subject. Passing on anything she says to you about someone else will only fuel the situation and further enable her (strange) behaviour. I do think that some of what you mention sounds like over-exaggeration rather than big tall whoppers, but when it's part of a pattern it can be very frustrating.

One of two things is the case here: first is that she's manipulative and is spinning these yarns because she can rely on you to be the conduit to sow discord between your children. If so, clip her wings and don't. If you do, you're only going to get enmeshed in the web.

Or second: she's a pathological liar. In that case, you can do nothing with such people.

I'd stand back, and if she repeats the behaviour gently but firmly deflect. It's better to maintain a relationship with your son and DiL than hold the claim to being right, even if you are.

@ScrapThatThen

Treat it as though pathological - make it clear that you don't believe her but gloss over kindly, let the sibs know it seems to be a compulsive thing, and remember that compulsive lying usually happens because of severe childhood adversity attachment issues which are unresolved

I like this approach.

Her repeated lying is going to damage the family otherwise. If you only shut down her lying to you, she'll just move on to a new sympathetic ear to drip poison into. You also don't want to assist her in shutting your son off from his family.

So bring it out into the open that she lies and that her bitching about other people should always be taken with a huge pinch of salt. If you do it kindly, as suggested, people won't feel the need to take sides and defend her behaviour – but nor will they be sucked in and get cross with each other.

'Dont bitch to me' should cover it

You have to tell he you dont wnat to hear everytime

I agree with the posters who advise sitting it down early with something along the lines of "I'm not going to get involved in this, you need to take it up with X directly". Otherwise you're just perpetuating the drama triangle

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

@Henrysmycat

I’m sorry I’m going to throw in a curve ball but are you sure the DS that’s married to the liar is happy and not putting on a show? I’ve had a similar case and my DB was unhappy but didn’t want to lose face. On the other hand, my ex-SIL wanted to isolate him away from his family and she would mess the whole family up. She succeed for some years. It was the most miserable 10 years of our lives as a family.

I also have a friend who went through something similar and put on a brave face for 5 years. He wasn't happily married but everyone thought he was.

"Have you spoken to her/him? Why on earth not? Go and talk to/ask her/him; it doesn't sound like her/him" etc.

Don't let it go either. Once she's whinged about something make a point of asking her if she's sorted it out, what happened etc next time you see or speak to her. Perhaps not in front of others - except your ds. He needs to know the extent of her lying about his siblings.

You wouldn't be sowing discord; she, however, already is.

I would guess that she has something in her background involving her relationship with her mother or a close female relative. It is you she is deliberately winding up, it is you she expects to take the tales and cause ructions in the family, why? So you get the blame? So your family splits and causes you upset?
I would make sympathetic noises and not pass anything to anyone as she is deliberately manipulating you and you Are aiding her.

I would be challenging back - next time she starts bitching about someone - just say - can we stop it there - why don't you take it up directly with your husband and x - remember last time you got the wrong end of the stick about the rent. I don't want to discuss this further right now... And repeat...
I think its important to reiterate to her the times she was caught out

Good advice here, and you need to tread carefully, but I would just pick up on one thing

'every time she rubbishes my kids'

• yes they are your kids, and of course that is going to inform the way you feel about this, but try and remember that actually, that isn't what it is. None of these people will primarily see themselves as 'your kids'. They will see themselves as husbands and wives and representatives of their OWN families. Your DIL's primary loyalty is to her DH, and his to her. Same with your DD and her family, etc. The point I'm making is it's always, ALWAYS a bad idea to think you know the ins and outs of a situation when some of the other people involved in it are married to one another. You won't know what your DS has said to his wife about his sister. You won't really know their interpersonal relationships... whether your DIL is the only shit-stirrer, in other words.

Your DIL certainly sounds problematic. Not doubting you there. But just make sure you retain a bit of distance here.

I would have strong but calm words with DIL. I would remind her that it's my family she is talking about. I'd say I like her very much but I am second guessing my own judgement on that now when she spouts such horrible lies about my children and that I will always pass the comments on if she says anything like that.

This could well be narcissistic triangulation OP and people do it to feel more powerful and in control because deep down they're insecure.

You could say to her something like, what did he/she say when you complained to them about it (signalling gently that she should approach people directly if she has a problem)?

If she says she hasn't done, suggest that that's the best approach. If she says she has done and got no resolution (continuing the original lie) just say that's the only way to get things resolved to deal directly with the person, although you can appreciate it must be difficult for her 🙄.

She's trying to guilt you into being on her side and feel bad about others. She can only do this if you play the game. See it as a game that you can choose not to play. I would also be tempted to spend a bit of one to one time with your son, not asking directly if anything is wrong but to make him feel supported in case anything is wrong.

She is a grown woman and your children are also adults. Tell her you don't want to hear it or say "oh okay then" and move on. Otherwise point them in the direction of whichever one she is having a pop at and say "you might want to have a chat with x about that"