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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To break up with someone by text after sleeping together?

13 replies

xdaisyx · 20/09/2020 23:10

Hello,

So I’m in a bit of pickle. At the beginning of this year I applied for a job in Dubai (currently live UK) when Covid hit the job was withdrawn in March time, no big deal. Last month I met someone online and we’ve dated for a month and slept together etc... yesterday I received an email offering me the job in Dubai which had apparently had started up again. I really want to take this job but not sure how to handle it with the guy I’ve been seeing. I’m due to go round tomorrow but I’m not sure what the etiquette is in these situations. He’s a lovely bloke so I feel really bad. I wouldn’t be moving for a month or two but I was going to drop him a text re: the job tomorrow morning and just say if he’d rather not meet up tomorrow and just move on then thats fine but I’m honestly not sure if that’s a dick move and I should do it face to face instead?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

Sunnyrainshowers · 20/09/2020 23:14

Do you like him? Then I would say face to face. But if he's somebody you didnt see a future with, whether the job offer came up or not, then probably I would just text.

Feelingconfused2020 · 20/09/2020 23:15

I think go round and do it face to face.

Over text is a dick move and you have a couple of months anyway do not reason to be so hasty.

Plesky · 20/09/2020 23:23

This is ridiculous. You’re not getting hauled off to the UAE tomorrow morning. Why wouldn’t you just see him and tell him the truth? Are you saying you don’t want to see him again during your remaining time in the country?

VestaTilley · 20/09/2020 23:24

It’s a horrible, upsetting thing to do to someone. Tell him face to face. He might have really liked you.

Honeyroar · 20/09/2020 23:27

Why can’t you go round, tell him you need to chat. Say you’re going to be working abroad in the near future and won’t be able to continue with the relationship. Tell him he’s lovely and you’ve had fun, but you don’t want a LTR or to waste his time. Wish him well..? Why is that such a big deal? Be kind.

Original poster

xdaisyx · 20/09/2020 23:28

No, it’s not that I don’t like him. I just felt bad rocking up to what he expected to be a lovely date and then throwing that on him so I thought maybe by giving him the heads up he could have some time to process and see what he wants to do.

I’d love to keep seeing him until I leave but equally he could just want to move on and not waste his time on something that isn’t going to be long term if that makes sense. Like i said, I just wasn’t sure how to best handle it to minimise any hurt feelings.

Thanks for the advice though, I’ll speak to him tomorrow evening ☺️

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 20/09/2020 23:36

Yes if he was a lovely guy I would want to tell him in person. It’s awkward and horrible feeling to break up with someone (or be broken up with) even if there’s no hard feelings. But if he’s so lovely it’s nice to keep the door open, you might end up staying as friends.

holdmysocks · 21/09/2020 00:16

If you got the impression that he's got feelings for you, I'd tell him in person. If it was quite casual, a text would be fine.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 21/09/2020 00:26

People will go on about how you should do it face to face, but they're really deeply wrong. Texting him means he can have the dignity of not responding and just forgetting about it. Doing it face to face is mortifying for him and forces him to have to put a brave face on. Honestly, there's no good way to do it, so at least opt for the method that allows him some space e.g. text.

If you really feel bad you can offer to meet up if he wants some closure face to face. (Only agree to a public place.)

HeddaGarbled · 21/09/2020 00:35

There is something that is in between a text and a face to face, and that is a phone conversation. That’s what I’d do.

Bunkbedpeople · 21/09/2020 04:57

As someone currently dating , I agree with the texting - I’ve had someone meet me after a few dates and physical intimacy to tell me “face to face” and it was excruciating. I think maybe there’s a difference between modern dating etiquette and “pre tinder dating” with it being more fast paced and informal now?

I was happy dating them and it was fun but I certainly wasn’t head over heels (and had made no indication of this) and it just felt really weird and pompous and overdramatic and a complete waste of time to be dragged out?

So I had to kind of nod and engage with someone (who maybe thought a bit too highly of their impact on my life - I was dating others as well!) rather than just have a polite text I could politely reply to in my own time and get on with my day.

And it was awkward getting home and I blocked them on all fronts as i didn’t want to be involved with the situation any further.

I think with modern dating a month is what, a few meets and some sex, and most normal people will have several alternative dates lined up (if they’re not ALREADY multiple dating) within thirty minutes.

lhmua12 · 21/09/2020 05:05

I think you’re overthinking this and feeling guilty for no reason. I’m in my 20s and people my age travel and move around all the time. Just tell him. You have only been dating a month, you’re both replaceable to each other at this stage.

Just text him along the lines of “so happy I got the job in Dubai, moving next month” and take it from there. He might want to continue seeing you, he might not. I don’t think it will really impact your upcoming date.