AIBU

[UFO1]

Long time lurker but first time poster. I am confused and really want some opinions on AIBU or not.

I want to leave my husband. There is no physical relationship there and after a recent affair (this has since ended) I want a physical relationship. I can't see me ever getting this back with my husband.

But he is a great guy and an awesome dad to our two kids 5 and 8 and there is nothing else in our marriage except for the physical aspect.

AIBU to want to leave? To put my kids through this or am I just being selfish?

I have told him I wanted to split up early July, and he wanted me to try. I have and a couple weeks ago I told him I still don't see me being physical with him.

Leave.

I take it the affair was yours? I'd probably say do the decent thing and leave - if he's a great guy he certainly doesn't deserve this. Better to co-parent as people who can still be civil than continue to give him false hope and expose your children to an increasingly unhealthy relationship.

Yeah just leave him. He's a good guy as you say. He doesn't deserve to be with a cheat who doesn't love him.
Better to hurt him now and leave so you both can have a chance at real happiness.

And the kids will adapt. The happier your life is, the happier their's will be. Staying like this is no good for anybody

You don't need a reason to leave. You can leave any relationship any time for any reason you want.

Your children will find it hard, but they will also find having parents miserable all the time hard too. I spent years and years of my childhood wishing my parents would just split up and get it over with. They ended up doing so when I was 18 and things got a lot better very quickly.

Would you want your children to settle in their relationships, or stick around where they are not happy just because they think they "should". This is the example you are setting for them.

Did you go looking elsewhere for sex before trying to rekindle a sex life with your dh?
What have you both done in the two weeks to rekindle the relationship?
If you put aside for the moment your desire to have sex with someone else,do you love your dh?
If neither of you are actually working on your marriage it won't get better.
But if one is and not the other it won't work either.You both need to be committed to having a happy loving marriage.If you can't do this then yes,separate.
But your children will be broken hearted to be torn away from living with both parents and you need to be ready to put them first before you going looking for a new sex life.

I didn't go looking for the affair it just kind of happened. I would say things between me and my husband have deteriorated over a number of years and there have been some times where it was better but after my youngest was born we got so busy looking after our kids we both neglected our marriage. And during that time there was very minimal physical ness between us. And I'm not just talking sex but even cuddles or hand holding.

So when the opportunity came along earlier this year the feeling of someone being attracted to me I welcomed. Lockdown etc probably put a stop to it although we had both tried to stop the affair a couple of times prior to that. He is also married.

I would also say prior to the affair me and my husband have had sex once in about 3 years. And to be honest I probably had just closed off that side of me. And was actually content with that.

Then the affair came along and knocked me sideways. Now I know there is a whole load of lust and excitement that goes along with that and definitely some rose tinted glasses when I think about it. But with everything that's going on I feel like I am settling when actually things could be different. I just can't see it being different with my husband which would make this all a lot easier if it was.

I thank you for your responses. Please be assured my kids will come first in this which is why I am dithering so much on actually just taking the next step. And I have no intention of going straight out to find another man. I owe that to my husband and to my children to let things settle and find a new normality before anything like that.

He also does not know about the affair and I know doesn't even suspect.

If your kids truly came first you wouldn’t have had an affair. Affairs don’t just happen. You chose to have one. You could have chosen not to.