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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to contact my potential dad

17 replies

Mammawilson · 20/09/2020 15:33

Long story short,
I have never met my dad, mum claims she forgot his surname.

Recently got linked with a second cousin on a dna site not related to my mums side of the family.

She gave me lots of clues and a matched name to my dad who is her cousin. Found him on social media and now dont know what to do.
I'm scared and worry about rejection but also know I wont be able to just leave it. Also now other people are starting to ask questions I'm worried he will hear I'm looking for him from others before he hears from me.
Apparently he knew I existed but walked away all those years ago.

Do I contact him and what do I say? Has anyone experienced this before.

I actually know I will end up contacting him but I want to do it with minimal risk

OP posts:
Blubbermonkey · 20/09/2020 16:24

No advice sorry but bumping for you.

MarmiteCrumpet25 · 20/09/2020 16:29

Yes I think you should contact him. I found my birth father 18 months ago and we have developed a great relationship. I was adopted as a baby though, so maybe different circumstances. I used an intermediary service though for initial contact. I found him through a third cousin match. He has since tested and it shows us as a parent/child match which feels amazing.

wakemeupwhen · 20/09/2020 16:31

Hi, are you on Facebook? There is a really good group on there with people who should be able to help.

Long lost families (based in the UK) everyone welcome.

It's a private group, and gives free help to people trying to find and connect with long lost relatives.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 20/09/2020 17:01

Thanks all, after finding a first - 2nd cousin match on the dna website she could only think of one family member with the name I was looking for so I'm pretty sure its him. I then joined a facebook group who could confirm all the sibling and his full name, they then found him on facebook for me.

It's the initial contact I'm worried about, I'm not sure how I should word it

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 20/09/2020 17:04

No, I don’t think you should contact him. He knows you exist and he chose to walk away; unfortunately that’s his choice, as shitty as it is.

Leaannb · 20/09/2020 17:10

I think you are being unreasonable due to the minimal risk. He walked away for a reason. He has not come looking for you. Reach out but hope for the worst and expect the worse

wakemeupwhen · 20/09/2020 17:43

I think you should reach out or you will never know, but don't expect much. Is there a third party who you can reach out to first, and get them to broach the subject?

lyralalala · 20/09/2020 18:03

Are you prepared for rejection from him? I mean genuinely prepared for that?

You might get no answer, you might get a "thanks, but no thanks", but you might also get something really horrible. An old workmate of mine told a story of a friend of hers who tracked down her biological father and was told that she could fuck off and die as far as he cared, that he'd wanted her mother to get an abortion, that he'd showed what he wanted by fucking off and never contacting her so she should take the hint. He also said some hideous things about her mother. Apparently she was devastated by the manner of his rejection.

If your Mum told you she forgot his surname is that because she didn't know him and didn't know it or because she was trying to protect you from the kind of person he is? Obviously it may also have been for other, selfish, reasons, but you know your Mum - is she a protective Mum or an obstructive Mum?

mediumperiperi · 20/09/2020 18:16

You need to lower your expectations imo. He would have contacted you as an adult if he wasn't allowed contact with you (court or your mum preventing it)
Is there a chance that your mum can't remember his surname because the truth will cause you upset?

mediumperiperi · 20/09/2020 18:18

I wish there was an edit button!

Good luck with contacting him and I hope it all goes well. Thanks

MumW · 20/09/2020 18:20

I also suggest finding an intermediary service.

Tempusfudgeit · 20/09/2020 18:23

Have you told your Mum you've tracked him down? Her reaction might be telling.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 20/09/2020 18:51

My mum has tried to track him down, she's supportive and claims she believes he wont reject me, she believes he walked away as he was young and was led by his friends and she never really chased him as she was just happy she had a child. She has a few mental health issues so her memory is pretty shocking and she said it was easier to block out him and his name. She's helped me search and offered to be the first to contact him but I think that might scare him off more. He wouldn't know my name and probably didn't know her surname so if he had tried to find that would have made it difficult but not impossible

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 20/09/2020 18:55

I think your needs come first, so if you want to reach out, do so. Be prepared for rejection , or it may be a nice reunion. but you never know what will happen if you don’t contact him.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 20/09/2020 19:06

I've messaged him, I'm impulsive and knew after a lifetime of wondering that I couldn't just sit on what I knew, I'm prepared for rejection but through the dna service I have found a new 2nd cousin who I have arranged to meet so even if he rejects me there might be someone from his side who doesnt.

This entire expectation that he is my dad is because of the 2nd cousin on the dna site I couldn't link to anyone on my mums side of the family so I can't say im 100% sure it is him

OP posts:
RuPaula · 20/09/2020 19:10

Oh good luck Mummawilson, I hope you get a positive response.

onwardsagain · 21/09/2020 20:17

I hope this all goes well for you OP 💐

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