To not want my dad to be in my life

[Anxiousgirl23]

Quite a long back story but my dad is an alcoholic who was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me both as a teenager and now as an adult. I have always tried to support him despite his abuse and have had the sole responsibility of caring for him when he has become debilitated by his drink problems and ended up in hospital (8+ times in last 8 years). Despite never turning my back on him, he shows not a single ounce of gratitude for how I’ve helped him (made sure he got the right treatment in hospital, cleared debts he’d got, managed his money, cleaned his flat etc etc) nor any remorse. He criticises everything I do and has turned the few remaining family members I have against me by telling lies about me. He is controlling and makes me feel like I’m stupid and can’t do anything right and always thinks he knows better.

I’ve limited contact with him to via email mainly but now I’m expecting my first baby girl in November, he suddenly thinks he’s going to play happy families and be heavily involved in our daughter’s life but I just don’t want someone who is so toxic around her. I know if I try to tell him this, he will act like I’m being totally unreasonable but I just can’t forgive him for they way he’s treated me....

You have every right to cut him out and see this as a fresh start with your baby.

There is no helping an alcoholic. They are toxic people who will bring nothing but misery to you. I know this from experience.

It's not easy to go no contact with a family member, but sometimes it really is the best thing for your own sanity. The guilt is what makes us feel awful about it - particularly as women. And we are invariably blamed when the wheels fall off again.

Once I'd made the decision it sounded very simple: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANY MORE.

He is NOT your responsibility.

And congratulations!

@Sicario sorry you have also had similar experiences. I feel the same, he never changes even when I think he has. I feel like there is just no benefit to me having a relationship with him at all

OP, he is not your responsibility.

You have tired your best to help and got nothing but grief in return, let some other family members deal with him and they will see how difficult and hard it is.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, now is the time to build yourself a happy life and family without him in it.

@PeartreeProductions thanks but unfortunately there are no other family members to deal with him... just me :(

[quote Anxiousgirl23]@PeartreeProductions thanks but unfortunately there are no other family members to deal with him... just me :([/quote]
That’s irrelevant. He’s not your problem.

He can access assists from social services if he needs it.

He’s despicable and abusive - he has been all your life.

Break free from him. I’m not saying it’s easy - I know it’s not. But it’s necessary.

@Anxiousgirl123, oh l'm sorry to hear that, you need to look into what outside help is available to you.
If social services could help perhaps?
Let them know his past history of his many hospitalisations regarding his alcoholism, you really should be entitled to some help.

This is a burden that you can't carry your own.

There must be someone if he’s turned family members against you! Regardless, if he was a friend or partner you’d dump him.
You owe him nothing.
Tell him you want nothing to do with hi and why. Protect your daughter.

Unanimous YANBU at present, OP. Walk away and do not even question yourself. He's had enough chances to deserve your help.

I never met my grandfather, who was by all accounts an unpleasant bully, although from what you describe, nothing like as awful as your father has been. My mother simply decided that she was not allowing that unpleasantness into my life, and told relatives who might consider sneaking a meeting that they would never see me again , despite cries of "Famileee!" I honestly never missed what I never had.
She was close to her two brothers, one of whom took over keeping an eye on The Old Bastard, as he was generally known, and at one family gathering casually announced to his siblings, "By the way, we're orphans now."
The news was greeted with indifference; he reaped what he sowed.
Perhaps the remaining family members who feel so critical of you might like to step up to the mark......I suspect they know the truth of the matter deep down, and are avoiding the issue.
Congratulations and best wishes on the forthcoming arrival of your daughter; she is your priority now!

Perhaps your next (and final) email to him - send him the contact numbers for Alcoholics Anonymous and his local Adult Social Services, and tell him you wish him well but don't want to have anything to do with him any more.

If you want, you can also contact Adult Social Services and tell them that you are no longer involved in any aspect of his care, and that you will not be available at any time in the future.

Or don't bother doing either and just get on with your life.

But he is not your responsibility. Cut him loose and never look back.

You have a new baby on the way, and she will be your responsibility. You owe it to her to be the best mum you can be. And that doesn't include looking after an abusive alcoholic.

I had a rocky, irreparable relationship with my DF for various reasons. He also wanted to pretend it was all happy families when DD was born to show his family that everything was okay. Our relationship is now non existent as my children are my priority as well as my mental health, and there are just some things I cannot ever forgive him for.
He's not your responsibility OP. Put yourself and child first.

I had cut mine out for twelve years after my second was born, he never met them.

Mum encouraged me to try to work on our relationship last year, after he finally admitted being an alcoholic and having issues. While he was trying to stop drinking, I was willing to make an effort. Managed to talk to him about a lot of the shit he put us through, really got a lot off of my chest.

But he detoxed and relapsed several times, and so I had to be firm and say that there would be no contact while he was drinking. I think you have no obligation to have him in your life while he is damaging yours or your own, emotionally or otherwise.

YANBU, I would wash my hands off him. Funny how your relatives have conveniently distanced themselves from you, they sound lovely (!)

Wishing you all the best for the birth of your baby girl.