to bring up with friend I'm worried about her weight and eating?

[Chantelli]

I am on girls holiday with friends from school. One dear friends weight is down to about 6.5 stone - we are all in our mid forties. She is complaining of always being cold and terrible headaches. She has been exercising every day and eating around 500 calories of food each day. She is absolutely skeletal and doesn't seem to notice, picking out oversize jumpers when shopping and worrying they won't fit. Should I gently say look are you OK? I'm worried she is dangerously underweight and putting strain on her organs. I genuinely want to help. Is there any advice on what I can do?

It's normally best to stay well away from the subject of someone else's weight.

Does she have any close family you might be able to mention it to? They will obviously have noticed if she's as skeletal as you say.

You need to tread very carefully OP, this woman has disordered eating no doubt about it, but if she has an eating disorder (which is very likely) she might shut you down and then out.

Do make her aware that you are there for
her, if she is stressed or feeling low/depressed. See if you can get her talking and opening up to you.

Do not mention her weight or portion sizes, she needs to accept that she needs help before she can be helped if that makes sense.

I feel for you OP because it’s bloody agony seeing your friends like this.

I had a friend who had ED and the only thing which helped her was... When she took it so far she ended up hospitalised... It's sad.

Maybe have a look here www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/supporting-someone/supporting-somebody

Mind might have resources too

I have a friend with an eating disorder and when she is looking particularly thin or gets obsessed with food or other things we gently mention it.
We are all aware of her issues though so I think it is different in your situation as it isn't out in the open.
I do think you need to mention it but would need to tread very carefully as the others have said.
Does she have a mum who may have more insight that you could go to first.
You can't just ignore it as she will be making herself very ill.

I think you should mention it before it gets too late. People can die of anorexia. Google says it has the highest mortality rate of all mental health disorders.

You need to tread very carefully here OP. It does sound like she might have anorexia, even down to selecting oversized jumpers etc.
In my experience with this, if she is not ready to face up to the issue/still in denial. She might get angry or refuse to discuss it.

I would gently ask her if everything is okay and you are there if she needs to talk. Not sure what else you can do unless you can persuade her to see a doctor (don't mention her weight) about her headache and being cold.
So sorry it must be a really tricky situation.

Perhaps contact and eating disorder charity. They might be able to offer the best advice

Ask her if she is okay. Let her know you are there for her if anything is going on. See what the response is and ask further questions if you feel is appropriate. Definitely don’t just let it go.maybe she is crying out for help and doesn’t know where to go or how to ask.

Hi @Chantelli - you must be so worried and concerned about your friend. If you choose to raise it, I would recommend saying it in a calm, straightforward manner. Do not stress how thin she is as unfortunately that may fuel it for her.

Something like:

"I am concerned about how little you are eating and I think you are very underweight. I have noticed you are talking about feeling unwell and cold, and think this might be because your body is lacking fuel. I just want you too know that I care about you and am here for you if you want to talk or seek help."

Be prepared that she might deny it to the hilt.

This page has some good suggestions about talking to her about your concerns and what to avoid:

www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/helping-someone-with-an-eating-disorder.htm

I wouldn’t mention her looking underweight or “skeletal” at all, unfortunately sometimes for anorexic people that can be fuel to the fire. I would consider gently mentioning that you notice she hasn’t been eating much, she’s cold all the time and getting headaches, and has she thought about seeing a doctor?

Does she have a partner?

She does... Maybe i will mention to him. I wonder if its a slow weight loss over time and he may have become used to it. It sort of feels like overkill to say something to him, I don't know

If you feel she is skeletal then surely it is not overkill. Agree BEAT has some great advice on how what to say and what not to say. I use it a couple of years ago to approach someone I work with - in all three of us spoke to her at different times. Eventually she decided to approach GP initially

She might be kidding you she doesn’t notice how tiny she is. Believe me she notices. She will know down to the ounce exactly how much she weighs.

Definitely not while you are on holiday. She is away from support systems.

It's so kind of you to be concerned and I feel you would be placed have a careful word with her but once you get back from the holiday.

As Riotlady says, don't make her underweight appearance or you noticing her weight itself the focus, make it more about the changes in her eating and symptoms such as being cold.