To think I’m a rubbish mum

[bluedonuts]

Constantly thinking I’m a rubbish mum. For five months my MIL would constantly criticise everything I do and tell me and others that I wasn’t a good parent and that I’m doing nothing and that my partner is the best dad. She’s out of my life now but over the past days I’m just feeling she’s right.

I couldn’t afford maternity leave as my partner is on minimum wage and is only working three days a week.

I am working constantly and feeling I’m not spending enough time with DS and that makes me sad.

I’m not sleeping properly because I’ve got inflammatory bowel disease and I’m flaring. I oversleep a lot while DP has DS because I’m just so fatigued and constantly on the toilet. I’m currently waiting for scopes & further investigations but who knows how long that will take.

I look after DS when DP is at work and then I work.

I’m really struggling with my mental health and sometimes I just feel like my baby hates me.

We were supposed to go out three times this week and we didn’t at all. The first time I slept most of the day, the second time I was in the hospital and again the third day I was sleeping.

My observations have been bad, I have low blood pressure, I’m tachycardic (pulse 115-120) and I’ve had a low grade fever. I’m going to the toilet hourly and when it’s been bad spending between 2-5 hours on the toilet. I’m experiencing abdominal pain and heavy rectal bleeding.

It’s the fatigue that’s getting to me. I am so tired all the time. And then I’m working whenever I’m able to. I just feel like my body is struggling and my doctor said it’s going to get to a point where my body just can’t cope if I’m not treated.

They are going to be doing the investigations as urgent but I just know it will get pushed back.

My DS lights up when he sees me, I do nursery rhymes with him and read him books, I bathe him, I take him on walks, I sing him to sleep every night, I’m constantly buying him new clothes/toys and things I think he’ll like. I’ve taken him away a couple of times and to the zoo and a farm. We watch movies together and do tummy time. I am taking good care of him. But I just feel like DP is being the mum and I’m failing.

I look at all the other mums on maternity and just feel shit. They’re always with their babies 24/7. I just wish I was able to do that.

Admittedly I am struggling with PND and postpartum OCD. I’m having treatment for them.

I don’t know. I just feel like I’m just sleeping and working. I feel so poorly and have no energy. Im on the toilet as we speak, I haven’t slept yet.

I just wish I was better. I wish I didn’t have all of this pressure. I wish I had more energy. I wish I didn’t feel so low.

OP that all sounds so stressful and very very painful. You clearly do what you can but I think your focus now needs to be your health. It's a positive thing that your partner is able to competently look after your child. Don't beat yourself up and don't compare yourself to others.

My goodness, OP! You need some help, honey. Can your partner work more so you aren't killing yourself working on top of the health issues? This sounds so tough.

@greyblueeyes I make a lot more money than him and we have high outgoings and I’m slowly getting myself out of debt. I fear if he worked more and I worked less we’d be even more stressed. I don’t know what to do :(

You are not a bad mum you are a very unwell working mum. The 2 are totally different. If you were a bad mum you wouldn’t be writing this post. You wrote it because you care so much and ds loves you. When your feeling a bit better you will have more energy to do more but right now that’s not an option. Your ds is lucky have have 2 parents who care for him regardless of who works more.

Of course you're not a bad mum you're sick. Try and imagine how you'd react if a friend came to you with this problem. No way would your conclusion be the at she's rubbish you'd feel empathetic to someone struggling with their health while also supporting their family. You're doing a great job.

As a thought, are you sure it’s IBS? My SIL kept being fobbed off as IBS but it’s actually bowel endometriosis, which can cause severe fatigue and heavy rectal bleeding. It takes a long time to diagnose often, due to misdiagnosis of IBS. Have your iron levels checked if you can, you can get it through blood loss. Bowel endo can contribute to,depression and is very painful. SIL had to ask for a gynaecologist appointment and suggest the diagnosis, as they kept sending her to a gastro team, who kept saying IBS, though it’s quite rare for IBS to cause such severe bleeding. (Commonly causes smaller amounts of bright red blood, not dark, no clots).

You’re not a bad mum AT ALL. You’re unwell. Those two are light years apart. If you can, push for medical help. Don’t blame yourself at all. Your MIL sounds not very nice and not at all supportive.

Get anaemia through blood loss*

You are not a bad mum in any way! You sound like an incredible mum tbh otherwise you wouldn’t be up at 4.14 worrying about your DS/work and your health. Your MIL sounds horrible, glad to hear she’s out of your life. Try pushing your medical team as much as you can as you sound so unwell. Give yourself a break also, you are doing amazing. xx

You are not a rubbish mum. You are very unwell, have a young baby and holding down a responsible job. You cannot help being ill. Just forget what your MIL said. From what you have said about what you do with your baby, you are doing very well in extremely difficult circumstances.

I hope you are soon get treatment for your bowel issue. That sounds really debilitating.

Hi @MagpieSong I don’t have IBS, I have inflammatory bowel disease (ulcerative colitis) I have had my large bowel removed as a result! So definitely not anything else.

Your baby lights up when he sees you. So he's bonded to you, he loves you. Your partner is spending more of the looking after baby time because that's the decision that works best for your family. It's a sensible decision and you are also spending lots of time with the baby. Sounds like a perfectly good set up to me in terms of giving the baby what he needs, although I can understand you might feel you'd like to give the baby more of your own time. But he is well looked after by the pair of you. You are not a bad mother! Sympathy, on the medical issues too, it sounds exhausting.

You sound like a lovely mum who's not very well at the moment. It sounds like your DS knows you are his mum and loves you very much. Your MIL sounds like a cow. There are many women who don't get long mat leaves, yes it's a shame you couldn't take longer but it doesn't make you a bad mum. Take care

You're an amazing mum, you're battling a physical health condition and mental health conditions all the while looking after your family.
You're such a strong person and should be so proud of yourself.

I am in awe of you OP. Holding your family together financially whilst really unwell, coming home bone shatteringly exhausted and still spending every moment you can with your baby.

Reading your post makes me think of my husband. His family had very little when he was growing up and his mum was the higher earner so back to work she went whilst his dad did more childcare and what work he could. It must have been painful for his mum in the same way it is for you. Fast forward though, and that arrangement has contributed to their son (my husband) being the most wonderful, gentle and caring man. He doesn’t see gender roles like many people do and helps with everything in our home and with our baby. I say this hoping you will see that your arrangement is also showing your little guy that both mummy and daddy love him enough to work and to look after him and that he can grow up without normative expectations on his shoulders about what his life should be. Whilst far from your choice, what a gift to give him!

@TradedAtlanta Your response made me tear up. Thank you so much. I needed that this morning.

You sound like a wonderful mum who’s dealing with a lot of illness!

How old is he? You talk about constantly buying him clothes and toys. You need to stop that if you’re in debt.

You're clearly not a rubbish mum - it must be incredibly hard to juggle work and serious illness and a young child. Dont judge yourself by what you see of other people. Lots of new mums struggle. I can guarantee that someone is reading about you taking your son out to the oark and the zoo, and is wishing they could get it together enough to do that.

I hope you get your hospital apointments through soon.

@PotteringAlong Probably not the time to criticise me when I’ve clearly written how shit I feel.

[quote bluedonuts]@TradedAtlanta Your response made me tear up. Thank you so much. I needed that this morning.[/quote]
Your original post had me tearing up too. I was up 4-6am obsessively worrying I’m not good enough for my baby too. It’s the curse of motherhood!

You're not well physically or emotionally. Can your partner increase his hours to ease the financial burden. Tell his mother to moan about that
No parent is perfect we all wing it, there are many moments throughout the day when I shout inside my head for the DC to leave me alone. It is a hard job and relentless.
Can you take sick leave or apply for a tax credit if he is working 3 days on minimum wage you'd be entitled to a decent amount.
Your health genuinely is your wealth.

You are a lovely mum, don't be so hard on yourself

Try not to take the vote too personally either, I wasn't sure which way to vote because of the wording (as in, YABU to think you are rubbish but YANBU to be struggling) and I don't think anyone will be condemning you!

Fucking hell, I'm a stay at home mum with a 1 year old and my daughter is 4 and just started school. I have my full health, no financial worries, support from all my family and partner... and I find being a mum really hard and wonder if I am enough.

So how the hell you are coping I really don't know. I think you deserve a medal.

I really hope your health improves and you get the treatment you need. I hope your partner can step up and do what he should of been doing all along.

Your DC is lucky to have you. Good luck