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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby'ing your children is so wrong?

26 replies

Anothermuther · 19/09/2020 19:59

My sis in law is a 35 year old woman and she is treated by her parents like a little girl.She stays at home,does minimal house work,has every single thing from clothes to night out paid for by her parents. Shes only ever had a part time job as doesnt see or have the need to work.She has no issues health wise and is a capable adult made incapable by her parents but encouraging her to be independent in her choices and accountable.
For example if she were to have an argument with a third party she would always involve her parents and have them fight her corner.If she needs to go anywhere she wouldn't fathom using public transport ,her parents would take her.
All this babying has made her a spoiled adult who crys and sulks if anyone doesbt agree with her.
I just don't ever see her moving out having a relationship and managing on her own in the real world.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 19/09/2020 20:01

35?! Genuine question, does she have sn of any sort?

Wherearefoxssocks · 19/09/2020 20:02

YANBU. They won't be around forever and she'll come down to earth with a bump unfortunately.

speakout · 19/09/2020 20:02

How does this imapct you?

People have the right to live their lives as they choose.
I wouldn't want to live my life this way, but it's none of my business how others live.

FelicityPike · 19/09/2020 20:03

You’re right, but really it’s none of your business.
Personally, I’d argue with her as much as I could to wind her up 😁

Ishihtzuknot · 19/09/2020 20:06

Yanbu they’re holding her back from living her life properly. She’ll struggle standing on her own two feet should the worst happen and her parents pass away, will she have other support? There isn’t much you can do as it’s their decision at the end of the day. have you spoken to her/them about it? Could there be sn they haven’t spoken of?
If I had an easy life having everything done/paid for me I’d probably love it personally and I’m nearly 35

duffeldaisy · 19/09/2020 20:08

Perhaps she has special needs that you're unaware of? She might not even be aware of them if she's 35, as things just weren't diagnosed until recently and people had to struggle along without support.

Even if not, as long as she and her parents are happy, presumably that's all that matters.

ChelseaDaggers · 19/09/2020 20:09

While it is extremely unusual and quite possibly very unhealthy, if it isn't impacting you, you need to learn to roll your eyes and move on, rather than passing judgement. I've learnt this over years with a very annoying sil. I have now learnt to detach completely. It's very freeing! I also don't have to see her much at all which helps.

CanofCant · 19/09/2020 20:11

It might impact OP if the SIL is her husband's sister and they are expected to pick up the slack when SIL's parents die.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2020 20:11

How bizarre but in the long term to your SILs detriment. It’s not normal- possibly bigger issues at play.

StillCounting123 · 19/09/2020 20:14

I know some people like this who are in their late 20s/30s. Frustrating looking at their lives as an outsider, but each to their own, I suppose.

ChelseaDaggers · 19/09/2020 20:18

@CanofCant

It might impact OP if the SIL is her husband's sister and they are expected to pick up the slack when SIL's parents die.

Yes, IF, but you can't preempt something like that. At the moment it isn't impacting on the op. It isn't her responsibility to parent her sil. So, for her own sanity, I'd say she can't get involved. Something must be seriously up for it to have gotten to this stage. That's a hornets' nest I would be giving an enormous wide berth!

FippertyGibbett · 19/09/2020 21:01

Are the in-laws by any chance leaving the whole house to her as it’s her home ?

HandfulofDust · 19/09/2020 21:03

Don't get involved whatever you do. Yes it's no a good situation for anyone involved but don't let it bother you.

keeprocking · 19/09/2020 21:37

She’ll struggle standing on her own two feet should the worst happen and her parents pass away, will she have other support?

She'll be expecting you and her brother to step in for her dopey parents, start rehearsing your excuses now.

Lookingbackatme · 19/09/2020 21:39

I agree they are absolutely not doing her any favours (assuming no SN). At this rate she is missing out on so much in life and probably won’t reach her full potential in many ways. Quite sad I think, but it’s really not any of your concern and it sounds like your opinion wouldn’t be welcome. I’d just make sure your DH didn’t agree to carry on supporting her financially or otherwise her when your PIL pass away (again, assuming no SN).

KarmaStar · 19/09/2020 21:52

What is the Aibu and point of this thread please op?I'm not sure what you want help with?thank you.

Arthersleep · 19/09/2020 22:14

Perhaps there are other issues that you are unaware of. She sounds more than just having been babied but unable to cope well with life. Besides which, as strange as it may seem, it's really not your battle. It's up to your in-laws how they treat their own daughter, whether you necessarily agree with it or not.

Spinakker · 19/09/2020 22:29

I agree that there are probably some special needs of the daughter you might not be aware of. Otherwise most people would naturally break away from their parents whether the parents babied them or not. Whatever the reason is it's obviously ok with everyone so it's not really your business. Maybe she will help the parents in their old age. Some people just like to be in a group. It's unconventional but it's their choice. If daughter wanted to break away she could if she doesn't have special needs. So either she's got SN or she's happy with the situation so it's not really your business.

Cocomarine · 19/09/2020 22:31

It seems far more likely that her parents are like this because she lacks independence, than she lacks independence because of their actions.

jaychops · 19/09/2020 23:08

Op I hear you, my SIL is exactly the same. Now getting over involved with my kids (probably because she's on the same wavelength 🙄). She needs to get her own life!

Felt good to offload that anonymously 😂

coldwarenigma · 19/09/2020 23:10

I know a 28 yr old like this, works 12 hrs a week, lives as a young teenager. When she had a boyfriend he was very similar, they seemed like a couple of very young teens rather than a mid 20s couple. I haven't fathomed out if she has any SEN or is just so used to not using her brain as she at times seems switched on other times very dim. I feel sorry for her, her parents are doing her no favours.

BabetteAteOtemeal · 19/09/2020 23:17

My own sister is like this. Lives with parents, pays no rent, they cook and clean for her. Doesn't even do her own laundry! And she's over 30 too. Never had a career so to speak. No SN at all.

She has no identity of her own. Every opinion is a copy of my parents. Its actually quite sad and it has definitely held her back in life.

She has no real grasp of being an independent adult, she can't make long lasting friendships or relationships. Its like she got to 16 and stopped maturing, even in what she wears and what she speaks about.

My parents definitely thought they were doing the best for her by keeping her close but they've just totally smothered here and she's ended up kind of screwed up by it all imo.

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/09/2020 23:40

It’s really unfair on her. She’s going to really crash when she wakes up one day to expectations.

SionnachGlic · 20/09/2020 08:23

I'd feel sorry for her (a bit) if she was late teens/early 20s & hadn't figured out how to break free & stand on her own two feet. But at 35...she is totally complicit & allowing her parents run her life or at least be overly involved. I think kids need to shove out of the nest (if the don't go of their own accord). Parents need to gradually give them tools for their independence as they move thro their teenage years & by college years or soon after they should be off doing their own thing, exploring the world & reaching their true potential. Too many snowflakes these days with no backbone or resilience because Mammy & Daddy sweat all the big stuff for them.

MomToTwoBabas · 20/09/2020 08:34

To be like that at 35 she must have some kind of special needs that maybe haven't been told to you or even diognosed.

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