To gift one sibling and not the other.

[jb2941]

Hi all, not my siblings but my partners siblings. He has 3!

It was his brothers birthday recently. We got him a card but not a gift. It's wasn't a special landmark birthday or anything. We don't normally do gifts. His brother is in his 20's and never bought a gift for us or our dc or anything so no gifts between us usually. Tbh I don't think we've ever had a card off his brother. Maybe it's a male thing being rubbish with cards and gifts 🤷‍♀️

It's my partners sisters birthday soon. A landmark birthday (30).

Aibu to get her a gift just because it's a 'special' birthday so soon after not buying his brother one?? Or would that be offensive for his brother?

We don't normally do gifts for any of them (partners choice) but it's her 30th birthday after all. Plus she's facing her 30th with tighter covid restrictions 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think it depends what, £300 necklace yabu, something small and tokenistic, fine. I'd get something with 30 on

Sounds fine to me. I have lots of siblings and I buy them presents if it's a big birthday or if I see something I know theyd love in the run up to their birthday. We're not the kind of family that expects gifts or takes offence at stuff like that though so it might not be the same in you partner's family. Why is it your decision? Surely your partner would know if their siblings are likely to get the hump about it?

Absolutely fine.

YWBU...All birthdays are celebratory. All you are doing is shit stirring

I think for a special birthday it’s fine. I used to buy for my cousin’s children every year, but once they hit 18 I bought for their 18th and 21st only.

Absolutely fine to do this. I assume when his brother gets to 30 you’ll do the same.

@Leaannb

YWBU...All birthdays are celebratory. All you are doing is shit stirring

Not shit stirring at all. On a very limited budget tbh!

I never thought to get his brother a present as we don't normally and I've only just remembered the 30th is soon 😬😬 can't help think I have to get something for a 30th?!

Different families do birthdays and presents in different ways. If in the family you grew up in, presents between siblings (at least for big birthdays) were normal, there is no reason to reduce down to the lowest common denominator and not get your sister a present now just because you happened to marry into a family where siblings don't bother with each other's birthdays.

All my brother and I do on birthdays is give each other a call to wish each other happy birthday. We are fine with that. But that is no reason at all why my sister in law shouldn't give her sister a present on her birthday.

You could send flowers instead of a card (and write happy 30th in the gift card that is sent with them).

Hi OP

I think it's fine.

But why don't you check with your partner, surely he knows his family dynamics best and whether this would piss the others off or not?

Any doubt you could just give it to her away from the other siblings anyway

I think it depends.
If you already have a strained relationship with his brother, then it may be seen as a slight.
You say he's in his 20s, were you around for his 21st?if so did you get anything?
It would be odd to get for 30th and not 21st.

Will you remember and get him something on his 30th?
Has your dh hit 30, and did they get him anything?

I don't see 30th as a special birthday especially, but if I was going to do that I'd hand over something little like flowers or chocolates saying "I don't normally do presents, but I thought seeing as it's your 30th"
That was it's clear it's a one off, and she's not left wondering if you've suddenly decided to do presents each year, and if she has to start buying etc.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Why is 30 a "landmark" birthday? Did you buy a gift for his brother's 18th or 21st? They're what I'd consider landmark occasions.

Someone has already suggested it - I’d also go for flowers. Nice little extra but not OTT.

I think it really depends on the relationship. I have three siblings and I always treat my sister but nether my brothers. I care for them all equally it is just that my brothers wouldn't really appreciate a present whereas she would. At the end of the day it is your money and up to you, but buying something for a landmark birthday and not a 'standard' birthday should be well received

buy a gift for whoever you want for whatever reason... your an adult and dont OWE these people anything, its not like picking favorites with your children or grandchildren

if you are just closer to the sister or see her more or have a different giving and recieving relationship then its fine, it doesnt need justifying and I highly doubt a grown ass man cares

everyone seems to miss the fact that this guy isnt giving other people gifts and cards, hes obviously not bothered by that kind of thing so I doubt he will even notice

same way I always buy gifts for my brother who is in his early 20s but he never gets me gifts (he does buy his girlfriend gifts but I dont think it crosses his mind to buy stuff for girls hes not trying to impress) but he cares in his own non-gift-y way like helping me out with DIY etc...

and if the brother does expect/demand gifts (which I dont think he would) from the OP without ever putting in equal effort he can sit and swizzle for being an entitled brat lol

You're overthinking things. Get her a bottle of wine. I doubt the brother will care.

I wouldn’t start on the slippery slope of getting involved in partner’s siblings birthday presents.

As my family has gotten bigger and siblings and cousins have had children, I now do birthday presents for the kids but adults just get a card, except for special birthdays (30th etc).

Presents for all at Christmas though.

Don't start giving presents if money is tight.

Most adult men dont enjoy or want birthday presents. Most adult women do.