AIBU to worry about autism and my job possibilities?

[espressodepresso]

Long-time poster on a new account.

For a bit of background - I'm in the process of getting an online degree in Psychology (I have a lower-level qualification in Social Sciences too).

However, I can't stop this feeling that there is no niche for me to fit into with my autism in a workplace environment - I have some volunteering experience, but my anxiety and autism majorly hold me back from being able to apply for lots of jobs. I can't cope with dealing with people on a day-to-day basis (which makes even interviews hard) and I have a really strong negative reaction to demands or even perceived judgement.

I'm considering taking a few years off to try and figure out what I want to do (as well as hopefully start a family with DH) but I feel such panic that I can't keep up with most jobs socially in a way that neurotypicals can, and I don't have the hyper-specific interest that lots of people with autism do. I'm considering being a SAHM for a few years, hopefully to get my mental health sorted a little but also I feel it's important for my family dynamic.

On top of that, the last conversation I had with my mum, she told me I didn't have an excuse not to be working because "even people with no legs get on public transport to get to their jobs". Feel like a bit of a failure overall, not sure what to do.

So AIBU to worry about my autism in the workplace / feel like I wasn't cut out for school at all and so might not be cut out for work?

There was a pocast about women with autism the other day - seriously from bbc.

I (and several other people) think I am on the spectrum. It might be better for you to think about what sort of environment and job type is better for you. In a previous job we had to always answer the phone whenever it rang which stressed the fuck out of me. Now im allowed to turn on the answerphone so Im not constantly interrupted. Makes a HUGE difference. As does being in a office with one other person as opposed to an open office.

Here is how you can sell yourself:
www.linkedin.com/pulse/autistic-power-job-marcelle-ciampi/

When you get to the stage of interviewing, you could look for some specific coaching with that - I did that once. I'm not autistic, but I had some concerns about how I was coming over at interview. I used a life/career coach person. It was very helpful and reassuring. I have heard people say at the moment Zoom interviews are good for this as you can stick notes up on the wall behind the camera.

Anyway, I think you're worrying about the wrong thing. If you can find something you really want to do, the interview is then just a hurdle to get over. You say you don't have contacts but you'll be surprised who you know - and all of them are potential contacts. Share that you are thinking about work.

However, my top tip would be do not discuss work with your mother!

I have ASD. I have always held a full time job. I work in STEM. I'm not being a knob about it, but I just get on with it. I also don't have, and will never have, any children; I suppose it's made my life easier by not dealing with maternity etc. There is a level of stress to existing that NTs don't necessarily have. The trick is to find something that you're interested in and make sure you keep some savings for when you need to walk out of a job. The world is not set up for us so we have to learn to play by the normal people rules

@Phineyj I'm actually not in contact with my mother anymore, so thankfully no fear of that! (Not for this reason specifically, though her perception of my autism I suppose did play a part). I just can't shake the feeling that jobs are these long, permanent slogs that you have to stick in to demonstrate your reliability or commitment. It's not accurate, nor is it reasonable but I guess it does make me feel like if I get into the wrong job I can't escape!

I think once I get my foot in the door a few times, or find some kind of niche that I can do and enjoy, the interviewing part will come easier. My lectures are all online now due to the pandemic, which is a bit challenging in some ways but I guess it has the benefit of meaning I can meet my tutors / classmates without it feeling as personal and intense as in real life!

For contacts, I only have my husband as of right now, and he is in a field that I would majorly struggle in! Thank you for your advice though, I really appreciate your insight and I'm sure you're right about the interviewing process. x

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale Thank you for linking this! I'm excited to give it a full read - I definitely already relate to the integrity and concentration portions of the article, so I'm interested to read about the strengths of neurodiversity! x

it's just the feeling of being interviewed and reviewed and processed that makes me so uncomfortable. I definitely associate it too heavily with worth and rejection.

I think this is a very normal reaction by everyone who is entering a recruitment process. It certainly resonates with me. It’s an emotionally taxing process which I have never ever relished and I’m NT.

@Mellonsprite Yeah it's definitely not solely a neurodivergent thing, I think it is just a symptom that is irritated and exacerbated by my autism. I also possibly don't have a good frame of reference for "reasonable" amounts of stress anxiety- i.e. having jelly legs on your first day of work, v.s. a major panic attack. I have a very confident and independent DH, but I also had hyper anxious parents so my perception on the healthy middle ground is probably quite warped.

If you know any tips to reduce the equation of your marketability to your worth, that would be great x

OP, in the nicest possible way, for many people, NT or not, jobs are a ‘long permanent slog’, but we don’t have the luxury of opting out unless food, clothes and shelter suddenly become free. Unless you have a source of income which allows you not to work, or have disability benefits because you are deemed unable to work, or are happy to be financially dependent on someone else for your whole life, aren’t you just going to have to figure out a way of dealing with the workplace, like the many autistic people I know who work?

Have you had jobs in the past? How have you lived if not?

I have a diagnosis of autism and I've never been able to work in a full time job, despite having several degrees. Like you OP I have MH issues which have prevented me from coping in a workplace environment, which is very common amongst autistic adults. Some autistic people can work, but not everyone can (research shows that the majority of them can't, though you'll always get anecdotes about the ones who do).

I haven't opted out of having a job, but the way workplaces and recruitment works has meant that it's been impossible for me to access employment. I'm a sahm right now, but I also claim disability benefits and have some investments, so I'm not completely financially dependent on my DH (although we regard our finances as shared anyway, and we are very comfortable). The lifestyle suits me and as an introvert, I wouldn't gain as much from being in work as many NTs would (the social aspect, satisfaction of being part of society). I am satisfied with meeting the needs of my family, and focusing on my own interests.

@Carrigfada I get PIP for my disability, as well as a bursary scheme for my education due to a low-ish income. As of right now, I am financially dependent on DH's career so I can try and get a university degree and build up to facilitating a career without tearing my hair out (I know this is an unpopular dynamic on MN, and I'm trying to get myself to a place of good mental health and stability so I can source some of my own income, as evidenced by this thread).

I understand I am in a much more privileged place than others, which I am very grateful for. I am very grateful that my DH has a stable job that brings enough money for us to rent until we can hopefully buy down the line, and that I am not forced to get a job and not be able to cope. I understand my privilege, and I definitely agree that people do work that they hate which I think is shit for everyone involved - however, I'm aware that I quite often don't have the mental capacity to do work I hate. As in, I can't grin and bear it, I often don't have the tools and capacity to mask enough to get by - it's a fundamental trait of my specific condition. I can be simultaneously very grateful for my position as an autistic person, while also wishing I wasn't an autistic person. I hope this clears things up. x

@linnyduval Thank you for sharing your experience! Do you think you'll ever return to paid employment / would you want to? If I'm honest, I'm a bit of a homebody and a lot of my energy is channelled into the people I surround myself with so being a SAHM (at least for a little while) is an important part of my family dynamic / having kids.

However, I'd like to get my MH and disability to a point where if I ever need or want a job I can get one - e.g. not being restricted through fear. It's a tough nut to crack though, especially given how many autistic people are unemployed (just trying to push through without putting too many expectations on myself).

Thank you for posting though! Good luck with being a SAHM

No, I don't have plans to seek employment. It's been too long since I had a job, and I would find the restrictions on my time/expectations too frustrating after being able to manage my own time and interests. I've had big age gaps between dc so raising my youngest will bring me up to early retirement age anyway.

@linnyduval If you're happy that's what counts. I feel very fortunate to have a DH who can financially support me, I'm just trying to get a bit of a taster of all of the options before seeing if I can facilitate having a full time career / being a SAHM or something in between etc. Your lifestyle does seem quite appealing though tbh :) x

It’s not that it’s an ‘unpopular dynamic’, OP, more that if you can’t earn and your PIP doesn’t cover your living costs, it makes you very vulnerable, and entirely financially dependent on your marriage continuing.

I remember your last thread, and like other people, I felt that your attitude to, and expectations of, parenting were dangerously rose-tinted. You seem to be equating being a SAHM to ‘taking a few years out to sort out your MH’, when it’s as likely to tax your MH severely as any workplace. You say you have a ‘strong negative reaction to demands’ — children are bundles of bottomless demand. And parenthood involves a lot of negative judgements from others. I’d think very seriously about your ideas about parenthood.

@Carrigfada I'm making an active effort to try and get sorted out, so I can pursue a career. I am actively trying to hear what other people have done (particularly those who have autism or conditions that affect them similarly) in order to try and get some perspective within my own life. I agree my original post on this thread may have been pretty negative, because it is very difficult to gear myself up for a career, but I'm still trying to learn and combat the anxiety and social difficulty I experience.

I'm not sure what your expectations of me are though - you think both my thoughts in the pursuit of being a stay at home mother and getting a career are naive. For the record, I was asking for information on both and not making a definitive choice - I think it would be naive to jump into either headfirst without a bit of forethought and listening to people's experiences. I've not asked for opinions on my reproductive capacity on this thread - I'll admit I maybe needed a bit of a whinge in my original post, but was keen to hear people who were in a similar situation and how they managed to get out of it.

Thank you for your concern, I understand it is financially risky to be reliant on another person. I am trying to listen to people's experiences in order to gear myself up for getting a job, and then decide what my best option is longer term.

What I’m saying is that you are regarding a job as a lifestyle option, rather than the economic necessity it is for the vast majority of people, including those who are non-NT or have disabilities that make them struggle to get or keep employment. Covid has ended my husband’s entire industry for the foreseeable future, so that if I didn’t have a job, my son and I would be in dire straits in a recession. That’s the other thing about being a parent — your child needs to be fed, clothed and sheltered regardless of how you cope in the workplace. It’s simply not safe —certainly not now — to assume the other parent will always be there or able to fulfill that role.

Best wishes for the future, @espressodepresso.

@Carrigfada I can understand your perspective and so I apologise if it's insensitive to be talking about career-related prospects during a time of a recession - I guess this is partially another reason that makes me so worried about my career prospects, but it may have been insensitive to mention it.

My DH is in a career that (unless we enter a true post-apocalyptic dystopia) will always exist, providing he doesn't want a career change or get fired. I won't keep trying to justify my lifestyle choices - I try to make the best choices I can but I can understand if I phrase them poorly or if they're not the choices other people would make. All I'm trying to achieve out of this thread is some comfort or advice, in relation to autism in the work place -- some of the ideas on here have been really good and may even help me in the future, if not someone else who happens to read this thread down the line looking for insight if they're in a similar situation.

I'm sorry for your husband, and I hope his chosen industry reopens as quickly as possible when it is safe to. Best wishes to you also.

If you are completing a second course of study then I would say you ARE handling demands (deadlines, assignments, feedback). Perhaps it would be worth considering whether the things you think you can't do, are actually still true? Maybe you have grown more than you think and are under-estimating yourself. At the same time, perhaps keep a list of the strategies you're using to help you at the moment, and which are most helpful. You can build on this as you try out new ones.

I am not for one second saying you should aim at a job that has a high level of something you would find really tough to handle. I'm just suggesting there may be wider options than you think. What do you enjoy about your studies? Is it the research, or the learning new things and applying them, or the getting into great depth and focus about one specific thing, etc etc? I'd start with identifying the skills and activities that you thrive in, and then look for careers using those.

If you know any tips to reduce the equation of your marketability to your worth, that would be great grin x

It’s hard, and I am an over thinker who dwells on things, but somehow try to frame it to yourself as constructive feedback that you will take account of next time and change. Rejection is hard, no two ways about it!!
I find it’s good to have a practice run at an interview, maybe apply for a job you’re not too bothered about shortly before one you do want, that way if you get an interview use the one you’re not too bothered about you can use it as a ‘practice’ and learn from those mistakes.
There’s no magic bullet and it’s with a certain amount of practice you can grow a thicker skin in work related matters and shrug things off more easily, but not always if you see what I mean?

I'm so glad to see you've had so much good advice on this thread already. I wanted to add to the comments about starting your own business. I know someone who did just this - he has a severely autistic child and developed learning resources to help with communication and managing transitions, daily structure and self regulation. He set up the business to share these with others, personalise them for individual needs and develop new resources that would benefit others. He intends to only employ people with disabilities.

While this isn't your niche, it's an example of what can be achieved. I know of similar situations where recruitment agencies have been set up just to place disabled people in to work because the founder had their own difficulties and wanted to help others overcome theirs.

There is so much that you can do and are capable of, the most important thing is finding something that sparks your passion. From there, you know you will at least be happy in what you choose to do. Best of luck

My DH is in a career that (unless we enter a true post-apocalyptic dystopia) will always exist, providing he doesn't want a career change or get fired

Or become disabled (freak accident, life-threatening illness). Or die.

People are just pointing out the lack of a safety net in some of your ideas.

A lot of people living with disabilities work part time to make it manageable.

Thank you to everyone who has offered advice, I appreciate it! I still have my fears but I'm looking into my options as we speak.

@user186428036428936 If my husband dies or becomes disabled, I or we will be compensated.