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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a horrible DW or is DH a wanker updated

25 replies

Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 16:48

So going on from this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4027455-Aibu-or-am-I-a-horrible-DW?pg=10

We've just been to his mum's, and he spoke to her like shit about her "getting in the way" when we was trying to get out into the garden to stop DD2 running off . He spoke to her the same way he speaks to me.... It was cringey. MIL is the nicest woman in the world.

She only got up / got in his way to help.

This was fairly trivial

However, when he went outside with DD2, MIL said to me " sometimes I really want to tell.him.to fuck off" - this was a major shock for me as this is not the kind of thing MIL would normally say. She's a placid lovely woman.

She then said "does he speak to you like that at home"

I was so shocked someone (especially his own mum ) has seen this behaviour that I kind of choked up and I just said "yes believe me he does!"

She then said, "what do you say to him"
I said "I tell him.to fuck off" (which is not exactly 100% true but more to go along the lines of what SHE wanted to do)

She then said " does he not realise he can't speak.to people like that".... Then DD1 came in... So our convo ended

This has hit home.so much

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 19/09/2020 16:55

Why didn't you just update the other thread?

Original poster

Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 16:56

@Crunchymum

Why didn't you just update the other thread?

Shall I? It felt like a different issue... I'll do that tho

OP posts:

Thedogscollar · 19/09/2020 17:00

I'd tell him the convo you had with his Mum. He sounds like a bullying arsehole. Why do people think they can treat those they are supposed to love like shit???

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/09/2020 17:25

Why do people think they can treat those they are supposed to love like shit???

I have often wondered the same thing. Their usually treat work colleagues like royalty.

Crunchymum · 19/09/2020 17:28

I didn't read the original thread but I'd now have to go over that, to get a gist of your new thread? If you update the original you'll receive the advice / response from people who have the background info?

Nottherealslimshady · 19/09/2020 17:33

He sounds like such a nasty arsehole. You both deserve better. He needs people to start telling him to shut the fuck up.

CanofCant · 19/09/2020 17:39

Don't tell him about the conversation you had with his mum.

He doesn't sound like a reasonable person. He won't take to that very well, he is trying to cut you off from your mum and your friend after they have spoken to him in ways he doesn't like. If he found out you had been discussing his behaviour negatively with his own mother, he would isolate you from that relationship too, perhaps trying to turn her against you, making you out to be the unreasonable one. I would keep your cards close to your chest for now as you try to work through the anxiety inducing mental hold he has put over you.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 19/09/2020 17:44

People like him treat those they are supposed to love like that because they know they can get away with it, whereas at work, they'd be in trouble.

I assume this isn't a new development, so you and his mum have both accepted beem spoken like that for years. You haven't left him. His mum didn't bollock him as a teen/throw him out and not let him visit without an apology as an adult.

He believes its OK to speak to you like that because it is ok to speak to you like that.

Nothing bad happens.

oakleaffy · 19/09/2020 17:47

A man who treats his mum in a disrespectful way is likely to treat his female partner in the same way.
Horrible way to treat people.

oakleaffy · 19/09/2020 17:50

Ideally his mum should have told him to wind his neck in at the first sign of disrespectful behaviour on his part..
Anyone with a pushy child needs to take heed- bad behaviour tends to escalate, unless challenged.
Not easy but worth it!

GetThatHelmetOn · 19/09/2020 18:21

Don’t tell him about the conversation, he won’t change and it will get the two of you in trouble.

Not that you don’t need to trouble yourself with this behaviour but let sleeping dogs alone while you plan what to do.

OhTheRoses · 19/09/2020 18:23

It irks me to say it op, but I blame the mother. DS can be terse and irritated. It is met with wdytyast. Followed by "if you want something ask nicely"

SuzieCarmichael · 19/09/2020 18:23

DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT THE CONVERSATION! He will use it against her and she will never trust you again.

Chottie · 19/09/2020 18:34

@SuzieCarmichael

DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT THE CONVERSATION! He will use it against her and she will never trust you again.

This times 1000 times......

MiriamMargo · 19/09/2020 18:36

Sorry, but your husband sounds a proper arrogant wanker. Tell him fuck off next time he speaks to you like shit, and the next time he speaks to his mother like that, challenge him, and show him what an arsehole he is. I always wonder how people like him have a partner, what is it you actually see in him, cos it cannot be his personality !

Branleuse · 19/09/2020 18:56

the other thread seems to have gone? But I wonder if it might be worth you arranging to meet your MIL for a coffee to ask for her advice

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 18:59

The way a man treats his mother is the way he treats his wife.

Dozer · 19/09/2020 19:06

Yes, don’t tell him.

IMO his mother is giving you clear messages of sadness, anger and perhaps regret. That she thinks the way he treats her, and you, is not OK.

You can’t get support from her with your situation as she is involved/biased etc. But you can heed her message when taking decisions about your life.

He sounds horrible.

BloggersBlog · 19/09/2020 19:16

why do these threads use the term 'Darling' husband/wife? It just makes a mockery of those partners that are lovely

Regularsizedrudy · 19/09/2020 19:17

What is stopping you leaving?

Keratinsmooth · 19/09/2020 20:08

He won’t change, you can change your situation x

AGoatAteIt · 19/09/2020 20:17

Don’t tell him what his mother said- there’s no need for that and it will make the situation worse for you and your MIL.

Do think about what she said though and ask yourself why you’re with someone who is a controlling bully. I’ve just flicked through your previous thread. Ordering you around, trying to separate you from your friend over basically nothing, talking to you like shit, and his own mother too... all of this is unacceptable. Or it should be. Think about the behaviour that is being modelled to your daughters.

1Morewineplease · 19/09/2020 20:25

His mum clearly knows what he's like.
You clearly know what he's like.

The question is... do you want to carry on living with a man who is controlling, judgemental and unpleasant?

I've read your previous thread and alarm bells were ringing.

You really need to think about your future happiness and well being as well as that of your children's.

All good wishes to you .

keeprocking · 19/09/2020 20:35

MIL said to me " sometimes I really want to tell.him.to fuck off" - this was a major shock for me as this is not the kind of thing MIL would normally say.

Pity she didn't say it years ago!

gumball37 · 19/09/2020 23:44

@Thedogscollar

I'd tell him the convo you had with his Mum. He sounds like a bullying arsehole. Why do people think they can treat those they are supposed to love like shit???

Because the people who love THEM are their safe place. They think they can act however they choose and because these people love them they'll just put up with it. Whereas if they did it to people who didn't love them there would be consequences. It's messed up.... But it happens. Kids and teens obviously act this way... But they tend to grow out of it.... Not all people do it seems.

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