MIL...

[Dogsarebetterthanpeople]

I fucking despise her.
I’m not going to go too much into it because her bad behaviour is so shocking it would probably be quite outing to talk about it but dear god, I cannot bear the toxic - -bitch- - witch

Does anyone have any tips for de stressing and forgetting about it because right now I’m visualising smacking the shit out of the cow at least 4 times a day...

She’ll go absolutely batshit

Yeah so what? Let her. Block her and let her implode with rage.

There is no reason for you to have any contact with this woman. Plus, if she is as toxic as you say she is, you should not be allowing any DC you have to have any contact with her either.

@LuckyAmy1986 I'm very envious I am on the cusp of going NC and hoping dh will follow she is the most selfish person I've ever met and constantly plays the victim
Very difficult when there are grandchildren involved

@LuckyAmy1986 out of interest do you both see your parents?

@mrssunshinexxx Mother not alive but we both see my dad and stepmum and get on fine with them. As for the children, in our view we didn't want them around someone so toxic and who no doubt badmouthed me when I wasn't there to them! Not the kind of thing I want my DC growing up around. I am sad they are missing out on another grandparent but overall they are better off without.

We went NC - best decision we ever made.

@LuckyAmy1986 sorry to hear that I lost my mum 5months ago I'm heartbroken and in laws have been absolute dicks because I haven't grieved in a way that's convenient to them. My husband is too blind to see it at the moment sadly but I'm hoping it's a matter of time

@LuckyAmy1986 agree re them bad mouthing in front of your children a definite no no. Mil openly slags off my parenting e.g doesn't agree with not letting baby cry she thinks I should leave her to cry then wonders why I'll never let her babysit

Oh Jesus can I pull up a chair?

Yep I’ve been there. The ONLY thing that works is going NC. Bliss.

Or separating because the damage was all ready done. One of the biggest perks of me separating from my ex is that I never have to deal with his horrible family

You don't come across as aggressive to me, OP, you come across as furious!

DH and I have an understanding that I support him having a relationship with his father, but I no longer will. The girls no longer have a relationship with him, because of statements made to one of our daughters, and their choice as a result to no longer have anything to do with him. Poor DH is the only one that will talk with the poor, silly man, from his family.

Long winded way of saying - perhaps DH can make a choice to have a relationship with his mother independent of expecting you to have one with her. And with the children, it's very much dependent on what's in the children's best interests. Listening to someone berating or badmouthing either parent is not in their best interests, so contact should be limited, monitored, or potentially ended.

Not spoken to my MIL and her buffoon of a (2nd) husband for over 7 years now. Was fed up with being treated differently to his family , she went along with it because she's a doormat.

DP still visits

Worrall that's awful advice.

Have you actually done that? Said that to very close family members?

Op that would be very inflammatory. Unfortunately people like this won't learn from the it mistakes. You can't change them so it's probably better to say exactly what you were going to say... And fade out.

Op, I've not seen my Mil for several years now. Unfortunately they still lurk and are there in the background, but visits have stopped and of course covid, has been wonderful for us.

The damage, that was done to me during the awful years of trying to get along, and be respectful got me absolutely nowhere.

Years of biting my tongue etc, and they still didn't like me, I tried to include them soo much and like a lamb to the slaughter they ruined so many precious, special family moments.

I really wish I had the confidence years ago to tell them where to go but my situation has been complicated by few family members alive.

Op once you do say, enough is enough you've crossed the line once too often, it becomes easier...
It's broken my heart but as well as my poor long suffering dh, and the dc it's also me whose missed out on lovely in laws.

I'm quite tolerant and flexible... Many things people moan abut their mills wouldn't worry me but mine is just so Vile.

I don't understand why you see her so often, if her behaviour is even 1/4 as bad as you say it is.

My MiL has never done anything bad or toxic or shocking, but I don't meet with her regularly because we are just different people. We get along well enough and we see each other at 'family occasions' but there aren't 3 of them a month. Blimey, I have friends, and people I really like and really have a laugh with that I don't see that often.

Op... currently 3 quarters of your weeks are spent visiting her.
Why do you have to see her 3 weeks out of 4? Is that at her urging or your DP's.
You know what kind of behaviour to expect.
Accept that is what she is like, she's unlikely to change when she has such a convenient target, so stop trying to please her as its clearly not working.
Yes there will probably be a push back, but that's better than living like this.
Also, you want your DC to see its OK for people to treat you like crap.?

@mrssunshinexxx sorry about your mum xx

You sound at the end of your tether. Thing is, what you really need your husband on board, even if it's just him agreeing that you and the DC don't need to be around her and he can see them on his own if he chooses. Mine wasn't straight away, he couldn't see it. It took a good few years. I hope yours gets to the point mine did because I don't know what would have happened otherwise, probably divorce. Let him know how much this is impacting you.

Thanking God that mine lives abroad

I have totally cut mine out if my life. She treated me terribly and made it very clear she couldn’t care less about me or the rest of my family. I don’t need people like that in my life so I have no intention of ever seeing mine ever again. I still get irrationally angry about her but it is going away over time. My DH takes the kids over every few weeks for a free hours and that’s it. I highly recommend it.

@LuckyAmy1986 thanks x
She's only shown her true colours since I've lost my mum as consequently it's changed me forever. Our baby is only small and EBF so at the moment I have to endure a visit for an hour every few weeks. I dream of moving away and going NC
I hope that he sees soon as like you say the impact could ruin us

@LuckyAmy1986 it's difficult as I can't imagine him putting me in this position between him and my mum but the difference is my mum wasn't a twat

Just my bit of advice/opinion - You don't need to make it a 'it's her or me' thing. I vowed in my head never to say that, and I didn't. You just need to make clear that it's affecting you more than he realises and that for you, you need to separate yourself from it all, and your baby if you want to as well. Don't force him to do anything, let him choose if wants to continue his relationship with her. If you don't then that could cause problems for you down the line. Honestly I wish I had done it sooner. She caused me real problems mentally. I know all this is easier said than done by the way! It's a really tough situation.

@LuckyAmy1986 thank you for the wise words I don't plan on telling him to choose I want him to work it out for himself as you say. It's tricky with the baby she's half his I know he wants his mum and dad to see her but I don't she is definitely affecting my mental health but daren't try and explain to him just how much as I know there will just be rows lie there was when I first lost my mum and his mum wouldn't just back off ! I haven't got the energy for rows whilst living with this grief and a new baby x

I feel ya! Very low contact or even NC it seems to be the only thing that works. I tried all options

Well whatever it is she does, it sounds horrendous.

While your DH is in a non-speaking-to-her phase this would be a good time to discuss how to break the roller coaster pattern of outrage /apology / start all over again.

Can you suggest to him ways that you both go low contact, step back or sweetie trouble when it starts, remains calmly resolute and just grey rock her? For example?

Get ready with phrases “no that doesn’t suit us thank you..., no and that’s the end of that conversation... OK we need to go now / end the conversation, goodbye / that isn’t a good idea and we won’t be having anything to do with it “

Walk away calmly at the first hint of trouble. Don’t ever tell her your plans or your business,

I've gone NC with my in-laws and it's fab. I gave them seen them since June 2019, it feels really liberating

Just go NC. Stop seeing her. Your DH can go by himself if he wants to. Do not offer an explanation; you can't argue with stupid. It's been 5 years since I've seen my ILs (still see SIL and BIL).

DH is LC, but the last time he took our 2 DDs (last month) my MIL had a go at DD2's manners and made a 'rude just like your mother' comment to her when she didn't reply to questions - DD2 is 9 and has a high level of anxiety around communication at the moment lost confidence at school when a teacher couldn't understand her with 4 upper front teeth missing and told her she needed to speak clearly or not at all. We've been fixing this for over a year but she won't talk unless 100% comfortable. Her teacher last year only heard her speak after weeks and then to answer the register

DD2 was more upset about the comment about me. I'm obviously fuming about MIL having a go at her, and particularly doing it when DH wasn't in the room - their old trick when bitching at me, so they can deny it and call me a liar. DH is a combination of furious and upset, and had said that the DDs pick if they want to go back now or go NC. His parents are unaware of this turn of events at the moment.