Appropriate Social Media exchanges with an almost random, single young women ?

[ManxiousCat]

I have name changed so as not to out myself but I have been troubled by something that has been going on for a while. If I am being a paranoid, suspicious and intolerable I will accept it.... I am just not sure and doubting myself. I will try not to drip feed but there is a lot of background info.

I am a middle aged, overweight, past my prime grandmother in a relationship for the past 15 odd years with a slightly younger, attractive ( I think) charismatic man. I love him very much but he has some commitment issues.

We met online, got together with a lot of personal upheaval for both of us. We don't officially live together, I have my own place, paid for, he rents as it is easier to run his business from there.

He is not massively social in the real world, perfers online interactions if he doesn't have to physically talk to someone. He has befriended a gorgeous young women, about 20 years younger than he is ( he does know her ex partner, I don't know either of them personally) and I began to notice a lot of social media interactions between them.

He will say he is not really into SM other than for his business and his online behaviour is limited to that, posting memes and such...except for this young woman, and one before that...there seems to be a pattern. Lots of like of her lovely face profile pics, all the girly filtered stuff etc...pretty much every photo she puts up he seems to be there validating it. I noticed about a year ago but parked it but I began to notice it again and then did a bit more digging and noticed it was accross several sm platforms. This seems totally out of character as I am pretty much invisible to him on SM say the odd reaction here and there.

I know that SM behaviour and public displays of love are not the basis for a healthy relationship but i am very tuned into his behaviours and recognise when he is 'twitchy' about something...so I challenged him.

He denied ever having met her, said she turned to him when her relationship with his mate broke up but he acted as mediator between the 2. I asked why he was all over her sm profiles, reacting to the more suggestive memes etc... he denied there was any sort of online engagement with her and that he has never even spoken to her. I didn't really believe him but let it drift for a few days..

Since then he has dropped into convos that they regularly message each other funny jokes and that sort of stuff and she turned to him for advice when a financial legal problem occured - not his bag at all, much more my area of expertise.

So, initially he denied having any interactions at all, not even a chat, to agreeing he was overly engaged in her SM profiles, and they were in fact messaging a lot. I have pushed him on it and he says he just feels sorry for her as she has had a few crap things happen to her.

I just have a really uncomfortable feeling about this, his behaviours online where she is concerned are not indicative of how he behaves with anyone else, including me, it is like looking at a different person.

I will add this is the second time this has happened but the other women was actually meeting up with him, albeit with very plausible explanations which I wont divulge as it is too outing

Am i totally over reacting or should I be concerned ?

I think you have answered your own question really. He blatantly lied to you about his interaction with this younger woman.
If I were you I would not be hanging around as his backup woman. I'd be telling him to go to hell. You are worth more than this creep.

He is very good at justifying the issues I raise, so I end up apologising for doubting him. My self esteem is in bits quite frankly.
I have little tangible evidence of anything definite , just lots of circumstantial stuff that just looks questionable at best

If you're not happy do you need evidence? Doesn't sound like he gives you much apart from a self esteem complex.

@BananaLlamaConCalma yes I get that... in most other areas of our life all is good, we get on great. No relationship is perfect and to be honest I'm scared of being alone at my age. Pathetic I know .. most of our social life is built around his interests and to lose that would mean me pretty much being alone. I sound desperate and pathetic :-( But something is amiss, I just don't know what it is

’most of our social life is built around his interests and to lose that would mean me pretty much being alone’

Whatever happens with your relationship it sounds like it would be really good for you to develop some hobbies and friendships of your own that are separate from your DP. Fear of being alone is totally understandable. If you build up your own support circle you’ll be able to make a positive choice to be with him (or not) rather than reacting to your fears.

He sounds like a dishonest, gaslighting cockwomble tbh.

How much younger is he than you?

@MintyCedric 6 years, not a huge difference . It's never been an issue for him, he prefers older women...which is why this was weirdly out of character. I've no problem with him talking with anyone at all, it was the covering up of the strange over indulging on her stunning pictures that I questioned. Perhaps it is me, I just don't know, I'm full of doubt

No it's not a big difference at all, my BILs are 6 and 12 years younger than their wives. I don't think it's that unusual these days. Certainly the only attention I've had from men since divorcing 4 years ago has always been from younger ones!

It's tricky, as I'm someone who runs the majority of their social life online and on social media, even prior to Covid so I can understand his preference, but if his behaviour with this one woman is significantly different it's understandable you'd question why.

As a PP said, it would be wise to work on building a social like independent of him and improving your self esteem if you can. At the very least he's a poor communicator and not very reapectful of your feelings, and if you can't trust him, there's really not much more to be said.

It's not pathetic at all and I'm sure everyone could relate. But your value is more than putting your feelings to the side for an easy life.

You say you get on great but is that as friends rather than lovers? It may seem more comfortable to stay with someone but every day will knock at your soul just a little bit more until in the end you forget what a good relationship feels like.

You don’t need any more evidence than you have - you are not in court.

Your evidence is that you are not happy with how he treats you . He lies to you, is flirting with another woman and has been caught cheating before. And he’s not going to stop.

Why would you stay with him ? You deserve better.

Thank you for all your thoughts and input. I did split up with him once before, met someone else and had a brief, disastrous relationship with what turned put to be a serial fraudster..it was awful. I went back to my DP and he welcomed me back without question. He really does have many redeeming qualities and the bedroom stuff is amazing.

My fear is if I leave, will life be any better ?

I tried once and it was a lot worse and he did all he could to help me. It's just his online life I struggle with, he's is never off his phone or laptop and as I've now discovered he is playing online Agony Aunt to a couple of younger women. Perhaps if he had been open about this I wouldn't feel so uneasy ?

I've no evidence he has physically cheated on me, none at all but the online stuff is much harder to prove. It may well be innocent and I'm the one being unreasonable ?

Just don't know :-(

SM bridges the split that men people create between real life and fantasy. They can have a solid, dependable person in real life, then indulge in a 'harmless' fling with an online persona. The fling is rewarded with attention and flattery from someone, or maybe multiple people, in a safe way, without the need for actual commitment.

The thing is, you want to be both the reality and the fantasy for your OH. Quite right. You deserve all of his love and attention.

He doesn't have to cheat for you to leave. You can be unhappy with his actions and also leave. Life may not be better straight away. It may not be better at all... only you can judge that and I'm by no means saying you should leave just to consider what is better for you. You're worth more than you would ever consider.

My slightly younger boyfriend was flirting with a 13 years younger woman he 'met' on social media during lockdown. I couldn't see him as we lived apart. He was putting love hearts next to her posts, very out of character for him.

He reassured me but kept putting off seeing me . Next thing I know, he is seeing her and I am dumped.

That was the last I ever saw of him. He has now finished with her as well, which is some going during a lockdown!

I wouldn't like it, and I think in your opening paragraphs you are selling yourself short.

@IncandescentSilver it's that very out of character behaviour I noticed - the love hearts, hugging emojis and a like on just about every face shot picture - even the juvenile bunny ears filtered shit...so, so unlike him - usually he hates all that.
We've 'discussed' it and he assures me it is nothing more than friendly gestures but recognises that it could look a bit flirty and pervy (my words).

I'm going to monitor it for now.

I might send her a message to ask why she needs to message him at all, seeing as she's never met him, and is there anything I can help with regarding her problems ? It will probably freak her out a bit but I think I want to fire a warning shot across both their bows. If it carries on, then I'm out for sure.

DONT MESSAGE HER. Seriously you are looking more and more crazy with this.

He is your problem not her.

@ALLIS0N you have validated exactly how I feel, that I'm the problem but I see your point - he is my problem and if it wasn't her it would be someone else :-(