To think this is probably the straw that breaks the camels back. AIBU to stop helping (alcoholism)

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

A close relative is an alcoholic. I've posted about it before. Over the years most of the people who rallied around to help them get through when they fell off the wagon have given up and now there is just me.

Relative has an ex DP and DC.

Relative started drinking again recently after quite a few months dry. The DC went to the ex DP for a while at least.
Relative is now back in recovery. During this time I have been present as much as possible and provided what practical and emotional support I can. Honestly after many years it feels like Groundhog Day and I feel pretty emotionally exhausted.

Yesterday relative called to say ex DH had said I had said something bad about relative (I hadn't said this thing). What upsets me most is that relative believed ex DP who hasn't really been very present (understandably focusing on DC) over me who has done best to be supportive.

So. Here is my AIBU. With alcoholism until you totally accept that you have a life long illness then you can never stay on the road to recovery. Relative hasn't accepted this. I am emotionally exhausted trying to support and now it feels like all that time and effort means nothing. AIBU to just give up on close relative (whom I love very very much)?

No Yanbu. You can’t fix this and it’s advisable to step back.

Christ no. I’d be backing right off and taking care of yourself.

I think you need to think about your own life and your own mental health. My mum was alcoholic in the later years of her life. She couldn’t see or admit it, and would try to cut back periodically but it would never last. I live away from my home town and supported as best I could. She wouldn’t seek help, she struggled health wise partly because she prioritised spending on alcohol over food. She struggled financially and socially, friends dropped away because she was hard work. I did absolutely everything I could think of but it was never enough as she wouldn’t acknowledge there was a problem and pushed everyone away who tried to help. In the end it killed her, she was 63. I think about her every day and feel guilty that I didn’t do more - even though realistically I know that I couldn’t have.

It’s bloody hard x

I honestly think it is one of the shittiest illnesses there is (though many are shitty in their own way) because on one level all they have to do is not drink and yet it is pretty much impossible.

Thank you for the responses

Your support is enabling your relative to avoid accepting the truth about it being a life long condition.

Stepping away is the most useful thing you can do for them.

All you are doing is figuratively slamming your head into a wall over and over and over again.

You are not responsible for this relative, and you are clearly suffering poor mental health due to their addiction. This can't go on. You need to back way, way off and leave them to it.

You can’t do anything about it. Alcoholism is a horrible thing, you can’t fix your relative.

Sounds like Relative is looking for someone to blame for their next round of drinking and you’re it. Time to step back. You can only do so much to keep things on an even keel if Relative is in denial about their problem, and it sounds like you’ve exhausted your resources.

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 26 years of sobriety.

Does your relative think he or she can start drinking again at some point? If so, they are not really focused on recovery, in addition to being wrong.

@MissConductUS they stay dry for a while / go to meetings and then after a bit they start playing down the problem, convincing themselves that they don't have a problem and that is when they start again.

I would never try and help an alcoholic person ever again. I did so for three years,and he refused all help, and he became abusive , and finally reached a point where the alcohol wrecked his body, and he had signs of alcohol dementia. His family gave up on him, and there was only me to see him drop into the depths of despair. I had to leave in haste eventually, and then three months later, he was dead.

Nah, leave them to drink themselves to death back off - chances are that the 'thing' you were supposed to have said to their ex was fake anyhow, they're just wanting to make you take their side, rather than being cordial with the ex, so made the whole thing up in the first place.

@DownToTheSeaAgain - I am sorry to hear that, but it is a common enough pattern. You have to let them "hit bottom", to the point where they can no longer delude themselves about it. Don't enable them in any way - no money, no lifts, no emotional support, etc.

Listen to MissConductUS - she is the wise voice of experience. It's time to step back and look after yourself. If your relative ever accepts their condition and truly finds recovery, it would be possible to make contact again.

Aww, thanks @pointythings - that made my day. 😊

The sad truth is that it is an extremely powerful addiction and many never get over it. I have been very fortunate in so many ways.

@MissConductUS I will always remember your supportive and compassionate words on my threads when I was going through it with my husband. Your contributions were invaluable then and they will be again.

Alcohol addiction is an awful disease. I know two alcoholics who have been long term sober - one is my Dsis' partner, who has 10 years sober and is going strong.

@pointythings I remember your threads. My heart breaks when I hear stories like yours. The chaos and destruction an alcoholic family member creates is just awful. I'm so glad that you found my input helpful. When I was struggling with alcoholism so many kind people helped me climb out of the pit I had fallen into. I try in some small way to repay my debt to them by using my experiences to help and support others who need it.

If anyone is curious, I got sober in my mid 30's and met my now DH about a year later. Among the things I am truly thankful for are that he and our lovely DC never knew me when I was drinking. I am also thankful that despite knowing my history with drink he took a chance on me and asked me to marry him and start a family despite the risk. I have been very fortunate indeed. It is a powerful thing when someone loves you and has faith in you.

I know two alcoholics who have been long term sober

Actually you know at least three - you know me.

I have a lifetime experience of this having a DM who is alcoholic and being the only person around left to pick up the pieces, every single time.... She is now in her mid 70's and has finally been about 4 years sober.
However now I am also taking the same job on with DB. He recently fell seriously ill with cirrhosis of the liver and nearly died. He is currently recovering but will need a transplant to survive but won't get on the list until he proves his sobriety.

I am at the edge of breaking point all the time. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I have my own family and work as well as DF to look after. It hit me so hard in the past I've tried to take my own life. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks and I generally feeling on edge all the time.

It's easy to say walk away and leave them to it but much harder to actually do, as you know exactly what the consequences could be, and feel that full burden on your shoulders. However... that's exactly what I advise you to do. Do not live your life like this, it's too hard and not fair on the rest of the people in your life. My mother walked out on us when I was young and somehow I still ended up talking care of her and can't walk away. She's never said thank you or apologised once...

The thanking thing does bother me sometimes. Not because I expect thanks but because it is a pretty thankless task. Relative when sober tells me that is is Step x to say thank you but never seems to reach whatever step this is or ever acknowledge the level of disruption that they have caused.

I don't agree that alcoholism is a disease or a illness and I say that as a mother whose son died of addiction.

The fashion to call it a disease originated in the US so that sufferers could get help via medical insurance.

Cancer is a disease and you can't cure yourself of that. It is doing a great disservice to addicts to make them think they have an illness and are therefore helpless.

I have tremendous sympathy with family and friends of addicts, whether alcohol or drugs. It is hell, but the person has to truly want to help themselves and engage in recovery.

AlAnon helps families of those suffering with alcohol addiction. Sometimes we have to accept that there is nothing we can do but support them when they are ready.

The fashion to call it a disease originated in the US so that sufferers could get help via medical insurance.

Actually the research that established alcohol use disorder as a disease was done in the US.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

The fact that it's included in the DSM-V shows that it meets all of the standard criteria for a disease - a predictable progression, a set pattern of symptoms, etc. If you are not a medical professional you're not qualified to have an opinion on whether it's a disease or not.

@MissConductUS

The fashion to call it a disease originated in the US so that sufferers could get help via medical insurance.

Actually the research that established alcohol use disorder as a disease was done in the US.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

The fact that it's included in the DSM-V shows that it meets all of the standard criteria for a disease - a predictable progression, a set pattern of symptoms, etc. If you are not a medical professional you're not qualified to have an opinion on whether it's a disease or not.

This ^

The 'it's not a disease' judgement is incredibly damaging because it immediately invokes negative perceptions of the person who has the addiction. That means they will be less likely to seek and receive help when they are at a point where they truly want to seek recovery.

And things don't get into the DSM-V (or the ICD-10 as used in Europe) without much research and scrutiny.