Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on returning stuff to abusive ex?

38 replies

Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:04

My ex partner was given a criminal caution by the police after admitting having harassed me and my family online, among many other things he did following our split which couldn’t be proven (stealing/throwing away my belongings, ripping up my clothes, breaking my shoes, stealing my post etc). I haven’t seen him for over a year and am desperate never to see him again.
Unfortunately though, when I packed up my stuff to move out of our flat, I was in a rush to get out and accidentally packed some of his things with mine - records, books, photos mostly. I only realised when I moved into my new home and unpacked everything from the storage unit.
For months, I’ve been trying to find ways to get this stuff back to him without having to see/contact him. Even though he’s never said anything about it (he must not have realised it’s missing, because he almost definitely would’ve kicked off if he had) it’s stuff that I know is of sentimental value to him, especially the photos. Ideally I wanted to take it to a police station near his home, leave it there and then him collect it a bit later, so the police could confirm the stuff was in good condition (I wouldn’t put it past him to damage it and then claim I’d done it). But they’re refusing to help me and saying I need to arrange a collection via a solicitors which they would attend to prevent a breach of the peace. I don’t want to pay a solicitor and that would probably still involve me having to see him.
What can I do? We don’t have any mutual friends. He was abusive to several of my friends and family so I don’t want to involve them. I don’t want to just leave the stuff at his flat as I might see him. Any ideas? Should I just courier it to him and hope he doesn’t go down the route of breaking/trashing some of it and claiming it turned up damaged?

OP posts:
littlemsattitude · 19/09/2020 10:11

Get an official letter sent to him from a solicitor (one letter won't cost too much) with a choice of several dates and times when he can come and collect his stuff from outside your house. Have them write that you will not be engaging with him at all and that his stuff will be boxed and available at X time and that if he doesn't come and collect it at his chosen time then it will be disposed off.

That's the legal advice I had when the previous owners moved out and left a load of stuff in the garden shed. They never turned up to collect any of it, some of it was well worth having so I kept it all.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:13

That’s a good idea - thanks. I don’t really want him knowing where I live, though - would I be able to put somewhere else as the collection point? It’s finding someone who’s happy to take responsibility for the stuff in the interim between drop off and collection that’s been the issue. It’s only one large bag (heavy) of stuff so not loads.

OP posts:
littlemsattitude · 19/09/2020 10:23

You could arrange a self storage facility hire and put the stuff in there, take photographs of it in situ and then send him the key and tell him he has X amount of time to collect it before the storage period is up.

Secretsout · 19/09/2020 10:25

Box it up and send it via a courier/signed for service

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:27

@littlemsattitude that’s something I hadn’t thought of - thanks.

@Secretsout yeah this is what I’m thinking now. I’ve tried everything to do it via the police to limit any potential repercussions on me but they’re just not interested (and I don’t blame them really, it’s hardly a high priority issue for them).

OP posts:
MrsSugar · 19/09/2020 10:29

You are very thoughtful to care about god stuff.

I’d be tempted to either bin it or take it to charity shop then at least he’s put some good out to the world albeit not voluntarily.
You could post the sentimental pictures etc to him ?

More acceptable suggestions would maybe be... post/courier or could a friend or family member of yours take it to his home or hand it over at a specific location to him directly?

Secretsout · 19/09/2020 10:32

And I definitely wouldn't put it in a storage facility for him to collect because the abusive fecker probably wouldn't collect it and you'd be lumbered with storage costs.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:35

@MrsSugar thanks - it’s more that I just don’t want the hassle of him realising down the line and accusing me of stealing it. It hasn’t happened yet but still could. I’m thinking the courier is going to be the best option. I don’t really want to involve any friends/family as a lot of them have been on the receiving end of abuse from him and I don’t want any of them having to see him.

@Secretsout very good point!! He’s done everything he can to get money out of me in the past so that is definitely something he’d do.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 19/09/2020 10:37

Id find out from the solicitors how long I was legally obliged to hold the stuff and be responsible for it. Then I'd keep it whilst waiting to hear from him. I'm guessing it's 2 years and after that point I'd ditch it. I had a very similar situation. Don't let him know where you live

emptyshelvesagain · 19/09/2020 10:40

You are a better person than me. I would have binned it long ago.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/09/2020 10:41

Could you return it to a member of his family?

Davros · 19/09/2020 10:44

Surely it got lost in the move? After he destroyed your stuff, why take the trouble to look after his stuff?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 10:48

I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again. I think you are very foolish for contacting him in any way, even through a solicitor. He is the one who left his stuff behind. You haven't done a thing wrong. I would bin every last bit of it and never look back. As for him accusing you if stealing, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

I truly feel any sort of contact or involvement with this man is a massive mistake. You've got him out of your life, don't give him any way of worming his way back in.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:54

@emptyshelvesagain @Davros @Aquamarine1029 I know. It’s the last physical reminder I have of him in my life and I do just want rid of it. I think I’ve just wanted to avoid stopping to his level by doing to him what he did to me - I want my conscience to be absolutely clear.

@OhioOhioOhio thanks, I’ll see if I can speak to a solicitor - I have some lawyer friends so maybe they can help.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay he’s an only child and so it would only be his parents and they live a good few hours away from me, so unfortunately not an option really.

OP posts:
emptyshelvesagain · 19/09/2020 11:03

I know. It’s the last physical reminder I have of him in my life and I do just want rid of it.

Then bin it. Don't overthink this.

I think I’ve just wanted to avoid stopping to his level by doing to him what he did to me - I want my conscience to be absolutely clear.

This probably isn't going to be very well received but your need for a clean conscience indicates he still has a level of control over your mind. Bin his shit and move on fully.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 11:05

I want my conscience to be absolutely clear.

Your conscience should already be clear because you have done nothing wrong. Throwing away his left behind items is on him, not you.

I find it highly alarming and confusing that you would in any way risk this violent and dangerous man finding his way back to you and where you now live. Why would you do this over some old tat he clearly doesn't give a shit about? He probably doesn't even remember any of it.

Your safety and moving forward should be your only concerns, not returning unwanted rubbish.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 19/09/2020 11:12

You are a good person @Tafelberg, many of us would have got rid of the lot, although I can understand wanting to return photos.

You could sent it to him by recorded delivery, but make sure to photo everything before packing it, and then again once it is all in the box, to prove that everything was undamaged on the date it was sent. You could put a typed covering letter in the parcel advising these had just been found/were packed up and taken in error (if you think that would help, but if you think this would makes things worse, don't sent a letter). However, to be sure he cannot trace you/your address I would post the parcel from a post office miles away from your area and make sure you do not put a return address on the parcel.

ZarasHouse · 19/09/2020 11:14

I would divide it into piles. Donate, Recycle, Rubbish. I have tried to be considerate and decent in break ups with horrible men and honestly it's not worth it.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 11:17

@emptyshelvesagain @Aquamarine1029 I need to hear this stuff. You’re making me think about it all in a very different way. I’ve just thought the whole way through that if I get rid of or destroy the stuff, I’m leaving myself open to him coming back into my life in the future when he realises it’s gone and chases me up on it. I actually thought getting it back to him (without seeing him or him finding out where I live in the process) was the best way to draw a line under it all and stopping any potential for contact from him about it down the line. And it wasn’t stuff he left behind - he’s still in the flat I took the stuff from, I just packed it up with mine as our books and records were all mixed up together.

But I completely see your points. I do need to stop overthinking this. I genuinely have moved on from it all now, though it may not sound like it. It’s less about him being upset about his stuff and more about just making sure I don’t ever have any to deal with any repercussions as and when he realises it’s gone.

OP posts:
Freixene · 19/09/2020 11:19

Definitely courier. Box it up, have them deliver it, think no more of it

Nottherealslimshady · 19/09/2020 11:22

Box it up and post it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 11:23

There will be no repercussions. You have been gone for over a year. There is something about him that still has a hold on you, and this is not healthy. Holding on to this stuff is like an invisible tether that is keeping you mentally tied to him. Bin the stuff, all of it, right now.

madcatladyforever · 19/09/2020 11:36

Two can play at that game.

I'd take the lot down the dump and if he ever accuses you of having his stuff deny everything. If your place is searched there will be nothing of his there.

Why tie yourself in knots trying to return his garbage, he wouldn't do it for you. To hell with him. He can't prove it was ever at your place once you've got rid of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 11:38

If your place is searched there will be nothing of his there.

Ffs, why even write this. The op's home will NEVER be searched for this rubbish. This is a dead issue.

Lovelydovey · 19/09/2020 12:58

I’d post it - keep your conscience clean.