Friend has gone AWOL

[homealone38]

Looking for advice, I feel so sad and empty. My very best friend of many, many years has just gone awol on me. I have been living alone all through covid and apart from being my very best friend, she has been my absolute rock as we text each other every single day, i dont really have anyone else to chat to. As hard as it has been these last months, she has always been there for me and I for her. We had just started going for a weekly walk too which was great to see her after a few months of solitude.
Well the last couple of weeks she has only responded to my texts and not instigated any which left me feeling anxious and concerned.
Now I have just received a text from her saying she is not ok, that we are both finding it hard with the covid situation and that she wouldn't be communicating for a while until things returned to normal.
I feel incredibly sad, she hasn't said anything else except shut me out. I did text and ask what was going on but she has not responded. I am at a loss as to what is happening and actually feel like I am going through a bereavement. We have been so close for so many years. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I really hope she is ok, she certainly has seemed to be throughout the last months.

Oh OP. This is awful and my heart goes out to you.
As hard as it is, give your friend some space. She'll come round. Try and keep yourself busy and distract yourself. I know it's difficult at the moment but why don't you try and find a new hobby? There are plenty of groups on Facebook too where like-minded people can congregate.
This is the problem when we rely on one person too much. I really hope things get better for you. Chat on here with people if you need to talk.

From the other side. I’m slowly pulling away from a couple of friends that have used me quite extensively over lockdown as sounding boards. I’ve been lucky enough to get through lockdown relatively unscathed mentally and these friends have used CV as a massive pity party for themselves. I get everyone has struggled but out of the three of us I’m actually in the worst situation, WFH fully, live on my own. My dog died mid lockdown and no family nearby to speak of nearby. Some days I talk to no one all day. They all have other people at home and have been leaving the house to work with other people so whilst its no competition I’ve found their constant complaining quite overwhelming and thoughtless.

I’m not saying your situation is the same just giving my perspective but right now if these friends try to push me for an explanation I think what they hear might not be very kind and will be the end of our friendship. If they give me some space I might get over my annoyance in time and we can go back to normal.

Give your friend some time maybe do something nice like a card to flowers in a month but don’t push her to give you more than she wants to right now

I’m sorry you’re feeling so cast adrift

I think your friend is very self aware and doing the right thing for her, as hard as it is for you. I would send her an unobtrusive card and say how sorry I was she’s finding things difficult and that I’d be there when she was ready. It can be hard for people to reconnect sometimes.

Then you need to look at ways for you to cope. It’s the usual suggestions of volunteering and checking out local groups to find one that might fit you but it’s important to try because you need to keep some structure in your life that your friend used to fill.

You’re not alone, this pandemic has highlighted loneliness and isolation within our society and there are more people willing to stand up and say they’re lonely too and want to do something about it.

Think its time to make more friends.

There a similar post last night too, about this.

Honestly she sounds like hard work. I’m sorry she has treated you this way. You don’t deserve it.

In all honesty OP, I have been used by many as a emotional crutch during lockdown. It has been hard for people living alone. But it has also been hard for those who live with their families as well. Which I don't always think certain people in my life understand.

To be blunt, have you reciprocated the emotional support that she has given you by asking her about how she is coping? If not, I'd recommend reaching out with a quick text to ask her how she is.

I hope you are ok op. Lockdown has been and still is potentially a very lonely time. If your friend is anything like me, when I'm feeling really down I hate people I know to see it.

Some people go through phases like this and just have to wait and do what they need to do till it changes.

Best to have more than one avenue of support. There are phone lines you can phone in case you are feeling really low Samaritans for one, it is not just for people who are suicidal.

hope today is better.

I think the contact is probably too much and she's been finding it draining.

It sounds like it's been great for you but not a lot of people can ensure that kind of daily intensity of contact.

Do you think she found you draining during lockdown and is pulling back to try save the friendship? I would respect her decision and give her the space she’s asked for. It can be really hard be someone’s only friend.

Are you sure you’ve actually “been there for her” during this intense daily contact and not been using her as a crutch?

I'd give her space too. The last six months have been difficult for everyone in some form or other, I've certainly not been able to support close friends as I would have previously as I've had to focus on my own well-being and have effectively gone low contact for now. Give her time and maybe ask how she's doing say some point in the future, she might need more support than you realise.

Don't text. That's not respecting her wishes.

Sending a card or flowers with a message saying "understand. Love you" is fine

OP I'm sorry you are going through this but you need to find more friends or other ways to be less reliant on one person.

There are lots of threads on Facebook from women wanting to make more friends and there are many ways to do this such as Facebook groups relevant to your interests or local groups, though I know it's difficult at the moment. I was part of a thread about this and joined a Facebook group of Mumsnetters and that's been quite good.

I also was not surprised to read PP's response about pulling away from friends. I have done this too and when I first read your post it occurred to me that maybe there is a problem in the friendship and your friend is trying to create some distance.

Obviously I don't know the situation so could be wrong but it is possible your friend is taking time out from your friendship because it hasn't been good for her. Is it possible you have relied on her too much or texted too much or are things often about you?

I would suggest that you don't keep texting her if she has not replied.

I would also say that I had a similar situation with a friend a couple of years ago. She just stopped contacting me and didn't reply to texts and I actually went through a tragic bereavement. We met up once and she was very down and ready so there was obviously something going on and I did text her after that to ask if she's okay or wants to meet up but she didn't reply. I don't know what her reasons could have been but there was only so much I could do and ultimately I have shed friends who I didn't find supportive when I needed them.

Daily contact sounds far too intense, has it all been too much for her?

When I am ‘not ok’ I go to ground.

I feel really pressured by friends who constantly text me, actually especially when they express sympathy or ask if I am ok, because I feel pressured to respond, or guilt if I don’t.

But my going to ground is not personal against my friends, it isn't shutting them out’ , it’s just me, unable to communicate for a while.

It isn’t fair on her that you are her only support.

You are her friend: if she needs space support her and leave her be for a while. At the moment you have conflicting needs. That happens sometimes.

Can you be brave and strike out and contact other people? Join an online local campaign group or walk regularly in a park and gradually say hello to people?

Whether it's because she feels a bit overwhelmed by your friendship, or she's got her own mental health issues developing which many people have in corona times, it doesn't matter. She can't be the friend you want at the moment. She sounds like she might be having a really hard time and just needs to withdraw and focus on her own needs. It also sounds like she doesn't want to go through the intense experience of daily contact during the first wave again through the second.

That does leave you in a difficult situation as you have relied on her (and her on you) a lot during this time. It is hard, OP. Others have suggested some different avenues for making friends or volunteering, or seeking help if you start to feel a bit desperate.

However, don't contact your friend. Even if it feels unfair, she has every right to live in the way she can cope with during corona, and at the moment, that means pulling in and not being in contact for a while.

It sounds like a very intense relationship. It needs to reciprocal to work. I think sending flowers in a month or so is a good idea. For now, give her the space she wants. See if you can broaden your social spectrum, easier said than done, but even chatting online has value.

Thank you all, some good points to take on board, especially 'letting her be' and giving space. To whoever suggested she was my crutch, that's really not the case. I have friends but she is my dearest and we ordinarily text daily. The complete shutdown is what has taken me by surprise (mildly put) along side fear of losing her. I will give her the space she is obviously wanting and maybe flowers soon. I am just praying she is ok, gets through whatever it is and at the same time hope I have done nothing wrong and she is dumping me.