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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I won’t love my baby?

13 replies

BEESY90 · 18/09/2020 22:48

I am pregnant and my partner has left me. (Some time ago now) It has been very stressful. He has been absolutely vile towards me. My mum is very unloving, and unsupportive (always has been) I’m worrying what if I don’t love this baby when it comes out because it reminds me of its dad? Or am I just being silly and paranoid?! Rational me thinks its just an innocent baby who is going to be its own little person and thinking hormones and all the emotional battering are just getting the better of me

OP posts:
titsaleena · 18/09/2020 22:51

I think you need to give yourself more credit than you are. You are all this little baby needs, it can feel your love already.

I worried the same as you, bad relationships all round me and I didn’t know if I was capable of loving a baby. Turns out he is the love of my life.

NotBehindTheRadiatorPlease · 18/09/2020 23:00

I felt similar when I was pregnant with my DD. I never really bonded during the pregnancy. It just didn't feel real. I think part of it was that I'd suffered a late miscarriage before falling pregnant with her, so I just didn't allow myself to get too attached in case I lost her too.

I worried so much that that feeling would carry over into when she was actually here and admittedly I didn't get that 'rush of love' at birth that is so often talked about. That made me feel even more guilty and like a terrible mum. But I needn't have worried. She is now 18 months old and I adore the bones of her Smile

I think you need to be kind to yourself, and perhaps talk about your feelings with your midwife. You sound full of guilt and shame, but you don't need to be! Your feelings are not at all uncommon and it doesn't make you a bad person or mother. Flowers

Durgasarrow · 19/09/2020 04:28

I could not imagine who my baby would be when I was pregnant. It was just a lump inside of me. The moment my baby was born, he was the most amazing and original human being ever to radiate a golden nimbus of wonder in the history of creation. Don't worry about how you feel now. It is so, so normal. And you have been through so much. Be gentle with yourself. Better times will come, sister.

DisgruntledPelican · 19/09/2020 04:35

You should talk to your midwife about how you’re feeling. What real life support do you have, if not your mum or a partner? Do you have other family or friends that can help and support you in the early days? Flowers

CareBear50 · 19/09/2020 06:01

Trust me.....it will be the first blind date you go on where it will be everlasting love at first sight!

GaspingGekko · 19/09/2020 06:25

There's every chance that you will fall in love the moment you see your baby. But it's actually quite common not to feel that bond instantly.
There's actually quite a lot of expectation on women about this, people will tell you that of course you will instantly fall in love with your baby.
Maybe you will, but don't worry if you don't. It would be understandable if you don't after what you've been through.

That said, the love for your child comes from more than just loving them as a person. It comes also from knowing that this tiny person needs you for absolutely everything.
It took me a couple of months to feel anything beyond duty for my first child. And I know women whom it took much longer. I think focus on yourself and your emotions and don't worry about the love for your baby, it will come.

Ijumpedtheshark · 19/09/2020 06:42

DS was unplanned and I was always undecided about having children but I can honestly say I love him more than anything in the world and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t have that immediate rush of undying love the minute he was born but he felt very special to me and my love for him grows everyday.

If you can, try not to worry about it. A lot of the attachment is biological and hopefully you will have a similar experience to me.

Frenchfancy · 19/09/2020 06:46

Think of the mum you would have liked to have and aim to be that person. This is your baby, no one elses.

Casschops · 19/09/2020 07:30

I came to parenthood via adoption and expected to love my son instantly. That didn't happen and wondered where I'd gone wrong now I support other adoptive parents who are struggling. Sometimes love just grows.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 19/09/2020 07:41

@Durgasarrow

I could not imagine who my baby would be when I was pregnant. It was just a lump inside of me. The moment my baby was born, he was the most amazing and original human being ever to radiate a golden nimbus of wonder in the history of creation. Don't worry about how you feel now. It is so, so normal. And you have been through so much. Be gentle with yourself. Better times will come, sister.
What a beautiful thing to say 💓
Original poster
BEESY90 · 19/09/2020 09:22

Thankyou everyone for your kind replies. My friends are lovely. I have known for some time really my mum is toxic and I need to cut her out because on top of what I have been through (and what she put me through as a child) when she messages me any positivity I have found I just lose. I am sure it is creating part of the problem. For example she will describe my baby as being “part rat like its dad”

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 19/09/2020 11:10

That's awful. You definitely need to cut her out. Your baby is innocent of the sins of his/her father. You are in the driving seat now. Your baby will grow up being influenced by who they associate with. Would you want your baby to hear such horrible things?

titsaleena · 19/09/2020 21:31

You need to go no contact with your disgrace of a mother! She sounds poisonous. Don't let her vile comments in. This is YOUR baby. You didn't choose for things to happen this way, but they are and you will find the strength to be the best mum. I am myself finding out what it means to have a real loving parent child relationship, with my own children, for the first time in my life. You can do this xx

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