To obsess about personal validation from my boss?

Roseivy44 · 18/09/2020 19:23

@Ridiculosity

Okay this isn’t really an aibu it is a plea for help!

In a nutshell, I care farrrt too much about what my boss thinks of me and it is making me so unhappy.

Nothing to do with the boss personally, it’s been the same with any boss I ever had. Even back to teachers in school.

I get most of my sense ofnpersonal worth from what my boss thinks of me. If my friend is offish with me, I shrug it off. If my mum is narky with me, it doesn’t affect my mood.
But if my boss is anything other than over the top friendly with me, I start feeling anxious and paranoid that she hates me and my mood spirals down. If I send her an email with a smiley face and she doesn’t reply with one... well I am devastated. It’s not personal, it’s always been this way, I don’t even need to LIKE my boss that much, but their approval just matters to me an incredible amount and I don’t know why that is.

I know this is totally unreasonable, I wish it would stop, and most of all I really want to know if anyone else out there is like this and if they ever changed themselves.

If it’s any consolation I’m the exact same. I find my mood and my enjoyment of my job is really affected by whether my boss has recently given me good feedback or even said thank you.

Might explain why I’m so unhappy in my current job where my boss hardly gives me the time of day and very rarely says thank you or gives any sort of positive feedback.

All I try and tell myself is that they are people, they will have their own issues and worries and how they talk to me isn’t necessarily going to be their top priority. Equally, a good leader should be aware of how they come across to their subordinates - a smile, a hello and thank you can make such a difference. As hard as it is you need to not take it personally.

Original poster

Ridiculosity · 18/09/2020 19:52

Thank you so much, it IS a comfort to hear that somebody else feels this way. My colleagues all seem to be balanced and, well...normal... about work and the boss. Meanwhile here I am on a Friday night overthinking about the fact that she didn’t answer my email but did answer my colleague’s. You’re right I need to stop overthinking and taking it personally, but it’s the habit of a lifetime and I am really struggling!

OP posts:

Love51 · 18/09/2020 19:58

I have had this to a lesser extent. With a good boss, I'm ok, but if I'm working for an over-promoted incompetent I tear myself up between thinking they're an idiot and wanting them to approve of my work!
I'm watching for useful advice.

sevencontinents · 18/09/2020 20:48

As a boss, I would say to you that bosses are people too and they do appreciate you, they just won't be able to tell you all the time (otherwise they would spend all their time thanking their staff and get nothing done!)
That doesn't excuse poor management but it will hopefully help you recognise that they, too, need empathy sometimes. Just do your best and try to relax - I am sure you are doing absolutely fine.

TheGinGenie · 18/09/2020 20:51

Agree with sevencontinents - please remember that managers are humans too. I manage someone that overthinks every thing I do and say and to be brutally honest it's really tough and tiring as I end up having to overthink to not upset her.

TheGinGenie · 18/09/2020 20:54

Why do you think you need this validation when you don't do it with friends or your mum? Is there something you can work on so you can feel better about it?

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 18/09/2020 22:04

I worry about whether my boss hates me because she has the power to make me destitute, basically. Probably where the anxiety and overthinking come from. Let's not forget how much power our bosses have.

CSIblonde · 18/09/2020 22:59

Were your parents quite critical and hard to please? That can translate to low self worth and needing approval from those in positions of influence on your life,income etc.

Almostlegible · 18/09/2020 23:18

I’d take a step back and try to look at the overall picture.
I manage a team and try my best with thanking people for their efforts/help etc. and try to make sure I add lighthearted comments and smiley faces . . . . But often I am suddenly overwhelmed with additional work, urgent matters, etc and this means my responses are minimal and matter of fact so that I can crack on and meet deadlines and deal with unexpected stresses. I’m sure your boss is the same.
I appreciate it’s harder during lockdown as more of us are are working from home. You can’t see each other so all you can see is words without the usual body language etc.
Do you have regular meetings/chats/121s? Maybe mention about how you like to receive feedback. Everyone is different.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 18/09/2020 23:23

If I send her an email with a smiley face and she doesn’t reply with one... well I am devastated.
What, you expect your boss to respond in the same unprofessional manner as you? Wtaf?

bookworm100 · 18/09/2020 23:28

I am exactly the same as you, if not worse. No words of wisdom, here to hopefully learn from others! You are not alone!

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 19/09/2020 00:35

Some people (me) are more extrinsically motivated than others.
For me it's a confidence thing. I'm always worried about not being good enough and therefore need regular external input that I'm doing a good job.
Depending on your organisation can you get a mentor to help you. I have an internal customer who is a senior manager who picked up super quickly on my "neediness" and has really helped me to realise what a good job I do and this in turn makes me not need validation from my boss.
Also ask for regular feedback in 1:1's/ check in after something that it was what they were looking for to try and alleviate your concerns.
Maybe don't worry about smiley emojis in work.

Noti23 · 19/09/2020 00:41

I feel you. Just remember that your boss may just be wanting the day to end and is reposing to the most urgent emails fist and they’re getting to you. That doesn’t mean you’re worth less than your colleagues but that certain work needs to be prioritised first.

Original poster

Ridiculosity · 23/09/2020 21:08

Hi, I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the kind comments, which were much gentler than I had expected- thank you for understanding and letting me know I’m not alone. Hearing the perspective of other bosses was very helpful, thank you.

I agree with the pp who said that it’s hard at the moment with working from home, I barely see anyone and end up reading into written words.

I don’t know why I seek validation from my boss more than from other people, but I think it’s been hard wired into me since I was a child. If I got 10/10 in a test as a child, my mum didn’t say “well done” she said “what did your teacher say?” It was like a success didn’t count unless it was noticed by the teacher. And it still feels that way to me now.

And I understand that smile emojis aren’t appropriate in every workplace, but they’re commonplace in mine.

OP posts:

IHateCoronavirus · 23/09/2020 21:16

@Ridiculosity

Hi, I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the kind comments, which were much gentler than I had expected- thank you for understanding and letting me know I’m not alone. Hearing the perspective of other bosses was very helpful, thank you.

I agree with the pp who said that it’s hard at the moment with working from home, I barely see anyone and end up reading into written words.

I don’t know why I seek validation from my boss more than from other people, but I think it’s been hard wired into me since I was a child. If I got 10/10 in a test as a child, my mum didn’t say “well done” she said “what did your teacher say?” It was like a success didn’t count unless it was noticed by the teacher. And it still feels that way to me now.

And I understand that smile emojis aren’t appropriate in every workplace, but they’re commonplace in mine.

100% can relate to this.

I am the same as you op. My mum was very cold and put value on success and people noticing that success.

I have to parent very consciously to avoid my children facing the same difficulties. I worry I have not done a good enough job.