AIBU to be annoyed with my mum for not leaving abusive dad?

[Lalaloveyou2020]

To start off I want to clarify that I am late thirties, both my parents are now deceased, and I have done lots of therapy work.
My parents had an awful marriage, my dad drank a lot and was rarely home while my mum was a SAHM. My mum had, I now know, mental health problems. Depression. Anxiety. Social anxiety
She had five children and she loved us all very much. However, she hated my dad. I say this with confidence because she told us all how bad he was as a parent, how he drank too much, how she wanted to leave him. She told everyone about her problems with him.

As a teen I recall feeling a bit embarassed when one of her friends called (an infrequent, annual affair, as she had few friends) and she launched into a whole assasination of my dad. I recall wondering why she wouldn't let the other person talk about themselves. All of her children were dragged into her unhappy marriage. I was made to phone the pub when my dad was out boozing to ask the barmen if they had seen her. I was once made to contact my dad's job to complain that he was an alcoholic. I recall telling my dad that my mum was going to divorce him and he would have to move in with grandma.
My mother was, I now think, a chronic victim, and even though she had legal and practical advice offered to her to assist her with leaving my dad, she never did. She loved hating him. She was completely obsessed with being unhappy because of him.
Through therapy work I have discovered that I am angry with her, and I was just wondering if anyone in a similar situation feels the same. I have awful self esteem problems, issues with men (which are really my dad's fault as he paid no attention to us when we were growing up) and I have plodded my way through a series of awful relationships. All my siblings are a bit fucked up, and we all had such issues as teens (depression, obesity, drinking, unhealthy sexual relationships). I am afraid of having children in case they come out as f*cked up and with as low self worth as I have.

I know my mum was a victim of her times, a victim of a lack of emotiona education, and a victim of my dad's drinking, so am I being unreasonable to be so angry with her? If she was alive I'd ask her why the f*ck she never left him when we were teens and tried to give us a chance at having a somewhat normal childhood.

Your mum had mental health issues while your dad was an addict. So they were both co-dependant on each other.

my dad was abusive to my mum, physically, sexually and financially. it never really occurred to me to be angry with her - I felt completely sorry for her and still do for what she went through whilst having to provide for us children too. it's easier said than done to leave in these circumstances. I think a lot of us are guilty of staying in bad relationships that are well past their sell by date.

for the record, I think you are directing your anger towards the wrong parent. my brother did exactly the same to my mother. it was your dads behaviour that primarily caused all the problems, yet in your OP it is all against your mum. it seems quite common for the mother to be blamed in these scenarios, and I get it to an extent, as most see their mums as the ultimate protector and confront blanket.

I think you need to try and come to terms with whatever decisions your mum made at the time and realise that she more than likely did what she felt was best for all of you, whether this truly was the case or not. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but we cant blame our pasts for everything we choose to do in the future and how we go on to behave. a lot of us have had crappy stuff happen - you need to find a way to process and then move on.

Hi OP. I had a very similar set up throughout my childhood only my parents are still together. Its gone from Mum pulling us all out of bed in the early hours of the morning and taking us out of the family home to a relatives where we have had to sit and listen to her talk about leaving him to present day where she will call me up to complain about him being in the pub and that she 'want her own flat but she can't leave because of the dog' I'm also in my 30s with 7 siblings, who have all struggled with alcohol abuse and other damaging behaviours that we put largley down to our childhood. My brothers have gone on to have quite toxic relationships as they expect to find a woman who will love them (or stand by them) regardless of how they behave like my Mother did. My Sister have all chosen men who represent certain characterisitc of our Father and have also had doomed relationships, effectively playing the role of my Mother. I am in the middle. I have a stable life and have reached an age where I don't resent them or even need answers to why they are how they are. That was one portion of my life. I'm an adult now and can close the chapter on it. I'll never get to feel how they felt so I love them despite their wrong doings. I hope can find peace with your childhood and consider that people damage us in life, with ot without intent. Just be kind to yourself and do not let it stalk the rest of your life.

Excuse the many typos.

Thanks @Cherrybalm I do know that I need to move on from this and that as I have resources available that my mum didn't I should be able to process it better. I'm sorry for what your mum suffered, that sounds horrific to deal with. My dad, while sh*t, was never violent and financially my mum wanted for nothing. She was just left to raise five children basically on her own. I do think they were codependent on each other, I think my anger is related to my mum just venting about him constantly to us and trying to get us to gang up on him while never leaving. I just wish I could get over being angry with her.

@ShellsandSand thank you so much. I am at a stable point in my life as well, standing on my own two feet, well paid. I need to leave the past where it is and move on. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Yes 100% agree with cherry balm . Identical circumstances here and my brother has spent his whole adult life blaming my darling Mum . Sadly she died a few years ago and he has now transferred his hatred onto my self !! Years ago it was not so easy to just get up and walk out with the children. No money and nowhere to go . Try and think about all the positive,happy memories of your Mum . 💐

Its interesting that someone raised the idea of being angry at the wrong parent. My background had some of these elements (though nowhere near as bad): my dad was also an alcoholic though pretty high functioning and did almost nothing to support my mum on the home front. Their marriage just about rubbed along so there was no hatred but she was very very resentful about having had to give up her job and not be able to re-enter the workforce (and I now realise in part because it would have given her the freedom to leave).

I feel more angry with my mum than my dad because I feel she provided a poor role model to my sister and I -- she essentially took the path of least resistance on everything. Rationally I can't really blame her: she did what she thought was best for the children, this was the 70s so much harder then to leave an outwardly functioning marriage than now. And she didn't have any of her own money.

I've struggled a lot with this and never really made peace with it.

I don't really know what to say except I think its OK to recognise at a rational level that your mum was in a tight spot while being aware emotionally that she didn't set the most optimal example.

I do think the constant venting is very selfish though. I think there comes a point where if you are moaning and offloading all the time about something you have to take responsibility for it and do something.

@Lalaloveyou2020 My messages are always open if you need someone to talk to. It took me many years of my twenties practising stoicism and self help to get to a place where I don't feel anything negative towards them. Wishing you all the best OP.

, OP. Your family dynamic sounds a lot like mine. My father definitely had a drink problem and was generally a shit husband (not violent, just shit). On the other hand, my mother constantly dumped her marital issues on her kids, encouraged us to fantasise about how wonderful it would be if our father died, and dragged me into facilitating her extramarital affairs. When my father found evidence that she was having an affair, she dragged me and my brother into the argument and got us to tell our father that he deserved to be cheated on. As an adult, that strikes me as so fucking inappropriate it makes my jaw drop. She claimed to be frightened of my father but then hid her adulterous love letters in her teenage daughter’s bedroom so that I’d be implicated too.

We both encouraged her to leave so we could all be out of that toxic environment, but she made excuses for years and years. DB and I are both pretty messed up.

Frankly, I think my parents were both shit. However, if I’m honest, I feel more forgiveness for my father because at least he knows he fucked up. My mother still sees herself as a saint and martyr.

All of her children were dragged into her unhappy marriage

Your dad was an abusive alcoholic, but it was her unhappy marriage? You say she was a SAHM with 6 kids, mental health issues and few friends, at a time when there was more stigma and less support for victims trying to leave. You also don't know how far his abuse of her went in private, it was likely more than you saw and could have been far far deeper than you or others found out.

Yes, you needed protection and it is sad that she was unwilling or unable to provide that, and of course it's ok to be angry. But maybe you can explore in your therapy why you feel almost contemptuous to her (how embarrassing she was etc). Did you pick up on your dad's attitude to her? Does it feel 'safer' to be angry at the non-abusive parent?

Yes, I now realise that I had two narcissistic parents. They were totally absorbed by the other and we, the children were incidental to their needs and wants and dramas.
I started out being more angry with my father because he was violent, aggressive and verbally abusive. My mother was always the hero to me growing up and I hated my dad for how treated her and worried less about how he treated us children. How we were missed by schools and social services, I don’t know?
As I have gotten older and had children of my own, my parents separated. My father is much the same as he always was, but I started to see a clearer and more honest picture of my mum and realised she was emotionally abusive and manipulative. She never takes responsibility for her actions, it’s always someone else’s fault. Then she creates a drama to distract from her behaviour. Her lies are just unreal and she can cry buckets to get her own way. It’s kind of like dealing with an emotional toddler.

If she ever came to visit, she would never really spend time talking to my dc or indeed any of her other GC, she would just follow me around talking about herself or making barbed comments about my appearance. However, she can be extremely charming as can my father. If you met them, you would flat out call me a liar such is there level of charm.

I’m nc with both parents now, it’s sad but I’ve spent a lifetime caught in the middle of them, trying to protect my younger siblings and many years looking after my mothers emotional needs. I decided mine and my families needs were more important. My parents were never going to change so I can either stop contact or just accept it. I chose not to accept it.

You will never get the answers you need from your parents. You just need to decide how you feel about it all and not battle yourself in your head because you feel guilty or from a sense of misguided loyalty. Your first loyalty is to you.

It's not unreasonable to be angry with your Mum for her part in your childhood. It's a balance between understanding that times were different and she had it tough, and the feeling that your Mum should protect you and she should have fought for a better life for you.

I can't really offer much help as I am still working through my mother's part in my neglected and abusive early childhood. She was in no way as bad as my father, but in her primary role of being my protector she failed. Completely. And that takes a lot of working through.

Fwiw I now have 6 kids. I had a LOT of counselling when I was pregnant and over the years I've had times where I've not been the most confident parent because I worry about making the wrong decisions like my parents did. It's been very, very hard, but completely worth it.

One of the big things that will make life easier is accepting that it's ok to be angry at them. I spent a long time trying to be not angry any more and it was pointless. What I needed to accept was it's ok to be angry, it's just about how you channel and deal with that anger that's important.

Yes, yabu to blame only your mother because it wasn't her fault. But your feelings are valid nonetheless.
These situations are far more complex than meets the eye. Your mother wasn't blameless but you seem to bare no animosity toward your abusive alcoholic father, who's behaviour was the root cause of all of it. Your mother probably felt trapped and unable to break free, particularly as she was a SAHM to several children. It's not just as easy as leaving, and she probably loved him, and felt emotionally tied to him, which is a huge part of why women don't leave abusive men. Their relationship was likely codependant, as many are in this scenario.

I'm sorry you had to grow up living with this. If you haven't had counselling please do so to address how you feel about your parents. I hope you find peace with your upbringing

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. I still harbor negative feelings towards my mother for not leaving and taking us with her. I know he would have gotten visitation, but at least we would have had some time when we didn’t need to keep an ear out listening for sounds that it was time to hide.

As an adult, I tried to help her leave, but she wouldn’t. She was scared of change, scared of being alone, scared of the financial implications. She died of cancer, still married to him and it was only after her death that he started to take his problem seriously.

I loved my mother, but that love was definitely complicated. I’m less angry at my father, partly because he never showed any signs of caring for me more than any random acquaintance. My mother was my only real parent, the only one I ever trusted, even if sometimes she failed.

YANBU to be angry with your mother OP, because anger is not reasonable and rational but emotional. She let you down, as did your father, and you and your siblings have suffered as a result. So you have every right to have your feelings and to not suppress them. But also as you recognise already, you need to move on from the anger and resentment so that they do not define you or your life from now on. You can do what your mother did not - she did let her resentments define her. But you have the benefit of insight and the character to do something about the problems, as you already have. I feel that the way forward is to feel the anger, try and understand (for a while) why the person acted as they did, and feel compassion for them, then leave it behind, so your outlook is good. You don't need to stay bogged down in the past. Wishing you well in your journey.

@OverTheRubicon that's what I'm afraid of, that I'm treating her with the same contempt as my dad did. The problem is that he did change quite a bit in later years and cared for her very well when she was going through her final illness, but she still hated him. I suppose it's karma for him that she never forgave him, even on her deathbed she said something kind of mean to him. I think as I was so attuned to her unhappiness(real child of alcoholic, aware of everyone's feelings) that I got roped in more to their marriage problems. There was a lot placed on my shoulders which caused distress but then any time I tried to help (like contacting his work) she never left him.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who has posted who suffered through the same. I wonder what our parents would have been like if Mumsnet had been around in their day. I know I have work to do but glad I'm not alone and that sometimes people do blame the wrong parent. Thanks everyone for your replies, just popped my favourite Philip Larkin poem below, seems very relevant 😁

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

YANBU OP. Sounds awful.

@Lalaloveyou2020

Honestly? I'm angry at my mother for not leaving my abusive father too but for different reasons. My parents had a great relationship but my father was pretty abusive to me (they both were in their times, but I remember feeling absolute fear around him). I was always angry that my mum didn't "choose me", and I felt it was a big moral failing on her part as a mum.

Obviously, a different situation but I think it's easy to get latched onto one parent as the "devil" and it's usually not the one doing the actual harm (NOT saying your mum didn't do harm as she obviously did, but it's easier to be angry at her response to alcoholism etc rather than your dad's alcoholism itself). I've had similar issues to you later on in life, with the self destructive tendencies and the only reassuring thing I can think of is that she had her reasons. They may not have been reasonable, or understandable to the outside eye, and maybe those reasons were solely self destructive too but she had them.

All you can do is understand that they are gone now and try and prevent a similar situation happening in the future for you (or possibly your children). Some things are just left without explanation, and all we can do is pay attention to what we would have done differently.

Best of luck, OP. I hope your pain eases soon. x

YANBU OP.

I’m a similar age to you & i’m also having a real hard time processing some stuff from my childhood. I do have 2 children, & just as a little consolation to you... I would say that I would never, ever put my kids through what my parents put me through. In fact it’s made me quite determined to do the opposite.

Just because you had shitty parents, it doesn’t mean you’ll be a shitty parent. In fact I think it can make you much more aware of the impact your actions can have on your children.

Love the poem

What was your Mum's childhood like? To her that might be what relationships around her were like so she saw that as a norm & didn't have any self awareness round it.
I'd guess her MH would compound her shame, feeling that she didn't have an escape route, being ground down by it all,feeling she'd never cope alone. As you are self aware & addressing your issues you are t going to end up like her. I've huge anger re my DM, now though it's mixed in with pity for her bitterness & her need to scapegoat me.

I get you OP. I had a dysfunctional childhood, and I think when your DFs behaviour impacts on you, and your DM does nothing to at least try and protect you, thats where the hatred against your DM comes in. My DM had a support network to get out of the situation, but still returned to him time after time, even though she knew how negatively his behaviour affected us. It felt like she was putting him first, and then when I grew up and had DCs myself it made me struggle even more to understand why she didn’t put us first. He left her in the end for OW and she was heartbroken but would have taken him back in a heartbeat.