To be annoyed by this, or am I BU?

[NotBehindTheRadiatorPlease]

Hi all. I don't know if I'm being petty or wether I have a right to be hacked off!

So, I have one older brother. We get along and of course we love each other, but we're not especially close. We're just very different in terms of personality. He has a long term partner, no kids. I get on fine with his partner too but I wouldn't say we're very close either.

My brother has a woman to whom him and his partner are very close, I guess you could say they're best friends. This woman has two children. My brother and his partner are very close to these kids, constantly see them, talk on social media about how much they love them ect, refer to them as their niece/nephew. All very loving and involved in their lives.

Now this would all be lovely and fine, and I can totally understand how you can love your best friend's kids. I adore my friends children too. However, I have a child myself and they have very little involvement in her life. I frequently offer for them to come round and see us or vice versa, (he only lives a 15 minute drive away, obviously this was before COVID/lockdown!) and yet he (DB) often makes excuses, saying he's busy/has other plans, is too tired ect. He frequently promises to come round but it rarely comes to fruition. My daughter is 18 months old and he's seen her maybe 4 times her entire life, his partner even fewer. Yet he seems to visit this friend several times a week. I post photos of DD to the family WhatsApp group/social media ect and give updates on her, and he rarely if ever comments, yet he's constantly saying how much he loves his best friends children, how much he missed them over lockdown ect. I understand with the COVID restrictions he wouldn't have been able to see DD for a while anyway, but even before lockdown he just seemed like he couldn't be bothered. He never asks how she is.

I don't know, perhaps I'm being silly. Of course I don't begrudge my brother and his partner bonding with other children besides family members, and I totally get how you can love your friends children, but is it unreasonable for me to find it sad and rather irritating that he refers to his friends children as his niece/nephew and showers them with love, and yet he has an actual niece he can't seem to be arsed with?

I get why you're upset and I think I would be too in your shoes. But you say yourself you're not that close to your brother. So why would he be that close to your daughter? Makes perfect sense that he'd have more of a relationship with the children of his best friend than the child of a sister he gets on ok with.

You feel how you feel and it's understandable, but really I don't think your brother's doing anything wrong here.

Yanbu. I can see what you mean. How about trying to invite him round with his partner and explain that you and your daughter would love to see them and it would mean a lot.

@BlackRibboner I totally get your point. We get on fine but we're not very close. But it just feels kind of jarring that he's NEVER made much of an effort with her. I guess I thought that, even if we aren't super close, he could still be close to his niece if he wanted to be. But he's never really tried.

@Idontlikeyoghurt I've tried that. They either say outright they're busy or they'll agree but then cancel later. Obviously I don't want to force a relationship if that's not what they want, but I still find it quite upsetting.

His relationship with any child is a direct reflection of his relationship with the parent. You are not close, even less close to his partner. Why is it surprising he is close to his best friends kids? He chooses to see his best friend frequently and therefore has developed a closer relationship with her kids. Inevitable. Maybe things will change as your child grows but I wouldn't count on it. Blood doesn't always come before genuine friendship.

I can completely see why you would be hurt by this. I think I would feel hurt too.

Although logically it is likely just that he has formed a closer bond with these children as he has a close bond with their mother. If he wasn't so close to their mother, he wouldn't be close to them either.

@Pipandmum

His relationship with any child is a direct reflection of his relationship with the parent. You are not close, even less close to his partner. Why is it surprising he is close to his best friends kids? He chooses to see his best friend frequently and therefore has developed a closer relationship with her kids. Inevitable. Maybe things will change as your child grows but I wouldn't count on it. Blood doesn't always come before genuine friendship.

Exactly this.I’m closer to one sister than to the other — the one I’m closer to has a close relationship with my son, the other never sees him.

In that case OP I think you just need to leave it and accept that you're not close, he is unlikely to be close to your daughter. You've made an effort, you've tried and that's all you can do. He knows where you are so the ball's in his court now. It is very hard though and I feel bad for you.

In future you never know, he may be more open to you and your daughter and you will be much closer. Times change.

Well if you aren't close there prob was never a foundation to to build that interest & niece/nephew bond from. Whereas with his friends, they've built that bond over time ,starting with them founding a close friendship.

Sorry I think YABU, if he is close to his friends then he will be with their children. He considers his friend a sibling and therefore calls her kids his niece/nephew. I don't think this is very unusual.

I understand you are upset but if your relationship had been closer before having children, he would be closer to them. Maybe as time goes on he will be.