Ex and contact with children

[Givemeabreak88]

I posted this in relationships but didn’t get any responses, so trying here
My ex has contact every other weekend for the day, no over nights, he will see them for the day take them out and bring them back, that’s it every 2 weeks, this was his choice. He does not call to speak to them at all during the 2 weeks, is this normal? Does your ex contact the children during the time he doesn’t have contact? They are not babies/toddler so old enough to have a conversation about their day etc? Aibu to think he should be contacting them at least once or twice during the two weeks?

It’s a lot less than many, it’s a lot more than many. I’m not sure what you want from the thread, really?

My personal opinion is that it is piss poor and lazy not to have your children for AT LEAST a full weekend, EOW.

But I’m not so black and white about the phone calls. I’ve been divorced for 10 years. My kids have never phoned the other parent when away. At first, we didn’t want to ‘force’ that, as we thought it might be too emotional - and young kids can be rubbish on the phone anyway. We preferred out of sight out of mind. They’re older now, own phones... can call if they like, but they don’t - they don’t WANT to chat about their day with the other parent. It’s dull for them!

So I judge him on the in person contact, but less so on the phone contact. I’d LOVE to chat every day with mine - they don’t want that..

I think that’s odd personally
I would have thought if they’re old enough to have phones there would be so s contact- text/WhatsApp/calls etc
Do your children call him or contact him at all ? Are they bothered ?

My ex is like this. Literally a few hours every week or two if lucky. No phone calls in between. Never overnight. Some dads have their children for whole day's or weekends!

Is weird, do they not have a strong bond? My partner has his kids every weekend and they live near me and he often drives past their house and they are always outside playing on the green, so he stops and chats to them about their day like a mini visit.

My ex phones once year on their birthday and sees them at Christmas. Nothing more. They're adults now but this has been the same for the past 10-12 years

You cannot control what your ex does.

If that's the only contact he wants with them then that's the contact he is allowed to have and would have it it went to court.

If when they get older, they make a different decision that's between them and him not you.

Sorry I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me asking if it was normal??

They don’t have phones as they are 10, 8 and 6

It is pretty normal, yes, as a lot of non-resident fathers are piss poor parents. I'm sorry your ex is one of them.

It’s not that I think it’s wrong to ask... just that I wasn’t sure what you wanted from the thread.

There will be plenty of comments about men who do less - or have fucked off altogether.

But that doesn’t make your ex any better!!! If 99% of men didn’t bother at all, he’d still be piss poor for only seeing them once a fortnight!

I expect he’s really lazy - 10, 8 and 6 is not a “restful” combination! Though it’s a lot of fun.

Rubbish age for phoning though. Phone (and video) calls are just dull at that age I think - especially if it’s a planned time. You know when they come in from school and “can’t remember” anything they’ve done? It’s like that x1000 on an awkward silence call. He’d be better off having them for a midweek dinner, or overnight.

Even with phones, my young teens don’t want to call or text me from dad’s. If they want to chat about something that day, they tell him. Kids don’t care about parents wanting to feel involved! So as I said - I don’t find the lack of calls odd, but the in person contact is rubbish.

How did it happen like that? Have you told him you want to increase it? Or tried by stealth (“can you stop back at 18:00 not 17:00, as I’ll be out”...)

I just think it’s a long time to go without any contact, my son has started making up an imaginary dad, I wondered if it was linked to his lack of contact, he has recently started having contact after a year of absence but when I asked what type of contact he would like he said every other weekend for the day, so twice a month. He can’t take them over night as he lives in a shared house.

Not normal for a loving interested parent.
Normal for a lazy disinterested parent
Pretty clear that you are the former and he is the latter.

Sadly there’s nothing you can do to change that. Just be there for your kids

My kids go to their dads every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday night plus have around 4 weeks of holidays with him throughout the year.

The kids don't think that is long enough. He isn't interested in having them more, and it took us a long slow while to build up to this contact. In my opinion even this isn't really an acceptable level of parenting and although I don't discuss it with the kids it makes me sad that he doesn't put some effort in to see them more and to do some of the hard work side of things.

He video calls once a week on a Wednesday and they don't chat much. Usually they play stupid facebook games on the phone call or show him their latest lego creation in mind numbing detail! But I do think its valuable having that extra contact in the week, and it helps with them missing him as I can say "well lets draw a picture to show daddy on wednesday" type response if they are missing him.

In your position though if he has been absent for a year (unless for a very good reason that you know about and know won't/can't be repeated) I wouldn't push towards more contact. It'll be a lot worse for the kids if he then decides to disappear again . . . .

Sadly I agree with @blackhorses - if he could you ditch them for a year, I wouldn’t be building up any more contact. (unless there was a reason like prison, or working overseas)

I’m slightly sympathetic to the no overnight, if a house share is genuinely all he can afford.

Your son making up an imaginary father may be less to do with it being 1/14 instead of 4/14, and more to do with the realisation that his dad is just shit. Chances are he’s pretty disengaged when he does have them? So increasing contact wouldn’t give him a better father - just more of the same shit one 😕

blackhorses that is a good point about him disappearing again, like I said my son has made an imaginary dad called “new dad” and has asked about whether you can get new dads, so I know they feel a bit rejected by him and tbh I think he is only seeing them now to ease guilt on himself as it’s the bare minimum really, he doesn’t really want to take them anywhere, everywhere I suggest (he asks for suggestions as in his words he “doesn’t know my area”) he says is too far etc

What is the imaginary father like OP?

Cocomarine yes I’m not sure how this is going to pan out in the long term as weather is getting bad soon so I’ve allowed him in a few times to see them which I would rather not but he falls asleep on the sofa, he can’t take them to his as it’s too far so wouldn’t make any sense for just the day, I will just leave it as it is then as I can’t force him to be more involved and it’s true about if he disappears again.

Augustbreeze he will point and say mum “dads behind you” or “dads sitting on the sofa” “dads in the garden” that type of thing, he just says that he is there when he isn’t, he doesn’t pretend to talk to him or anything, he just pretends there is a dad there that he can see, he even drew some pictures of him writing new dad above him.

I wouldn’t let him in, for him to sleep on the sofa 😕
What an arsehole.
Thank goodness you’re not with him!
Covid and winter won’t make this easy, but I think you (he - but let’s face it he won’t) need to come up with something he can do that’s weather-proof or adaptable.
Like a walk, the park and a café lunch - with the agreement that it is cut short in rain, but not cold.

This is really hard, as I know I’d end up letting him in for the sake of my children... but NOT to sleep.
Honestly - if he does, wake him.

There needs to be a planned activity when he’s there - board games, gaming if it’s together not ignoring each other (something like family games on Wii), Lego, reading a book together. Maybe they could always cook their own dinner, the 4 of them - making pizza. Maybe regular pizza and film afternoon. That’s really fucking lazy for him, and he may just sleep though.

Although I wouldn’t set him up to fail, I wouldn’t (despite the above!) do too much to help him. If he is only ever going to let them down, don’t step in and artificially make him look good now.

It might be that a fortnightly pizza and film early evening, with him falling asleep anyway, is the best they’ll ever get from him... but they may be happier “knowing” him. If you think they’re not bothered about regular contact - let it fade away.

I’m only even suggesting stuff in your home because of his shared house. If that’s genuinely his only choice. If you think he could afford a 1 bed so he could have somewhere indoors with the boys but he won’t do it - then fuck him coming into yours.

Let him do McD every other weekend, until his kids decide to reject him instead.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this shit

Your last post OP, just heart breaking isn't it. My DS has an absent father who rings him occasionally, he has accepted the situation, bless him. I have a new DP and he has asked if he can call him Dad. He sees a lot of him and they get on great. Have you any other males in your family that could maybe fulfil a 'father figure' to your DS?

Cocomarine that’s a good suggestion about the board games as he knows I’m too much of a push over to say anything, so when he is asleep am there biting my tongue, it’s sort of a habit where he sits and watches tv with them then 2 minutes later he is asleep! A few times he has tried to stay over which I’ve had to tell him it won’t be happening.

TheWho67
It is really sad as he is so innocent, he said to me when I picked him up from school the other day is it possible to get a new dad, I didn’t know how to answer it. When I pick him up from school he will say stuff like “hi mum, hi dad” that’s how it started really and I said I’m not your dad, and he said no dad is behind you. I haven’t dated since we split so there isn’t another male role model, I have my dad but that’s mainly phone contact as we don’t see him often due to him living far and he is disabled so can’t really visit easily.