Very difficult mother

[Gabbianni]

Four years ago my mother, against my advice (she slammed the phone down on me and didn't talk to me for four months) became an administrator of a relative's intestate estate. I refused to have anything to do with it. Nine months ago, my mother calls me and tells me 'that I'll have to cope'. Since then my life has been a nightmare, I have dealt with solicitor's on a regular basis, I have had over a week off work in emergency leave and I have been spending about 4-6- hours a week on the phone to my mother. While the mess (she is being sued by the underpaid beneficiaries) is not all of her own making and I am now dealing with the SRA and the legal ombudsman, I am at my wits end. My mother is and always has been a difficult person. When she has paid these beneficiaries, she will be unable to afford her current lifestyle of running two properties. As much as I talk to her about it, she is burying her head in the sand and I just know there is another crisis point looming when I will have to drop everything again for her. Over the past 8 years I have had almost a month of emergency leave from work because of her crisis. I am an only child, so I bear this alone. I probably sound a dreadful person, but I have helped so much over the past ten years, despite my mother being so difficult. She has memory problems, but refuses a memory test, once again another crisis is looming. Any advice, would be so gratefully received as my health is beginning to suffer. Many thanks

You should try slamming the phone down on her next time. I know emergency leave can’t be helped but an employer isn’t going to look too kindly on someone who has had months and months off.

You don't sound to me like a dreadful person but rather one overwhelmed and desperately needing some real help and support. I can't imagine dealing with all of that alone and having the responsibility of being the only child. Do you have any relatives such as a cousin or an aunt or uncle you could call upon?

Time to stand on the brakes, op. Call the solicitor one last time and inform them you will no longer have any part in this madness, then call your mom and tell her the same thing. As for your mother's personal affairs, she can deal with them on her own. Take about 500 massive steps back.

Thank you so much, I am tearing, that's just so much support, – thank you – I do have cousins but my mother has been problematic for years, so many in the family have as little to do with things when they reach crisis point as is possible - and in any case, some of the cousins are the overpaid beneficiaries and need to start paying some money back - so I suspect they don't really want to be involved with me – bar one, who lives in West Wales, so the distance presents a problem (I live n Dorset). I have slammed the phone down on my Mam many times, but feel bad - she is 80. The mad thing is when she got involved in doing this I wrote to the solicitors and clearly stated I wanted nothing to with it... but I agree with you I need to put the brakes on this, so will start by calling my doctor. I should be honest with you lovely people I am not a mum, but for many years when I needed to know something, I have looked at this site, it just speaks so much sense - thank you so much for responding.

You have my sympathies OP.I am lost on the whole legal situation however I do have a difficult DM who makes things harder than they need to be.Somehow she has managed to almost alienate all of her 5 dcs and 13 grandkids.
I tried to help her daily through lockdown now I have taken a huge step back.I can understand you feel an obligation to your elderly dm but don't let her drain your MH.

You could also try a legal angle with people chasing up an 80 year old with memory problems... OR use her memory issues as a way to get her out of this shit. Let her know that if she is diagnosed with a “wee bit of a memory problem” then she is no longer able to administer this nightmare and nobody can chase her up for this money. If it can be “proved” that she has had these problems all along then she could never have legally been fit to agree to it in the first place.

Oh god that's sounds chaotic. I think it sounds like the solicitors have really failed her if they were involved from the beginning. How have equal relative been over and underpaid?
I'd absolutely draw a line in the sand and say it's nothing to do with you and they're all out of order expecting you to fly in and fix it for them.

It is chaotic and for those who have a difficult parent - it just leaves you so disempowered. I have tried the legal memory tack and have communicated with my mum's doctor but as she can still perform daily functions and she is resisting forms of medical consultation there is nothing that I can do. As for overpaying and underpaying, there were mistakes made with the handling of the estate, a mixture of people were involved in these mistakes, including my mother, so some relatives received incorrect monies. I am doing my best and have lodged the situation with the Legal Ombudsman etc. but and it is understandable, this will take some time, in the meantime court action (this is the third time) is being threatened. My mother has a very good solicitor at the moment and we are trying to resolve things but the stress.... I have the authorisation to act in consultation with my mother on the matter but not make decisions on her behalf, which is something that she is constantly pushing me to do, despite me making it clear that legally I am not allowed to. I am so sorry to almost be so negative, but I have lived with this for nine months now and it is an impossible situation. Still, I cannot tell you lovely people how much I appreciate your replies, at least I do not feel so very alone and like a dreadful daughter so much. Thank you.

Surely a good solicitor can sort this out without constant phone calls, sounds crazy.
It’s time to be blunt with your DM, shes 80, she needs to sort her finances out, she doesn’t need 2 properties, time to downsize and she needs to see it’s not your job to sort out the mess she’s made.
Be clear to solicitor you are not to be called again and take a big step back.

Thank you - I know your advice is absolutely correct - it's just living it is hard. I will see what my doctor says, take their advice as well... but in the meantime, I thank every one of you who has taken the time and trouble to post here. Just emailed a friend and said there are many dreadful people in the world but there are also many wonderful ones - thank you

@Gabbianni
I’m 15yrs NC with my ‘mother’ no regrets at all. Being related doesn’t mean we have to be treated poorly, we wouldn’t let a friend treat us the way these parents do.

Your words are so true, I take strength from this. I was NC with my mother for seven years until family pressure led to me reinitiating contact - I think there is much to be said for listening to your inner voice. I am blown away by the level of support and kindness I have received this morning - thank you.

You are definitely not a dreadful daughter; you've got caught up in something complicated not of your doing. Your mother's solicitor needs to be shouldering this situation; he/she doesn't have the emotional side to deal with - and he/she is not doing the work for nothing!

Tell your mother that you've done as much as you can do. If she won't listen, send her a letter outlining all the steps you've taken and step away.

OP, you sound so entangled with trying to meet her expectations that you're being dragged in despite vocalising otherwise.

Look at what has happened - you said you wouldn't become involved, then you have been dragged in. STOP. The only person who can control you being involved is YOU.

I think you have some very toxic dynamics in play here with your mother. She can state a demand, a request, she can even be nice or beg for it. but YOU have the power to grant your time and energy to someone or something.. no one else gets to control that.

It's time you stop this dynamic with therapy, online help / advice, etc because that's the root cause of all of this. The situation is a symptom of your (for some reason) being unwilling or unable to hold down reasonable boundaries. Your mum clearly can't control herself from pushing those boundaries, but you CAN learn to push back and put them back in place - much like a rope in a queue of people that gets knocked back an inch here or there, then a member of staff has to clear it back up at the end of the day to where it SHOULD be. Or else by the end of the week it's a few meters away from where it should be. you need to start being that person, that edges it back to where it should be, and knows what that line looks like.

you can do this!

Head over to the Relationships forum for more advice (or the Elderly section, there's a lot of MNers dealing with frail but angry/toxic parents in their old age, and it's ok to not have the techniques in place to deal with their shit without help).

This is advice from someone who also has to deal with a difficult, and now demented, parent - you need to emotionally detach. I dont mean stop doing stuff for your mum (although of course you can, that's up to you) but deal with her as if you are dealing with an old lady down the road. You can do so much, but it's not your job to fix her life.

As for the estate, my advice would be to either to strictly limit the hours you spend on it (say 3 per week) or stop doing it altogether. Let you relatives sort it out. If they want to take your mum to court, let them, theyll not get far.

As far as the memory problems and refusal to engage goes, that's really common and both doctors and courts will have seen it all before.

I have no advice for you @Gabbianni but what you;re going through sounds really messy!!! so sending you these and reminding you to look after your own mental health too, this is your mums mess, and whilst you can help and offer advice, she needs to be the one to sort it. In earnest, it might be better going down the court route - that way you are physically unable to have anything to do with it and all contact with you will stop

Thank you for the flowers - it means a lot. The analogy about the rope is sooo good. I have consolidated, I gained the courage from all these lovely messages of support this morning. I am waiting to speak with a doctor - a phone consultation is fine. I have written to the solicitor and stated that I do not mind writing instructions for Mam to follow and posting them to her - then it is up to her to take the advice and follow through. What I am not going to do is continue to speak, cajole, try and persuade her into making decisions - that has now ended. I guess I am putting the ropes back in place. Many thanks to you all - I think that you are a fantastic bunch of people. I'm going to have a chamomile tea now - and yes, I did treat myself to teapigs!

No advice OP, but just wanted to say how well you're seem to be doing. You seem a lot calmer.

Take the the advice of the wonderful PPs and walk away as much as you can.

Enjoy your tea and pigs

From my heart - thank you

Sometime later - I am calmer and can feel a way through - I just have to say a huge thank you to everybody who has taken the time and thought to help me - I have never felt so supported during nine months of a horrendous time as I have felt today and for this I am... well I can't describe it.... can't find the words.. except a simple Thank you.. for rescuing me x

It all sounds dreadful and it sounds like you've done your best and coped way better than I (and probably many)could have.

You don't have to be a mum to post here btw so feel free to hang around

I just wanted to pop in and say that I could have been you. My mum was the supreme puppeteer (when it suited her). Just a heads up, this is still continuing, and she died nearly five years ago. She left a very complicated, impractical will which is handled by expensive lawyers. (We can’t afford to contest it, so we’re waiting for my youngest kids to turn 18 then we’re joking about having an exorcism.) I am glad you feel better. Everyone will continue to call you and expect you to “DO” something. Refer them to the solicitors. It sucks being the sensible, functional one, doesn’t it?

OP - I noticed that you said you went NC with your mother for seven years and then re-initiated contact due to family pressure. I think we can solve this mystery: your relatives didn’t want to deal with your mother and wanted to dump it on you, so pressured you to return to the “fold,” so to speak. I’ve seen this happen a lot in dysfunctional families, where a child (rightly) cuts contact with a difficult parent and then when other relatives realize just how difficult that person is, they guilt the child into resuming contact. But of course, they dress it up as you being a terrible daughter or needing to do the right thing or mending fences or what have you, when the truth is, they just don’t want to deal with it! You’re not a terrible daughter at all. Please think back to whether your mental health was better when you didn’t have contact with your mother, or when you weren’t involved with these solicitors. You only get one life. You have to live it for yourself, not the way your mother thinks you should, or the way any other family pressures you to.

An exorcism - thank you - for the first time. in a long time I have stared my day with chuckle. I think you are right though, I was 'guilted' into resuming contact, I think some family members might have been genuine in their desire to see a mother and daughter have a friendship, but I think there was an element of nobody else really has that much to do with Mam and she is getting older, so someone needs to be in contact. Well, not me anymore - I'm not a heartless monster and she is a frail old lady at the end of the day but I am drawing boundaries and they have been put in writing to the solicitor. I have two more phone calls that I have to make to her then that's it - I wish for no further conversation with her - it can all be put in writing. Has anyone else experienced someone who says and does quite hurtful things then fully denies it with a 'I would never do that". That is mainly what I cannot cope with, I am adult ADHD, formally diagnosed, so my mind scatters anyway - when people start playing games like that, my mind really starts to question its acumen. Anyway, that's my plan of action - have a lovely day - the colours of the leaves in my garden are absolutely stunning.

Glad to cheer you up a bit, OP... much empathy. MUCH empathy!!!