To demand more time with my daughter?

[friendszone]

My ex is a vile piece of work - cheating, perverted, lazy arsehole.

My 8 year old lives with me and sees him at the weekends. He's a shit person but a good dad.

It occurred to me lately that because I don't have weekends with her, I never get to do anything fun with her. I just do mornings and the after school routine which (once I've finished work) is really just dinner, a bit of TV or some games and bed.

I bear the majority of the financial responsibility for my daughter (not that she knows that) and, of course, coordinate her entire life. He just shows up at the weekends and takes her fun places.

My custody arrangement with my ex is fairly flexible so I told him I'd like to rethink because I never get any real quality time with her. He was fine with that.

My daughter, on the other hand, was not at all fine when I told her she was getting some more mummy time to do fun stuff. She cried and said she wanted to be with her daddy.

I do understand - daddy is connected with fun time and mummy does the boring stuff.

I'm so hurt though and I'm honestly wondering whether I'm wrong to 'force' her to spend time with me, or whether I should just keep the arrangement as it is, because she's so happy.

I feel like a terrible mother either way and my blood is boiling that my ex is seen as the hero while I'm just boring old mummy.

What fun stuff has he been doing since March lockdown?

We're not based in the UK. Sorry - should've specified.

I don’t get what the issue is. You want to spend time with your daughter to do fun things so you asked your ex to rearrange your custody arrangement and he said yes. I don’t get what you’re asking what you’re being unreasonable about as you’ve got what you asked for.

He can still have time with her, but it should be during the week when he does the boring parenting.

Stick to your plan and start doing fun things with your daughter at the weekend because you're right, time spent during the week around school and work is totally different to quality, relaxed time at the weekend. She will soon look forward to time at the weekend with fun mummy x

Have you checked she hasn't misunderstood that it won't mean less contact with dad? Change can be a bit overwhelming for children when they're used to a certain routine. Could you implement it over the school holidays at first so she won't feel so much of a big change? Does she have a set of 'weekend friends' she sees at his house, and is worried about losing them?

Yes I would do what terrace suggests. Give him one night in the week so that you have one weekend day and 4 week nights, while he has 1 weekend day and 1 week night (I.e Friday evening to Saturday night or Sunday morning). Then you can explain to your daughter that she still will have the same amount of time with him just on different days.

Your daughter is so young that she will adjust fairly quickly. I wouldn’t have tried to get her view of the arrangements to be honest - at this age, their reaction to change is to oppose it especially if their current arrangement is already fun. She’s too young to know that the new arrangement will be better for her relationship with both parents.

I wouldn't lessen his time, no. And I wouldn't start down the "who's more fun" "see, mummy can be fun too" path.

I see no problem with rethinking the times though if you can work out a suitable arrangement between you. Do you not get any quality time? Holidays etc? As a single parent for a lot of the years my children were growing up, we made fun wherever we could. There were many lean years but what they remember is just the 'being together' moments. Dinner around the table. A favourite show every week. Not big weekends with their dad. They know what's what and there are no 'bad' feelings towards me, despite him having endless money to throw at them. Quite the opposite. They think I'm amazing

Has your ex maybe said something to her?

Definitely have one weekend with your DD and get your ex to do a mid week day. Altho if he’s as you say a fun parent be prepared for him to let her do fun things during his week day as well.

Concentrate on spending fun quality time with your DD, she’ll see you’re fun too.

This is also why I don’t get why lots of RP’s agree to every weekend being a contact weekend. When do you get any time at all with your child then.

I too would say cheerily to daughter no it’s not so you spend less time with daddy, I jsut want to be able to go to the park/ out / watch movies with you and they are weekend things! Let’s ask daddy if he wants you to stay thursday to Sunday the weekend he has you so you don’t lose any time. (Or something that works)
Let him do some of the running around or say no to his daughter.