Can this work?

[malloryknox47]

I'm 35 and my fiancé is 48. I have one dc9 from previous relationship. Fiancé is good with him and after 5 years our relationship is overall really good and we've built a nice life together.

There's always been a part of me that has wanted another child but I've also been realistic about potential issues. Big age gap between dc, would probably need a bigger house, dp approaching 50, and we enjoy our child free time when ds goes to his dads. But despite this I still get a feeling of longing whenever the latest of my friends announces they're pregnant. I would love another baby. I even dream about it a lot!

Dp has never flat out said no but he's got reservations and tonight he's basically said he doesn't want to have a school age child running around when he's approaching 60. He's totally entitled to feel that way but I feel a lot more upset than I thought I would now it looks very much like the option of a baby is being taken away. Like I said I've had my doubts anyway but it still feels like a loss somehow.

I don't want either of us to feel resentful of one another if we truly want different things. But I also don't want to end a good relationship over a pipe dream that I wasn't even 100% sure about myself. I suppose I'm just trying to process my thoughts. Aibu to feel this way? Is it ever ok to push the issue of a baby with someone who isn't sure? FWIW I think he would make a great dad and would feel totally different if a child was here (he has even told me to come off the pill before and 'see what happens') but I'm not daft enough to knowingly try for a baby with someone who isn't fully committed to the idea.

Bump

Obviously you know your fiancé better than I or any stranger does, but to me, the fact that he had previously said ‘See what happens’, but has now actively said he doesn’t want to be dealing with school at 60, suggests he’s now being more honest with you and himself.

You need to be equally honest. Is ‘I know he’d change his mind once there was actually a child here’ just a way of clinging to hope?

You can’t force someone to have a child so you’re going to have to decide whether you want to be with him or to have a child. I wouldn’t want to be 60 and running around after a 10 year old either.

Does the last part of your post not answer your own question?

but I'm not daft enough to knowingly try for a baby with someone who isn't fully committed to the idea.

Turning this around a bit, do you really want to give a child a father who:

• was not really that enthusiastic about bringing them into the world in the first place
• will be in their 50s and starting to slow down while your kid is a lively, playful toddler and in their 60s (a pensioner...) while your kid is a grumpy and rebellious teenager?

I am not a fan of older dads to be honest.

My father was in his forties when I was born and a already an old-fashioned man to start with and that caused major friction when I was a teenager. He was also in poor health and spent very little time interacting with me as a result.

If you really want kids, also think about the type of dad you would be giving them...

If I were you I would decide what is more important to you: your relationship with this man or the idea of having kids. Because it is unlikely that you can have both...

At 35 myself there isn't much of a choice for me. I could end the relationship but then moving on, finding someone new and having a baby isn't something I suspect would happen quickly and by the time it did (if it did) it would probably be too late for me too.

I feel a little cheated as he'd previously seemed more open to the idea which gave me a bit of hope. Now it seems like he's done a complete u-turn and it seems like he was only going along with it in the first place to keep me happy.

I was very upset last night and he offered no real comfort or support which has also really hurt me. Not too sure where to go from here. I suppose I need to think it through properly. But regardless I think the prospect of having another baby is lost anyway.

He's giving a mixed message. Come off the pill & see what happens ,then I don't want a child around when I'm in my 60' s. You know him best but maybe the first is him thinking & hoping the chances of conceiving are slim at both your ages & he really, really isn't keen. It was to shut you up. So with that in mind do you want to push it & risk it affecting your relationship badly when he doesn't enjoy fatherhood (he'll come round once it's here, really isnt always the case). Freezing your eggs might be an idea....

You are correct that even if you split up with him now, by the time you meet and settle down with someone else it may be too late anyway. However if you stay with him then it becomes a definite no rather than a maybe no.

We ended up having quite a big row. I was pissed off at his mixed messages and said we're not particularly compatible. He sulked, said I was giving him an ultimatum and ignored me when I was visibly upset. He's gone out this morning without even saying goodbye. I feel like he does this a lot. I have had to compromise quite a lot in this relationship and now I have to give up the opportunity of a bigger family too.

I really don't know where to go from here and am quite shocked at his coldness. I can accept the fact that we want different things, he's totally entitled to feel the way he does. But the lack of regard to my feelings and concern about my hurt is quite upsetting.

I think deep down that you feel you are settling for this man and that it's not enough. You may resent him overtime. Are you having doubts in general about your relationship or is the baby thing?

@Horseshoe5 I would say we are happy on a day to day basis. We get on well, share the same interests and he is generous and kind.

But I think he is quite selfish and will always put his own needs first. I have had doubts about his coldness before too. He seems very able to shut off. I know in the past he has left relationships of many years without so much as a backward glance and I sometimes wonder whether he would or could do that to me too. He is loving and affectionate but he had a tricky childhood and I sometimes think he just isn't wired up emotionally the same as me. More so after last night.

There are several very valid reasons for us not having a baby. But I can't help how I feel.

We ended up having quite a big row. I was pissed off at his mixed messages and said we're not particularly compatible. He sulked, said I was giving him an ultimatum and ignored me when I was visibly upset. He's gone out this morning without even saying goodbye. I feel like he does this a lot. I have had to compromise quite a lot in this relationship and now I have to give up the opportunity of a bigger family too.

Not particularly compatible? Big compromises? This is quite a leap from your opening post, where it was a good relationship you were loathe to leave for the ‘pipe dream’ of another baby.

I think what you have to decide is whether the argument you had this morning and your worries about compatibility was a reaction to being upset about the baby issue, and actually things aren’t that bad, or whether it’s actually that the baby issue has brought your other concerns to the surface, and they’d actually be there regardless.

Your OP sounded ... lukewarm. And now your subsequent posts put that into perspective. I'm not sure a relationship is going to work.