Am I wrong for cutting her off (Trigger Warning* mentions sexual abuse)

[change777]

I’ll try to make a long story as story as possible...

I have an older half sister who I’ve never been close to but we used to keep in contact via social media / occasional text message. My dad left her mum, married my mum then I was born. I didn’t have the best relationship with him for various reasons but they were close and growing up I always felt that she was his favourite and could feel that she was very jealous of any closeness I had with him. My dad worked away a lot and him and my mum divorced when I was 10. From that point he didn’t really play an active role in my life but we started to rebuild a relationship again when I turned 18. My half sister hated this and went on to tell me that she no longer has him in her life (although he told me this wasn't true) and that he sexually abused her older sister when they were young. She told me he went to prison over it and that she no longer has anything to do with him. I confronted him about it and he told me it’s all lies and that she’s mentally ill (he had remarried by this point and was still married when she claims he went to prison and after). I didn’t think anyone would lie about such a thing even though I knew how jealous she was, I didn’t feel comfortable around him after what I was told and because we didn’t have a strong relationship anyway I cut him out of my life.

Fast forward a number of years she contacts me to tell me our dad had died of cancer. She let me know when the funeral was but I couldn’t attend as it was hours away and I suffering with severe HG during pregnancy. I let her know that I was pregnant then didn’t hear anything back from her, not even a congratulations. She then posted over social media poems she had written about what an amazing father my dad was and his funeral was full of pictures of him and her as a child and from what I could gather not one picture or mention was made of me his other daughter. I was so angry and felt so betrayed that I deleted her from social media and blocked her from my phone. I feel like she lied about my dad sexually abusing her sister and I just can’t wrap my head around if he had done such a terrible thing why you would write poetry about him being such an amazing man / dad. She contacted me from another number asking how my pregnancy was going and told me that’s she now pregnant as well I ignored her and she then went on to message me on social media asking what my problem was and why I deleted her. I now feel guilty and I’m not sure I did the right thing cutting her off like that. I always longed to have a relationship with her as a big sister so part of me always thinks maybe we could have that in the future but I feel like the damage has been done and I just want to move on with my life and be happy creating my own little family. If it was a lie I can’t forgive her for destroying the last years I could have spent with him.

Am I wrong for cutting her off?

It sounds like you’ve both been dealing with a lot of grief. From what you’ve said she had a motive to lie but that’s a pretty strong accusation, I cant understand how anyone could lie about that.

Sounds childish that she called you out on social media but people do odd things in grief.

You did what was right for you at the time. She sounds a bit toxic, she may have her personal reasons but that doesn’t justify her lumping all her issues on you.

I suppose the questions you need to ask yourself is do you want to find out the truth? Is it worth the stress in such a happy time in your life?

What positives can you pull from your relationship with her? Could you draw a line and start a fresh, truth or no truth?

Would a relationship with her make you happy?

I would suggest that once you’ve made a decision, clear your mind, no point tying yourself in knots.

Don’t feel bad, first and foremost enjoy your little family, if you feel that you’d like to revisit this in the future then I’m sure you will be able to, time is a great healer but there is an old saying - sometimes it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie. A little distance might do you both good, maybe gently reach out to keep things open for the future if that is what you decide but don’t feel pressured.

Sometimes parents behaviour really affects the children. Your father left her mum to start a new family with yours. She may have been jealous, she may felt unwanted/abandoned. You said yourself you didn't have the best relationship with him, so blaming your sister for a lack of relationship with him seems a bit unfair. If the abuse claims are unfounded, yes she may be unwell and I can imagine that is hard to listen to.
As someone who's parents destroyed me mentally, when one of them died I acted as though I'd had a completely different life, almost like I fantasised good parents, a happy childhood etc. It wasn't until I grew mentally and saw the situation for how it really was. Maybe she is the same.
Ultimately, if you don't want her in your life, then you don't have to.

I imagine she was really struggling with her dad leaving her and replacing her with you and it will have affected her mental health growing up like that. She had clearly tried to get her dad to herself by telling you that, I cant really tell how old she is but it would seem that your dad was telling you the trust about her mental health issues.
I think you were very silly and naive to cut him off on her word alone, there were plenty of ways to find out if he had really been to prison. I think you feel guilty for cutting your dad off hastily and are projecting that onto her. Yes she was wrong, but so were you.

You did the right thing. She's toxic and selfish.

Grief and trauma make people behave in strange ways. Plenty of people before her have publicly expressed love and support for abusive men; it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s lying,

That said, you have every right to prioritise your own emotional well-being in this situation, and it’s clear that these events have been traumatic and distressing for you. You are entitled to protect yourself, and if that means cutting out your sister that’s ok.

I don't think there is any reason why you should feel bad about who you choose to have in your life. It doesn't sound like you two were ever especially close and regardless of the truth of anything she has said, she sounds like a lot of work and drama and I wouldn't want that in my life. I haven't seen my half brother in 20 years and I have no regrets about that. We weren't close and he's a lot of drama. Move on and enjoy the family you do want in your life.

That said, people behave very strangely in families where sexual abuse has occurred. Do you know from her older sister that the claims she made were fabricated? I have two family members who have been convicted of child sexual abuse. Both remain very much lauded and loved and in the fold even by people who know exactly what they did. In the case of my stepfather, one of his daughter's has had nothing to do with him ever again (she wasn't, as far as I know, abused, it was a child not in their family) and the other continues to have a relationship with him, but blows hot and cold, will disappear and refuse to speak to him for a couple years and then return wanting a relationship and everything will be normal. It's an incredibly confusing and painful thing to go through and people's behaviour doesn't always make sense. I wouldn't necessarily discount what she's said for that reason alone. It sounds like she has really poor boundaries and a lot of confusion about her relationship with her dad, none of which is unusual if abuse did actually occur. That's not to say it did. She could be a bonkers fantasist too, but you'll probably never know.

You make your own family though and there is no reason to include her in it if it doesn't bring something to your life and your family's lives.

Seems she was trying to get your dad to herself so said what she needed to for that to happen. What age was she when she made those claims about the abuse?

If she was young at the time then while it was an awful thing to do it's somewhat understandable. If she was an adult at the time then it would be a hard thing to forgive. I would cut that kind of crazy out of my life. She clearly has issues.

I'm sorry about your dad OP. He doesn't sound like a great man or father and has left quite a mess behind him. When my grandmother died my mum was traumatized and acted like she was the loveliest woman on earth - she was a horrible narcissist who physically abused her children and husband. People do strange things in grief.

I would need to know for definite whether my father had been in prison or charged with those crimes. I don't know how you go about finding that out but I would have to know for certain before making any decisions about the half-sibling relationship.

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

I would need to know for definite whether my father had been in prison or charged with those crimes. I don't know how you go about finding that out but I would have to know for certain before making any decisions about the half-sibling relationship.

This is exactly how I feel. Any decision I made would be based on that.