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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling unsupported by dh

6 replies

PrincessAriel1987 · 15/09/2020 18:00

Over lockdown and the last few months I am feeling less and less supported or appreciated by dh. I think before everything happened I never noticed as I was so busy running around that I never got chance to realise how I felt but lately its really starting to grate on me but I'm not sure if its normal or i expect too much.

A couple of examples below:
Different work attitudes. I have been wfh since lockdown, likely to continue until Easter next year at the earliest. During lockdown when dd(4) was at home i worked my hours round looking after her as well, so would start early, sometimes have some time off in the afternoon to do some home schooling and then work later after she had gone to bed. Work were fine with this. Dh has a job where he cannot wfh, and works shifts including a lot of nights so wasn't around to help much in the day. However when it came to working in the evening I was constantly being moaned at fornnot spending any time with him.

Even though he had days off during the period, these were spent mostly in bed catching up on sleep or watching TV to relax so I was still doing most of the childcare

Now dd is back at school, I am generally logging on at 9, I work an 8 hour day and use my lunch break to do the school drop off and pick up (again agreed with work) if I am not logged off and downstairs by 4 and dh is home, the comments start on how he's not getting any attention and I should have finished work etc.

During lockdown I went through a redundancy process (appreciate I am very lucky to have kept a job in this climate, albeit a different role and a pay cut). I realised during this time I could do with brushing up on some skills (think Microsoft Office based) so found an online course i wanted to do. However I would need to use evenings after dd had gone to bed (wasn't planning on doing it every evening, maybe 1 or 2 a week) and again the comments from dh were around not spending time with him and only seeing me from behind a laptop screen. So far I've completed 1 chapter out of 20 because everytime I say I want to do it, he moans. For what its worth we don't do anything in the evenings apart from watch TV

I have recently started to lose weight. Last year I had a lot on and my weight spiralled out of control so I joined the gym and then started running during lockdown. I have lost 3 stone. All I get from dh is told I still look fat. I'm trying to find time now to get out for a run or go to the gym, and everything has to be planned around dh and his sleep pattern (he is an awful sleeper and shifts don't help!) So whenever I say I want to be up at 530/6 for a run which means he will probably have to get up with dd, there is always a reason I can't, like he is tired and wants a lay in or didn't sleep well etc

I could go on but this feels long enough already!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2020 18:04

Does he have any good points? He seems horrible from what you’ve said.

So whenever I say I want to be up at 530/6 for a run which means he will probably have to get up with dd, there is always a reason I can't, like he is tired and wants a lay in or didn't sleep well etc

Don’t ask. Just get up and go.

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2020 18:06

He sounds controlling
He doesn't want you to do anything to improve things for yourself and he criticises you
Anything redeeming about this one?

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/09/2020 18:07

Hi op

In all honesty Ide change the title to feeling undermined by my dh

Because he is, there's nothing in your list that says happy relationship
Or shared responsibilities or back up or good on you for coping
Or fab idea to re train here have a cuppa and I'll do dinner or bed time for dd

In fact what s the point of him?

Calic0 · 15/09/2020 18:07

You started your OP by saying that this might have been going on for a while but you hadn’t really noticed because you were too busy. That says a lot. It sounds like you have drifted apart and are now, as a result, failing to communicate effectively.

One thing that stood out for me is that he is telling you that he wants to spend more time with you (albeit not in a nice way) but rather than carve out that time you add something else to your already busy schedule. Not ideal timing, perhaps.

Of course, he could just be a twonk.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 18:08

Fucking hell. Your life would be so much better without this twat. Honestly, he adds no value to your life whatsoever. Don't allow your marriage to be an example for your daughter.

user165423256322 · 15/09/2020 18:12

He is sabotaging you.

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