To think that grown up children need their parents too.

[jb2941]

Sorry this may be long. I am late twenties, live with partner and have children. Moved out when I was about 18 so moved out a long time ago.

When I was a teen my mum re married and had children so I have 2 siblings who are now teenagers.

I totally get that teenagers living at home are going to need more care, help, attention etc than me.

I've never met my bio dad so don't have a father figure around. Well I actually had my grandad who I was close to but he died not too long ago.

But I lack any relationship with my mum. It's always about my siblings, they come first of course. But even when I lived at home it was always the way too! I understand younger children need more attention buy more attention that you mostly cut out your oldest child??

It seems to be their perfect little family and me on the outside of that circle..

I've gone through some tough times recently - well I think everyone's having a shit 2020 tbf but more things going on in my life right now too. But my mum is never there for me, ever. It's always about my sisters and what's going on in their life, she also seems to care about their friends more than me.

At a family funeral (before covid). It was all my mum, my siblings and other immediately family sat together. There wasn't quite enough room for me so I ended up sitting alone in the church.. I feel like I'm always on the sidelines.

I don't think I give them any reason to treat me this way. I consider myself a nice person. I am painfully shy and reserved at times. Whereas they are quite outgoing and bubbly! I'm quite generous where I can be and help out as much as I can.

But I feel like saying f**k it all and moving away from them. They are quite toxic in general - this is another story.

Other than my partner I don't feel like I have anyone else. I do have friends but we are all so busy with jobs, kids and covid regulations!! Don't have a dad around, lost my beloved grandad . Even when he died it was all about what siblings were feeling. Never me.. my in laws are quite nice. But they don't like overly close but they are all so close. I feel so jealous of the relationship mil has with all her children. They go out for lunch etc.

I'm just feeling very alone.

My mum interested in seeing me really unless I have the kids too. Not the type of mum I can just turn up for a chat and a cuppa. She makes me feel like I'm bothering her so I don't bother tbh.

Not really an aibu but posting here for traffic and advice more than anything!

I'm glad you have a supportive partner. I feel like it could have been my son posting this OP and I am so sorry you feel that way. I had my eldest when I was 18 and he never knew his biodad, only the man I am now married to who he always called dad. We always felt we treated our 3 children equally but the eldest, he never really agreed and moved at the first opportunity.
Fast forward to now and I barely ever hear from him and vice versa - I last saw him in June. It's not that I don't love him or want him around but you're right, the younger ones are more demanding of time and frankly my son is 20 so has his own life. Maybe your mum feels the same?
Off the back of you posting this I have messaged my eldest and arranged to have breakfast with him tomorrow - perhaps your mum just needs a nudge too?

I think sometimes when you have your own family you realise how crappy your own childhood/experiences actually were. It’s like you have this little human who you’d do literally anything for in a heartbeat and you realise that your own mum/dad whoever wouldn’t do that for you.

I think you need to let your mum know how you feel. Her experience of your childhood might not be the same as yours, she might not realise how she’s made you feel over the years.

Then, after you’ve done that if there’s no significant change you need to decide wether you go LC/NC, just accept it etc. Sorry to hear about your Grandad, he sounds like a bright light in your life

Sending you a OP, sounds like you're working through some stuff in your head.

My mum didn't re-marry, still with my DDad, but she treats me distantly and I just don't feel wanted or on her wavelength at all.

My DC are great kids (I may be biased!) and she does talk fondly of them, but doesn't want to actually put in any effort to see them! And when she does visit or when we visit her it's very much as an observer.

We're a family of 7 already, so Covid rules have buggered up any plans we had to meet anyone for the foreseeable.... But I honestly feel like that suits my parents and in-laws nicely and they have a nice excuse.

I remember reading articles in media during the lockdown about despairing grans who wanted to see their grandchildren again.... Not my experience at all

Focus on your DP and your lovely DC.

Can you chat to your mum and say that you would like to be more a part of things but often feel on the sidelines. Ask to meet for a heart to heart without kids and take it from there

Your mum might be assuming that you’re doing fine because you don’t verbalise any needs.

I wish I could adopt you. I’d take you for lunch all the time! You sound like a wonderful person and I’m sorry your mother can’t see how badly she is behaving. People are odd.

I'm so sorry this has been your experience @jb2941. I was close to my DM when I was little but she had another baby when I was 12 (year 7) and things were never the same again she is also the sort of person who has an 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude as she never, ever calls me - it's always me who has to instigate contact, she lives a few hours' drive away so casual visits aren't possible.

This stuck with me from your OP:

But I lack any relationship with my mum. It's always about my siblings, they come first of course. But even when I lived at home it was always the way too! I understand younger children need more attention buy more attention that you mostly cut out your oldest child??

When I was around your age (I'm early 40s now) I actually went to see a counsellor and discussed this with them; like you, I can understand completely that small babies/ DC need more attention than older ones, but I was sidelined to the extent that I was independent by 14/15 - own cooking, washing etc. They asked me if I knew any DC of a similar age to I was when my sibling was born (which I did, my friend's niece) and asked if I thought they were ready to do without a DM? The answer was of course NO, they would be all at sea if their DM wasn't there, and that helped me understand why I was so hurt by my DM's unavailability/ rejection/ focus on the new baby.

I don't have any wise words as I still have to put way more into the relationship than I get out - I really made an effort last Christmas for example, posted her presents early, all wrapped up and packed properly so nothing got broken. She told me how lovely the presents were, how much she appreciated etc and sent me and the DC... nothing. Not a thing. I've tried writing her letters to say that I'd like to hear from her more often (that was the counsellor's suggestion) and she was better for a while, but that soon stopped.

Sorry I couldn't offer any constructive suggestions but I hope this has helped you see that you're not alone in feeling like this, and you're completely justified in feeling sad/ angry/ frustrated by it!

Thank you lovely people 🌸 I will try and have a chat with her. I think it's partly because I am so different to them - not in a bad way. I'm quite quiet and reserved whereas they are the complete opposite.. my family are awful for judging people who are not like them. Slightly off subject to my original post but my mum always tried to control who I was friends with at school. Couldn't be friends with her because her parents a bit 'rough', couldn't be friends either because her uncle is a criminal (I mean really?!), couldn't be friends with her because her parents are Jehovah's witnesses, couldn't be friends with her because she's in care etc etc.. couldn't be friends with her as she has additional needs. This all breaks my heart now thinking about it tbh...!

I'm feeling a lot better since I posted this. I think I was having an off day 🌸

I've been exactly there OP, know exactly how you feel.

In the end, I totally detached myself and it was easier. Then my SD passed away, and the daughter my mum was totally dedicated to moved for Uni and as the years went by, they started to get less and less along.

My mum experienced loneliness and started to turn to me again. To be fair, she's done it in a humble way, putting little pressure and how I was then stable in my life, it was easier to leave resentment behind.

It's been a slow progress but going well. She admitted her error and asked forgiveness. She's not a bad person, she vowed to be a better mum to my sister than she'd been to me but went the other extreme!

For some reason a lot of mums struggle with their eldest child ime when they start to grow up, especially daughters. I am very easy going generally but struggle with my eldest, she always resented her younger siblings and wasn't always very nice to them which i found difficult. (Full siblings). I love her to bits, i really do but we really don't get on all that well which makes me very sad. However, i will always make an effort with her no matter what, and i will always be there for her, so i think the failing really is with your mum. Perhaps she is just selfish, perhaps she just doesn't have the feelings for you that she should, (sorry) or perhaps you remind her of a difficult time in her life when she knows she let you down, and seeing you reminds her of that. Perhaps she fusses over the younger ones to try and prove she is a good mum, in a sort of a 'look at me i am a great mum, it must be your fault that things aren't great between us'. I think you should try to talk to her as pp said. Tell her you love her and you don't need anything from her, but you would like to have a good relationship with her, and be there for each other. Ultimately though you can't change who she is, so you might have to accept that you will never have a close relationship with her and try to be 'friends' with her, or you can limit your contact with her.

@pepsicolagirl that’s such a positive response to a thread. If we were all a little less defensive and open to self reflection a lot of good would come from it.

I hope it leads to something good between you and your son. I suspect that as you responded how you did you must be a loving mum to start with even if a little distance has come between you.

OP your post really struck a chord with me. Great posts from @RubySlippers77 and @Deadringer
I’m so sorry you feel this way, I can relate. But after a fair bit of therapy what @Deadringer says about your mother not changing is on the money. It’s hard to accept though, especially because it can make you feel so lonely. I don’t think we ever stop needing the love of our parents, and actually it’s when we have our own children we need that love even more.
Just wanted to say you are not alone in your situation or feelings. X

[quote Keeva2017]@pepsicolagirl that’s such a positive response to a thread. If we were all a little less defensive and open to self reflection a lot of good would come from it.

I hope it leads to something good between you and your son. I suspect that as you responded how you did you must be a loving mum to start with even if a little distance has come between you.[/quote]
Thank you, I met with him yesterday and it went really really well. I did have a little wobble over how much he had changed physically in just the few months we had been apart (for the better, he looks really well and it was a relief) but we had a lovely long breakfast and chatted. He has asked that we do it once a week so we will be

I could be projecting here but my partner's family all seem to have the (in my opinion quite toxic) mentality of only really being bothered about the children. It baffles me that they can be so very hyper focused on the grandkids, to the point of overindulgence, but have never really been there for their now adult kids since about late teens, regardless of what they've been through. My partner has a lot of issues surrounding this, and as a third party it is very sad to see.

@pepsicolagirl that’s brilliant.

He’s lucky to have you

YA- SO -NBU.

I was hospitalised with a life-changing disease in my 20s and instead of coming to the hospital my mum went on holiday with her boyfriend. I have never forgiven her. She also wasn't there for me when I had my first DC. We are LC now and I am in a lot of pain about the lack of mother in my life, especially when I'm ill and just want someone to bring me soup.

The worst was when DC1 was just a few months old and I'd see women with their mums pushing prams/going for lunch etc. I felt so abandoned, especially as I had a number of physical post-partum issues.

Tbh just writing this is making me tear up again. I've been in and out of therapy and it really does help so I'd recommend that.

@pepsicolagirl that’s such a positive response to a thread. If we were all a little less defensive and open to self reflection a lot of good would come from it.
This.

I'm always surprised by the capacity of people to go on forums and, very articulately, lay their souls bare yet often can't manage to communicate with their nearest and dearest. I think we need more communication and less going NC or LC (although I appreciate needs must sometimes).

OP, I'm probably a lot older than you. People consider me very able and confident but I think you always need your mum, whatever your age. Sadly mine died this year and I feel like crying "I want my mum" every day.

As another poster suggested, could you go out for coffee/lunch/shopping with her?Maybe it would be nice to develop your adult relationship with her and she could probably do with a change from always being around the younger ones. You could develop openness in your conversation from there.

Looking at it from the other side, my mum, who never interfered in our lives, did say in recent times that we don't need her for anything and she wanted to feel needed.