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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my ten year old is too nice (bullied) help needed

19 replies

Limeandlemon · 15/09/2020 13:40

For background dd age ten has always been a caring soul. At school she rushes to the aid of those upset, helps little ones get their shoes on and all her teachers say she is so caring to the point it hinders her and distracts from herself and her work.

Dds cousin age 9 has bullied her. Online bullying to the point I had to block her on the game they play once I discovered the messages. She logged in using her log in details and changed the password (roblox and adopt me) and dd lost everything on her game. Despite this dd still wants a relationship with her cousin but every time she ends up in tears because of name calling and getting her friends round then exclude dd.

At school dd has been friends with a girl since preschool. A girl in dds class has took a dislike to dd and dd doesn’t know why. Things like eye rolling and sighing when she’s near or at the same table. Dds best friend has now befriended the girl and the two of them ignore her deliberately and exclude her. Dd is absolutely devastated. She has asked her what’s wrong and what has she done and she just walks away from dd. She wants to be in the friendship group with the nasty girl. Just a few weeks ago dd even bought her ‘friend a birthday gift as her birthday was through lockdown. She asked to do that.
Dds anxiety has went through the roof to the point she has developed an anxiety tic by pursing her lips and gulping. Luckily it’s not that noticeable but I’ve noticed it getting worse the more stressed she has got.
The teacher has moved her away from the girls at a different table and has told dd to tell her anything that comes up but dd feels so alone and her confidence has gone to the floor. She calls herself fat, she looks in the mirror and finds fault with herself. She calls herself dumb.
I don’t really know what to do because I can’t make her friend be friends with her again and there is no name calling or violence involved. As I say it’s more the ignoring, eye rolling. Her friend has just deserted her. Luckily she has one more friend in school she plays with.
I feel so sad and so angry she gets treated like shit. She is such a people pleaser too and I don’t know if her desperation to be everyone’s friend gives off the wrong vibes. I don’t want her growing up being codependent and having self confidence issues.
What can I do.
She’s also glued to tic tok which I hate because it’s all girls dancing around in little tight crop tops, makeup tutorials etc and I think it makes her feel worse but she enjoys watching it.

OP posts:

isupposeisuppose · 15/09/2020 13:52

Oh god this is my worst nightmare with kids.

I’d be having a meeting with Teacher and head teacher to get this sorted. I’d want the parents of the girls called up as well.

We need to go back to hard line discipline for kids and especially bullies. I’d be all over it like a rash with the school.

Have you seen their bullying policy?

Also, keep the cousin at arms length.

Original poster

Limeandlemon · 15/09/2020 14:01

@isupposeisuppose yes cousin is at arms length now which creates an awkward situation with my sister but needs must.
I’m going to bring all this up at parents night but I’m not sure what to say/do. If the girls don’t want to be friends with dd then they can’t be forced, yes the eye rolling etc needs to be addressed but it’s not going to change the fact that dd has been abandoned by her so called best friend. I don’t know how to get her confidence back.
The head teacher has just resigned and the deputy is filling her shoes which I’m so glad about as he is fairly strict but a super nice guy too. I think I will send him an email.

OP posts:

isupposeisuppose · 15/09/2020 14:19

@Limeandlemon

Definitely. Don’t be afraid to be bolshy!

Porridgeoat · 15/09/2020 14:25

Delete tic-toc.

She’s only in primary school she doesn't need a phone or social media.

Learn about how to deal with bullies. Plenty of talks about if you google

Porridgeoat · 15/09/2020 14:26

Also tell her to look for friendships in the sidelines, with the children on the outside, not the popular kids

formerbabe · 15/09/2020 14:28

Oh bless her, my dd is the same age and it is just is heart breaking isn't it. Does she do after school clubs or activities? It's hard at the moment because of covid but there might be things she could join to boost her confidence.

ChrissyPlummer · 15/09/2020 14:28

Also get her off Tik Tok, the age limit is 16! It looks a load of shite to me but age limits are there for a reason.

Teach your DD to stand up for herself (I know it’s easier said). Does she do any clubs where she has friends that aren’t just from school?

OfTheNight · 15/09/2020 14:30

I’d be really upset if this was my child, so you have my sympathy OP. I do think you need a chat with the class teacher, so the eye rolling can be dealt with. You’re right in acknowledging that the girls can’t be forced to make friends. Can you look at activities to do with your DD to boost her confidence? There’s lots of resilience and growth mindset activities out there - try Pinterest. An activity outside school could also help to broaden her friendship groups and give her a new focus. Also, you say she has other friends in school which is lovely. Can you nurture them a bit, maybe organise a play date? Taking the emphasis away from losing that particular friend and building on her self confidence might be the most beneficial way to go.

Original poster

Limeandlemon · 15/09/2020 14:38

Yes, I’ve organised a play date next week for the nice friend. Hoping the original best friend gets jealous and sees what she’s missing too.
She does horse riding but the groups are all different because of covid so she’s lost her riding buddies for now. I’m hoping when things are more normal she can go help out there after school and get more involved.

Dd doesn’t have a Tik tok account but she still manages to watch the videos. I’m going to try get her out and about more out on her bike etc, helping me bake....but sometimes she just wants to take herself off to her room.
She’s an only child so she feels it. Covid isn’t helping at all.
She loves school too, and they are ruining it for her. I have tried to give her self love pep talks but falling on deaf ears. Yesterday she got in the car and started crying saying she’s lost her best friend in the world and she’s not coming back. I am livid at this girl....we took her out for the day, out for dinner too, birthday presents the lot and she treats dd like shit for nothing.

OP posts:

mumfordofsons · 15/09/2020 15:10

My DD had problems with bullies at a similar age, it was a horrible time and the school were useless BUT ..... As hard as it was, 5 years later it has definitely made her a stronger character, she can spot the 'means girls' and situations that are likely to be trouble a mile off and is prepared for any nonsense, often stepping in to help others.

Hopefully, as painful as it is now for your DD she will come out the other side of it armed with the sort of resilience that will see her be able to take anything or anyone on.

Waveysnail · 15/09/2020 15:15

Get her to make friends outside of school. Teach her she doesnt want/need to be friends with people who are unkind to her. Perhaps something like girl guides (if they are back running) would help, something that will allow her caring sole. Or drama group?

RedHelenB · 15/09/2020 15:19

My dd was bullied in Y5, again a very caring sharing personality. I brought it up with one of the girls parents and luckily her husband had witnessed them being unkind before school.and running away from her. It stopped in its tracks and she was fine from then on. I dont think it helped that they were a girl heavy class. Cant you talk to her cousins parents about what's been happening at least?

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 15/09/2020 16:02

Try roll playing with her she gets to be the bully/cousin/friend from school. You get to be her. It may just give her new ways of dealing with the things they say and do.
Poor girl, Dd was bullied through year 5 and 6 it was awful and we only knew the half of it. Had I known I'd have marched myself into the school and given them hell. She kept it to herself and is only now in year 11 telling me bits of it.

MomToTwoBabas · 15/09/2020 16:47

Oh gosh as someone with teens this is just kids for you. They are friends, then they're not, then 3 months later they are friends. Sounds abit pathetic.

Sophiafour · 15/09/2020 17:04

Oh God. Honestly, when I'm reminded of pettinesses like this, it reminds me that anyone who seriously thinks schooldays were/are the best days of your life must have had/be having a singularly unhappy adulthood....

As others have said, help her to make friends outside school, and in a wider circle if you can; hopefully she'll be able to make some new buddies at riding lessons. Unfortunately it's one of the hardest lessons we all have to learn, that friends come and go throughout life, and not all friends behave in a way that they should; some are easily influenced by others; and some are downright nasty. Help her to learn she doesn't have to rely on others; she can be her own best friend. And she's got you. Only child or not, you sound like a super, caring parent.

Glad the deputy is a strict but fair sort of person, hope you get it all sorted sooner rather than later. And yes to everyone who said get hold of a copy of the school's bullying policy.

Straven123 · 15/09/2020 17:14

Can she get lessons in something which she will then be good at, and possibly better than her peers, to boost her confidence. Tennis/ piano/ running etc

Twaddledee · 15/09/2020 17:25

I’ve heard there is a book called queen bees and mean girls or queen bees and something which helps explains the dynamics at play. I wish I had had the language to explain and spot this behaviour when I was your daughters age as it is so empowering to understand it I think

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/09/2020 17:25

I'm guessing by your dd's age that she's in Y5 or 6. Those are tough years for friendships - many established ones break up at this point. Its painful but quite normal, and I certainly dont think your dd has done anything wrong. It's just a pity they dont have the social skills to end friendships gracefully at this age.

You certainly cant force children to remain friends (although bullying behaviour should be dealt with by the school). What you can do is assure your dd that friendships can and do change over time, and this can be both sad and positive, because she too will make new friends over the years. And encourage her friendship making skills whilst talking gently but repeatedly about what healthy friendships look like.

It is tough to go through though (for both of you) so

Allanxiousarentwe · 15/05/2025 19:35

Hi, I know this post is a few years old now, but I wonder if you have any advice from then that you could offer now? My DD sounds just like yours and it's so heartbreaking! I feel full of rage against 10 year olds which is crazy, but they are so awful! It's a worry to think it might get worse as they get older! I hope it all settled for your DD and she's much happier now!

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