Dysfunctional relationship. I'm hopeless and useless ...

[dysfunctionaltomato]

I'm hoping I can get some insight from maybe people that have been in similar situations.

My DF is an alcoholic - it has taken me way too long to accept that and be able to say it or write it on here. It's getting to the point he fails to stay sober sometimes when I visit him and DM with my DCs.

My DM also has alcohol issues - nowhere near as bad as my DF I think - but she's very good at hiding them and can pull herself together really fast especially when she knows we are visiting.

I freeze when I'm there and can't assert myself and I don't know why.
We don't discuss the situation and if I ever ask my DM about DFs drinking there's either 101 excuses or "he's doing better than he was", I'll either get brushed off or told lies which I have no way of verifying. I know he can drink drive because he usually has at least one a day and I have good reason to believe he drives with alcohol in his system regularly, last time we visited he had 1 drink with DM when we had dinner and all of a sudden within the hour and no other alcohol in sight he was completely drunk and a mess, no idea how he managed it.
They're both still very young - barely into their 50s and I'm not sure where they go from here.

I can't assert myself when I visit, I hate confrontation and it's like the words can't get past my lips. I don't allow them to have my DCs alone yet haven't told them it outright, they kind of know but often ask to have them and it always just gets skirted around and I give excuses or omit stuff because I don't want drama or guilt trips.
My DF has in the past tried to have my 4yo at the time sit on the frame of a bicycle and take him for a ride around the block whilst he was completely drunk. When he was clear I wasn't happy about that he started talking about how he would never let anything happen to his DGCs and how he'd get hurt before he'd let them get hurt and saying do I not think he can look after his own DGCs competently and what do I think will happen if I leave them alone with them do I think they will bring any harm on them - what on earth do I say to that?

DM will only minimise, hide stuff and make excuses all while enabling him and not addressing the situation because she has issues with alcohol herself.
I often end up feeling like maybe my feelings are an over reaction as things are normalised and I second guess myself and it's especially hard for me when they are sober because everything seems so normal then and they seem perfectly rational.

There has been a couple of situations I was not happy with recently but I physically cannot bring myself to bring it up when I am there in person. My throat closes up and it's like the sentence is on the tip of my tongue but I just cannot get it out at all.

It's almost laughable that I'm so weak.
I think a part of it is that I feel like what I bring up will get immediately shot down and I'm then left feeling stupid and like I got it wrong / I'm over reacting / being too sensitive or precious, they're very convincing like that.

Does anyone have any experience of this or has ever dealt with something similar?
I feel pathetic and useless and I would really appreciate any advice or tips on how to overcome my stupid reactions or lack of.

You're not crazy, you're definitely right to keep your DC's at arms length.

Haven't experienced this particular behaviour myself but have had a massive fallout in the past when I've confronted my parents over their own unacceptable behaviour.

I think you need to decide whether you do want to confront it, or whether you want to leave them to it and keep out of it as much as you can.

Because if you're doing the latter, there's no point (imho) of causing ructions and having to deal with the backlash.

Thanks @TrollTheRespawnJeremy I've been burying my head in the sand for a long time but I feel like it's getting to a tipping point and I still can't find my voice.

I've been making excuses why 9/10 times I don't visit if they're off in a weekend as DP is NC with them and we prioritise family time just the 4 of us. DP thinks they don't deserve him giving up his time with DCs in favour of them so unless he has something else on I just end up making excuses to why I can't make a weekend.
But if I told them the actual reason I would be made to feel completely unreasonable and them the wronged party when in reality they wronged DP in a massive way and sometimes I wonder if I should be very LC myself.

Hopeful bump too...

If your DP has been treated badly by them you should be backing him up.

And with everything else you said you should be low to no contact.

If you know he’s driving drunk you need to report him to the police, he could kill someone

As a mother, you no longer have the liberty of remaining silent when it comes to the safety and well-being of your children.

If you have to tell your parents directly that they will never watch your kids due to their alcoholism, then that is what you need to do.

I also think it's awful to subject your kids to their drunken behaviour. I would not allow my children to witness that.

Yes, had very emotionally abusive total narcissist parent who got a kick out of systenatically anihilating my character,looks,self esteem ,achievements etc .The minimising you get is gaslighting and beyond common. You learn that any trying to address the issues is pointless, you'll get denial,hysteria, temper tantrums etc. So, you manage it and them.Keep meetings short and in neutral territory. They're less likely to be abusive in public usually. So, the park or a short lunch outside then you leave. This minimises your stress because you feel more in control . Other really helpful strategies are not giving any real info about your life that they then use as amunition, going low contact generally,never asking for their help as that's a useful stick to beat you with at a later date. Counselling really helped me. So did the book, Surviving your Parents.

@Imbc how can I do that if I don't know when he drives drunk? I know he definitely does drive with alcohol in his system but I can't pin point when as I only see them / contact them once a week or so.

@Aquamarine1029 I know that. And I want to do that. As you can see from my OP I'm just trying to work out why I'm so bloody useless and freeze when I'm face to face with them.

Ive been having this conversation with DP recently. I told him I'm not sure where all this will lead as at the moment DCs are very little and do their own thing without paying much attention to anything around them and DF isn't exactly falling over or stumbling around when he's drunk, you can just see it in his eyes and his posture but not very obviously. But I know soon they will start noticing and I will not be ok with them being around if he is under the influence.

But then on the other hand if I bring it up and he's sober from now on they will use that to try and get alone time with DCs.