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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this could work?

19 replies

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 12:22

I'd be really grateful if you could help with this! Posted about it on another board before, but no replies.

We currently have an arrangement where my DP's kids are with us 4 days one week, 3 days the next, with a split over the summer holidays, and Christmas. So it is entirely 50/50.

There are some issues with travelling for school (which we are very happy to manage) and the children are primary age at the moment. There is very limited opportunity for them to engage in extracurricular activities due to the timings.

We anticipate it may be more difficult in Secondary. Because of living in two different (neighbouring) counties, the secondary school systems are very different. The older child has repeatedly expressed an interest in the way our school system works here, and we would like to propose a different split that would enable that to happen, it would be impossible under the current arrangement.

What 50/50 arrangements do other people have that would enable the children to be in the same home every Monday-Thursday nights? We think an arrangement where the kids are with us Monday to Thursday every night on school weeks, plus a lump in the summer, easter, october and christmas holidays to still equal 50/50 would enable them to attend school here, be able to access extracurricular activities which is significantly impeded at the moment (we only ever get one or two weekday nights and Mum won't allow them to go to any clubs on her nights).

It would be a huge sacrifice from our point of view to never have weekends, and only be able to do family days in limited holiday time, but DP thinks this would be worthwhile for opening opportunities to the children, and investing their education. This is spear headed by him, not me, and he's asked me to post on here to see what other people think could work, as we don't know anyone else with a 50/50 arrangement.

Are we being unreasonable to think this arrangement could work?

OP posts:

Atalune · 14/09/2020 12:25

Not unreasonable to ask.

From the way you’ve posted I am guessing the other parent may not be so keen?

My SIL has 50/50 childcare split with her ex and they live 2 mins away from one another to ensure that this is a manageable split.

Living across 2 counties seems mad when your childcare is 50/50.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/09/2020 12:28

The older child has repeatedly expressed an interest in the way our school system works here
Interest in how it works or in wanting to go to a school under that system? If so, how definite? How they spoken to their mum about it yet?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/09/2020 12:30

One parent shouldering all weekend every weekend is too much imo. Similarly, one parent shouldering all weekday (school drops, homework, uniform) is also too much.

Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 12:31

We genuinely only want to do what's in the best interests of the children, the other parent tends to think more about how it will affect them. There is a possibility the having every weekend and never having to do school runs would make them leap at the chance, but historically they may ignore not only any benefits to the children and to themselves, just because they think that we think it will be better for us- which it really wouldn't be. We just think it would be better for the kids, for us it would be different rather than better or worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 12:36

@dontdisturbmenow

The older child has repeatedly expressed an interest in the way our school system works here Interest in how it works or in wanting to go to a school under that system? If so, how definite? How they spoken to their mum about it yet?

So we live in and area with a grammar school system. Not going to a grammar school has been great for my eldest, going to one is proving perfect for another. This is not an option in the area they live.

DP's eldest has expressed an interest in both going to the same school as my DC on a number of occasions, and in the way the secondary schools work. His suggestion is that mum moves nearer though so that he can do that, but there's no chance of that happening, so my DP was wondering if there was any other way it could work.

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user1493413286 · 14/09/2020 12:38

I can see how it would benefit the children in some ways but it does have significant cons in that they wouldn’t have any proper time with their dad and you until the holidays and I’d understand if their mum felt that it was unfair to shoulder all the weekends especially as their friends will all be in your area so even if you’re relatively close by I imagine there would be a lot of shuttling back and forth.

Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 12:46

All transporting is done by us, never by mum, and that wouldn't change. When trying to make the arrangements before, mum historically wanted weekends, but rejected every suggestion we could imagine that would enable her to have whole weekends and so the court upheld the original agreement.

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Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 12:47

Dad would also be freeing up evening to ensure time with them midweek, and making sure he took them to any evening activities and supported them in those.

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JagerPlease · 14/09/2020 16:20

To be honest, I would absolutely hate that suggestion, from either side! Having only weeknights will mean zero quality time, but equally as a single parent, having some weekends where you aren't parenting 24/7 is sanity saving for me

MJMG2015 · 14/09/2020 16:27

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

One parent shouldering all weekend every weekend is too much imo. Similarly, one parent shouldering all weekday (school drops, homework, uniform) is also too much.

Don't be daft

How do you think single parents cope with every day??

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/09/2020 16:31

I should have clarified. When there are two parents both contributing.

Of course I understand the single parent expectations.

MJMG2015 · 14/09/2020 16:34

Would you go and collect them from their mums on a Monday morning to take them to school?

This kind of arrangement worked well for my cousin, but he was the weekend one. His Ex wanted her weekends free, but was happy to do the school runs in the week (her social life). Plus he paid her a LOT of money so she never needed or wanted to work.

Now the kids are older, they drift between the two houses as they please really.

Anything can work, it just depends what everyone wants.

No harm in asking (& pointing out the benefits to her). She might even be happy to share the weekends (if she's the going out type).

Bear in mind you'll have ALL the kids & ALL the exam stressing 😫

Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 17:05

@MJMG2015

Would you go and collect them from their mums on a Monday morning to take them to school?

Now the kids are older, they drift between the two houses as they please really.

Anything can work, it just depends what everyone wants.

No harm in asking (& pointing out the benefits to her). She might even be happy to share the weekends (if she's the going out type).

Bear in mind you'll have ALL the kids & ALL the exam stressing 😫

We would still do all the travelling, meaning early Monday and after school on Friday.

I don't understand why having them all weekend would be an issue when it would mean mum would have Monday-Friday free. Can anyone explain why the weekend matters?

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PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 17:09

The weekend matters if the mum is dating and wants to sometimes have child free time with her partner at the weekends.

I get that you are thinking of the children's welfare, but it does need to work for the adults involved too.

Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 17:24

@PlateTectonics

The weekend matters if the mum is dating and wants to sometimes have child free time with her partner at the weekends.

I get that you are thinking of the children's welfare, but it does need to work for the adults involved too.

To be honest, mum is unlikely to date, I won't go into identifying detail, but it is unlikely.

And in fairness, my partner and I did all our initial dating on weekdays! It was far easier when they were in school, or to get a babysitter in an evening on a weekday 😁

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PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 17:28

OK fair enough, but still, it is not unreasonable for the mum to want some child-free weekend time. I would if I split up with DH!

That doesn't mean you shouldn't suggest this. She might jump at the idea!

stoptheworldiwant2getoff · 14/09/2020 17:33

It's also a sacrifice to the others to have them every weekend in my opinion but as long as you're flexible and happy to add a few weekends in so they can have a child free weekend away every now and again then could work

Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 18:24

@stoptheworldiwant2getoff

Oh we would be very happy to, but historically she would see that as losing her time. She's never been flexible in that direction.

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Original poster

TingeOfTheGinge · 14/09/2020 18:26

@PlateTectonics

OK fair enough, but still, it is not unreasonable for the mum to want some child-free weekend time. I would if I split up with DH!

That doesn't mean you shouldn't suggest this. She might jump at the idea!

Is that because you work full time in the week? That also wouldn't be an issue in our case, and she also has parents living with her who do childcare.

OP posts:

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