Second fiddle?

[SuzieQQQ]

How do I respond to this Mum from my daughters school? There are a group of us helping each other out over the school holidays with childcare. I have offered to have her daughter for a day or two in the first week which I have off. All the other mums are sort of reciprocating, except this one Mum. She has happily accepted for me to have her daughter in the first week but then messaged to say she had friends coming (mutual) so she wasn’t sure she could have my daughter. She said the friends weren’t sure when they were coming/going to be around/leaving. I sort of feel why are you being so cruisy with them and not with us? Is this rude/cheeky? I’m pretty relaxed but kind of feel like we are clearly not the priority and they will find out what their other friends want to do then make a decision. Ie we are second fiddle! How would you respond?

I would respond with a comment of I'm looking for a reciprocal arrangement so if you can't look after my child I'll have to reconsider my offer to look after yours so I can offer to have someone else's child.

"We had the same issue but chose to prioritise your daughter due to that being a definite agreement. It sounds to me as though you just wanted free childcare and aren't willing to reciprocate. I'll make sure the other mums understand your position, so nobody else is taken advantage of."

You might as well, freeloaders will always just freeload. Get her out of that group.

So youve committed to have her daughter but she has bailed on having yours? Are you in work that day?

Was this discussed that if you take a child that child’s mother has to take yours or is it a flexible deal where anybody can mind any bodies child within the group?

Notthisnotthat That’s a good point. She’s well aware I was wanting a reciprocal arrangement.

Exactly what pp said.

'Sorry you can't do the swap! Hope you can find something else for little Freida to do in the week I was having her'.

Bet she suddenly realises she can commit.

I wouldn't respond. Just know she is a cf and never do her another favour.

@PaulinePetrovaPosey

Exactly what pp said.

'Sorry you can't do the swap! Hope you can find something else for little Freida to do in the week I was having her'.

Bet she suddenly realises she can commit.

Exactly.

So it is a bit cheeky of her isn’t it? I think I’ll just neglect to organise looking after her daughter. Basically what I’m getting at is that this mum seems to feel totally fine leaving me up in the air/not able to commit/plan, yet she completely prioritises others to the detriment of other friends.

No, be pro-active, otherwise surely the child will just arrive. Contact her and make it clearly you will only help if it’s a reciprocal arrangement.

Friends/parents

Your response depends on what was actually spoken about. If she absolutely knew it was supposed to be reciprocated then that would warrant a different response to one where she though it was just a relaxed ‘whole group’ pitch in.

Usergroundzero She absolutely knew it was a reciprocal arrangement. But to be honest that’s not what im most annoyed about. We have offered to have her daughter for a day/2 days and he she is umming and aging and can’t commit because some other

Friends of hers may or may not turn up or be around. Hence why I’m asking
about being second fiddle as she seems fine to keep herself free just in case this other family is available but can’t/won’t commit to one day with us

@Notthisnotthat

I would respond with a comment of I'm looking for a reciprocal arrangement so if you can't look after my child I'll have to reconsider my offer to look after yours so I can offer to have someone else's child.

This really is a perfect response. Don't even think of helping her out if she backtracks, she'll just leave you hanging AFTER you had her child over.

I’d be honest and say ‘ I understand you can’t commit but I was looking for a reciprocal deal so we can have reliable childcare in place. I’m going to pull out of the deal so I can try and work something with another parent. Thanks for letting me know in good time.

I would write consider as it implies a threat to not look after child.

I’d tell her the deal is over as you don’t want some one so flakey doing child care anyway

@Usergroundzero

I’d be honest and say ‘ I understand you can’t commit but I was looking for a reciprocal deal so we can have reliable childcare in place. I’m going to pull out of the deal so I can try and work something with another parent. Thanks for letting me know in good time.

This is perfect. Say it now so it gives you both time to put a plan in place. She sounds flaky and unreliable tbh so might let you down anyway! Especially if you have her children first.

@PaulinePetrovaPosey

Exactly what pp said.

'Sorry you can't do the swap! Hope you can find something else for little Freida to do in the week I was having her'.

Bet she suddenly realises she can commit.

I like something more like this comment.

@Usergroundzero

I’d be honest and say ‘ I understand you can’t commit but I was looking for a reciprocal deal so we can have reliable childcare in place. I’m going to pull out of the deal so I can try and work something with another parent. Thanks for letting me know in good time.

This. Don’t put a sting in the message as your going to have to see this woman a lot

Leave it friendly

I think you should focus on the childcare element. The “sorry I was looking for a reciprocal arrangement” messages are perfect.

But not saying “sorry”

I agree with everyone here. "Oh dear that's a shame. It's okay, I'll find another person to do the childcare swap with instead. Hope you get something sorted for Freida!"

She doesn't have friends coming she just can't be bothered to have your daughter and is banking on you being too polite to mention it.
But do you want mum/school gate drama. MN seems to be full of threads on the topic. Not sure I would raise it. But I am sure I would avoid helping her out again.

Usergroundzero Thank you that’s a perfect response

OP,
She's a CF and you would be an absolute MUG to allow that go ahead.

Glad you are going to text her.

However, she doesn't sound like someone to get involved with if she is prepared to be be so obviously a CF, so I would be more inclined to kill it completely.

Beware!