To Prioritise Space Over People?

[Irisheyesrsmiling]

I'm having a massive struggle about where to live. We live in the biggest city in the country and despite all the problems we have a truly lovely community. In under 10 minutes (or 2/3 stops) we have more than a handful of friends and we are all there for one another. Many of us found ourselves here without local family and we are like family in many ways. It's unique I think in this day and age and is really lovely. Some of us are single parents, some couples, some with and some without dc.

While all that's so special we are stuck in a smaller home with no proper garden. Yes, it's bigger compared to many (many of the terraces and semis are converted into flats) but it's still not really working. It's open plan bc the ground space is smaller and it means, and this sounds awful, but I can't really find a space where I'm away from my dc to concentrate on work or just relax. I'm now wfh for the next year and likely we won't go back to an office. I also will be childminding for friends come October. I have a dc with a developmental disorder who will live at home likely his whole life. I feel this adds to the complexity of feeling like there's no proper space to work, relax away from dc etc and no proper garden means there's no outside escape either.

I can't afford a home with a garden or a separate reception, they are £££ I will never have. I don't think I can get a mortgage again either, so if I leave I need to move about 1.5 hrs out to get a home with garden, separate reception room etc and be mortgage free.

In addition to all that where we are has several great college and Uni options for my other dc, who is thriving at a very exceptional secondary that is selective entry, and our location means we are less than 30 min to the hospital my other dc has treatments and therapies at and support from. Tomorrow they want to see him because his latest vitals aren't as strong so they want to do an assessment, while this is hard to fit in with work, school, dc needs, at least we are there in under 30 min and I don't have a 1.5 hour commute, maybe more in peak hours.

Our friends are family and mean so much to me and my dc, and as a Mum of a dc with disabilities we are so lucky to live where we do, and yet I feel it's like a pressure cooker of needing more space as dc get older. Another bedroom so no sharing has to happen, a separate reception room and garden would help my mental health so much. But then being isolated would be awful and it takes time to make new friends especially those that become close friends. It's never guaranteed when you are older.

Any advice or thoughts from an outsider perspective? Anyone been in a similar situation? I wish I could make where we are work but more and more I feel like I can't.

I loathed city living and am now happily settled somewhere rural with space and garden etc but I don't have a child with complex needs. Here, the nearest hospital is 20 miles away, public transport is poor and while my ds cycles most places, I drive him a lot. And I only have one dc.
You sound like you are settled, happy and part of community. That's a lot to give up.
Could you rent a spare room in someone else's house as an office? Check with elderly neighbours who might have space and would welcome a bit of extra income. It would be cheaper than moving.

It's tricky OP. I left a similar situation for yours, now live rurally, have lots of space, got a dog and take it daily walks in beautiful surroundings. However I never properly clicked with anyone and am extremely lonely. Everyone here seems already to have family and friends and no wish / desire to make new ones. You could move I suppose and make effort to keep your connections with weekend visits and say trips into your former home town if it's only 1.5 hours away ? If you are in London, Chelmsford area is affordable and only 45 mins into town ?

@Mintjulia 's idea about renting a spare room somewhere close as office is a good one !

I wouldn't move, I always think "uprooted' is a great word, all those connections are what keeps the tree healthy.

@ChilliBeanSauce

It's tricky OP. I left a similar situation for yours, now live rurally, have lots of space, got a dog and take it daily walks in beautiful surroundings. However I never properly clicked with anyone and am extremely lonely. Everyone here seems already to have family and friends and no wish / desire to make new ones. You could move I suppose and make effort to keep your connections with weekend visits and say trips into your former home town if it's only 1.5 hours away ? If you are in London, Chelmsford area is affordable and only 45 mins into town ?

Same, I now have lots of space but it's very lonely without connections. I have not clicked with any locals after years and will be moving ASAP. Really think if there are any other out of the box solutions to stay local to your lovely friends.

Is renting a larger property in your current area affordable? Would you be able to rent out your home instead of selling so you still have that asset?
I have lived rurally before and moved to get a bigger property, to a slightly bigger village than previous.

If your transport and local connections are strong where you are now, it sounds like you will massively lose out by moving to gain space.

Do you have any outdoor space at all?

Some good suggestions here, thank you. I think part of it is I can see the space situation is getting worse as dc get older. I can see for friends who've managed it, that it has made a huge difference.

You are all right tho what we have here is very special esp since my son's disabilities mean friends often step in and help with other dc and are just lovely all round. I do the same for them, and it's the strongest sense of community I've ever experienced.

I looked at a few areas that have been suggested to me by others but it would be over an hour with no traffic and 1.5/1.75 hrs on train for places where I wouldn't need a mortgage. The reality of doing that most weekends to see friends, or even every other weekend feels hard. I realise it may come down to visits monthly visits if we ever do it. But in an emergency I'd feel so stuck and like I had no one.

It sounds like some of you have really experienced a very hard time after moving. I agree it can feel like people don't want to make new friends, I have another dear friend who experienced that and we concluded after the young primary years (pre-school, reception, Y1, Y2 etc) many Mum's have their friendship circle set and many families both or the only parent are working FT so it's not like you meet in the same way.

I know we need more space and I know we need our community. If I had a spare £150k sitting around I'd just move to a house locally that better meets our needs even if it needed more work doing, but that's unlikely to ever be our situation. The appeal of being mortgage free is huge too. But if you aren't happy and are isolated, that may not be enough to be happy.

I'm now wfh for the next year and likely we won't go back to an office.

Talk to your employer. Ask them how they will support you to WFH. Tell them you are considering joining a co-working space as you do not have space at home. Ask them if they will help you pay for this. They can't just assume that all their staff will magically be able to WFH. Most people don't have suitable space.

My other suggestion is, put a floorplan of your home on Houzz.com in the problem solving boards. Ask for suggestions of where you might fit a separate, quiet desk area. Ask for suggestions for how to divide a room cheaply. I've seen some very clever solutions on that forum.

I would investigate all options before moving. Get looking in pin interest for small working spaces. Or even get someone in to advice on layouts maybe even go back to not being open plan. Find one locally who specialises in a all spaces. You'd be amazed at what can be achieved. It would be a small investment but still much less than a house move.

But just a question on your kids ages and your community... take a hard look at the reality of whether other people will move as kids get older. You can't be the only one thinking this especially with more WFH. Do you run the risk of your community shrinking anyway if others move on?

Do you have an attic you could convert? I’m assuming you are in a house from the comment about other house being converted into flats.

Tough one. I have a child with SN and I live in a beautiful place, rural and fresh air. I have a big house, so much room and a huge garden. It is quiet and peaceful. I love taking my dog for walks, and it really helps with my child to have plenty of space, as he has his own small room to relax in plus a bedroom.

However I have no one within 20 miles that is a good friend. No family. It depends on the area, plenty of rural villages in some part of the country are still very open minded, friendly and have a mixed bunch of people. Where I live does not, it is extremely narrow minded and despite me being very good socially, everyone keeps me at a real distance because I’m not like them. This is really isolating. It might be OK if me and child’s Dad had a great relationship, but we have split up, and Ex has all his family and friends nearby so it is further isolating. I am moving back to a medium sized town.

I’d say... you can make friends in a lot of places, new ones, so move to a bigger place, but choose your place wisely!

I have a son with severe learning disabilities too who will need lifetime care. We have always lived rurally with a large garden. This works for us becuase we don't have to worry about noise (my son is quite loud) and we find space to run around in, a basket swing and a trampoline is really helpful for him.

Having said this we are both pretty unsociable and have limited time to interact with others. In our rural area there is no support our son can access and his special school is an hour away by taxi. Neighbours are nice but I would not be able to ask them to help and everything is a drive.
I am happy with this as it suits my personality but from what you have said OP it does not sound like it would be right for you.

I would wait until after the pandemic is over before making any decisions. The current restrictions must be making everyones space feel smaller and will not be forever. I would certaintly not be making any decisions based on your child's future care needs now as these can change you could easily move at that point instead.

I would look into the great suggestions others have made above into what could make your home work better for you now and then reevaluate in a year or two.