To ask if you can really be friends with an ex?

[friendszone]

I've never been friends with an ex before. I married young and my ex husband is the last person I'd want to befriend. I've always scoffed at the idea of being friends with an ex and I'm extremely skeptical about the concept.

That said, I've recently ended a year long (post divorce) relationship. It didn't work out because we needed different things. He needed a lot of space and I needed a bit more affection.

It was a surprisingly difficult break up but after a few weeks we agreed we'd try to be friends.

This has morphed into a standing catch-up once a week. While we keep things genuinely platonic, it's always the highlight of my week. We just eat dinner, watch TV, laugh our heads off and chat. We tend not to keep in touch in between these meetings.

I do care about him deeply and I'm very attracted to him, but I genuinely don't pine for him or want him back. The relationship was tough on both of us. I'm dating and looking forward to finding something more suitable with someone new.

I'm just such a disbeliever in people being friends with an ex though, that I do worry about it. I worry that it has an expiry date (when one of us meets someone serious or we finally run out of things to talk about). I even question my own motives because I'm so attracted to him.

I absolutely love catching up with him though. It's like seeing an old friend that I can completely relax around and just be myself. He's much lovelier to be around as a friend than he was at the latter end of our relationship when he was very withdrawn.

I'd like to just enjoy it for what it is but I'm completely new to this concept and wondered if anyone could share experiences of staying friends with an ex.

My parents separated when I was 9/10 (I’m now 27). They have remained very good, platonic friends since then. Admittedly they obviously had a child in common which meant they would have stayed in touch anyway, but even now I live in my own home with my own partner they see each other about once a week and speak on the phone a couple of times.

Another of mum’s friends divorced her husband a long time ago & recently set him up on a date with someone else!

It isn’t the common thing and you do need to be sure it’s platonic, but it is possible to do so. I sincerely hope if my DP and I were to split, that we’d remain friends.

Well, I'm friends with my ex but that's because we have a child together. I don't think we'd still have contact if we didn't.

It’s so normal amongst my friends from university that I’m more surprised that people aren’t. Maybe because those were comparatively short relationships that ran their course 20 years ago, often with mutual friends all over the shop.

I am yes.

I don't see her anymore but we split on good terms it just wasn't forever.

We both have kids with different people now.

Just send the odd text and Facebook like that sort of thing, nothing dodgy.

My ex husband is my best friend. Definitely possible.

I used to be sceptical of people who were friends with their exes, until I became friends with one. It's really fine. I'm not friends with the others though, just this one.

One of my friends is friends with her ex-husband- and I am too!

I think it’s because their split wasn’t due to betrayals, cheating, nasty behavior, etc., they just weren’t especially happy together. They’ve both put the children first and made v. amicable and fair arrangements. The children have v. good relationships with them.

They both have new partners ( whom they all get on with) and they all spend part of Christmas together and other family celebrations. It’s the nicest split I’ve ever seen. It’s rare, unfortunately.

Course. I think it can depend on how it ended, I wouldn't be friends with someone who cheated on me multiple times as they were never my friend. If you mutually decide to split as you just want different things, why not? I'm best friends with an ex, we're both women so that may make a difference.

I'm good friends with two of my exes. DP likes them too, which saves a certain amount of strife, but wouldn't stop me being friends if otherwise.

A friend of my mom, all of the ex'es are friends, have numerous meet ups, not just Thanksgiving and Christmas. They even have a WhatsApp group.

I’ve never been on bad terms with an ex (I know I am lucky in this regard). A couple of them were good friends after we broke up for a few years, but we eventually drifted and the friendships faded. I’m not in touch with any of them anymore but would happily go for a coffee if we bumped into each other.

I’m friends with several exes, and close friends with my most significant ex (in fact we’re friends as two couples now). I think it helps that I never go back to fancying anyone once it’s over, so there’s no messiness to worry about.

The guy I'm casually seeing seems to be friends with Most of his exes and sees them regularly although swears there's it's all platonic !! Not sure what to think really !!

My long term ex, we were together for 10 years, is one of my best friends, and very good friends with my partner of 20 years, so I know it’s completely possible. I love my ex, but that romantic love morphed into an entirely platonic one after we split up (in 1998!). I don’t find him attractive though (he is gorgeous in a model, turns heads, type of way, I can see that objectively, but there is and never was post-split any physical attraction between us, he is like a brother to me)...& that is a huge difference.

Also I’ve got a lot of platonic male friends and don’t find any of them physically attractive, which makes the friendship safe. A man you find attractive is either a potential partner or (because of whatever circumstance) not a potential partner - if not a potential partner then I’d recommend you steer well clear as that can only lead to trouble or heartbreak imo..

I wouldnt go out my way to socialise with exh. But yeah I'd say we were friend in a way. We chat about work and family when swapping dd over. Text each other most days,pics of dds cats, pics of dds little days out we do her birthday party and sports day we always sit together with a coffee.

I think that did upset his most recent girlfriend (theyve since split up) but I wish she would have met me and seen the dynamic between us to reassure herself.

My exH is probably just about my best friend. We also work for the same org, though not in the same department and he’s a great source of all the gossip. I suspect whether you can be friends depends on the reason you split. We split because he realised he was gay, which came as no shock to me, and explained a lot of things! So we never really fell out, or were abusive in any way, and he’s still one of the best people I know. It took us a while to get where we are, but I have always had a lot of respect for him. He’s always been a great, hands on dad, financially generous, and we continue to spend Christmas and the kids birthdays together with our new partners. We’ll often meet in work for a coffee and have chosen to work on several projects together, because we know we can trust each other to do a decent job. I couldn’t, in a million years, imagine shagging him now though. It would be like shagging your brother or something equally gross.

I am good friends with my ex (son's Dad). It took a while but we got there, I'm very glad we did. My son is nonplussed.

My dh had one girlfriend before me, they were together about 4 years from 15-19, so serious but young. They remained friends after and I've known her as long as I've been with him. She actually ended up marrying one of dh's best mates so we are now really good friends!!

I never have but then I’ve never had an amicable break up. If it was a friend describing your situation I’d be worried that they’d be upset or hurt if he pulls away or distances himself when he meets someone new. It’s the words “highlight of your week” that make me wonder how you’ll feel when it stops.

I am. Amicable split and we’ve both married other people. I think he’s great and his wife and children are fab too. Always thought he was a lovely person - we just weren’t right together.

I can’t imagine parting from DH but if we did I would endeavour to remain friends especially as we have DC. My parents divorced when I was an adult and we are still dealing with the vitriol and fallout well over a decade later. It’s not how I would want to be and it’s certainly not something I want to expose my children or our friends to.

It's lovely to hear about PPs being friends with an ex in a platonic way. Especially if you have Dc together.

That'd be my ideal, I'm friends with several exes and even set one up with another friend. But not friends my with ExH because the relationship and split was so horrid especially his behaviour since. I do wish he'd grow up and be a good dad. I think it helps if you can respect each other and both want to put DC first

I used to coparent and be good friends with mine for a good number of years until his new partner felt jealous of our relationship and banned him coming to see his kids!

Absolutely. We didn't have children together but were a couple for years. He's a close friend and my partner doesn't mind at all. They've met and like each other. He has a partner too and it's great.

@friendszone

How do you think you would feel if he met someone else and it was no longer you he was sharing these evenings, laughs, chats, meals with? Would you be jealous or happy for him that he's met someone new?

I am only friends with one ex and that is because all the rest are awful people I don't want in my life anymore. One is a narcissist and I have gone to extreme lengths to make sure he can't contact me.

The one ex that I am friends with is someone I was friends with before we had a relationship. We parted on good terms, agreeing we'd be better as friends. We still have shared interests like our lines or work and our tastes in films. Our friendship now is completely platonic and I have no feelings for him. He is married with 2 kids. Me and DP are happy together and are expecting our first DC in January.

My ex and I probably now have a brief catch up WhatsApp chat once everyone 5 or 6 months.