Should I be allowed to read husband texts messages about me?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and MIL have a strained relationship. They don’t get on particularly well and she often texts him long messages moaning about various different things. Often she blames me for their bad relationship, that I’ve taken her son away from her etc when he just grew up and got married and made a family, and that’s what happens in life.
Is it unreasonable for me to want to read the text messages my MIL is sending him as they often mention me and our daughter? My husband doesn’t want me to read them, but his MIL often mentions my name insulting me and making little digs behind my back so I’d like to know what she’s saying about me?

You need to confront her and ask her what her problem is

I think it would be tempting but would make you feel worse. You know she doesn't like you, don't let her get under your skin more than that. Your husband needs to tell her to stop talking about you and your child!!!

Why is your husband allowing her to speak negatively about you instead of shutting her down?

That's so disloyal and disrespectful.

It's telling that she feels comfortable doing so and has no apparent expectation that your husband will object or hold it against her.

Did he not make vows to you?

In your situation I'd ask my husband why he wanted to indulge MIL's little bitching sessions about his wife and instead of protecting her was determined to endorse and protect MIL by keeping her repeated insults confidential.

Then I'd tell him that seeing as she clearly has contempt for me and for my marriage, and seeing as he can't be relied upon to protect me or shut down her insults, then I see no reason why I should see her or exposing my children to her malicious tongue again.

Frustrating though it is, no.

Why would he want to make things worse by giving you access to the shit that's meant for him? Especially when your reaction could result in even more difficulties for him?

He's dealing with her as best he can. Which includes not inflaming the situation further.

No you can’t reasonably insist he shows you messages between him and his mother.

Yes I would ask him.

His mother is attempting to undermine your relationship and saying negative things about you.

I'd absolutely want to know what he and I were dealing with. But then I'd expect a partner to show me anyway, it's disloyal not to and not to say "this stops or we don't speak, she's my wife/partner/mother of my child and I won't have her slagged off. "

If you know she's writing disparaging things about you, I assume it's because your husband has told you? I would be wondering why he would tell you this. Does he want you to feel bad or insecure? What's his point?

Did you make another thread about this? Is this the one where the MIL thinks you arent working and are leaving him to do everything when in actual fact you're the one doing everything and bringing in all the money?

If so LTB.

YABU. Of course not. He’s allowed his privacy and texts between him and his mother are none of your business regardless of whether they mention you or not.

I'd be asking DH why he is maintaining a relationship with a woman who is so critical of his wife?

Given you know she writes bad stuff about you, reading them will only hurt you more. You need a chat with DH about how things need to change, and if that means having it out with MIL then so be it.

Don't say behind someone's back what you aren't willing to say to their face. Put that to her.

I'd say that you have NO right to see what are private messages, HOWEVER, I'd be pointing out to 'D'H that it is damaging to your marriage to allow his mother to badmouth you and DC.

Ask him whether he'd be happy if your parents sent you messaged badmouthing him all the time ? Would he feel he had your love and support as a partner/ parent ? Or would he, like you, feel upset and marginalized ?

I'd also be making a point of confronting your MIL and asking her why she feels the need to try and 'blame' someone else for her poor relationship with her son.

No, it is a private conversation between them and it would be unacceptable behaviour on his part

He should be telling his mother he does not want to hear bad things about you, but you have no right to read the messages

That's not really the point. The issue is the inappropriate dynamic between the two of them where criticism of you is not an off limits topic. That's insidious and it's not something you can change. Focus on that. Asking to read texts makes you look controlling and if anything, weakens your position. The fact that the texts are there and demonstrate a toxic dynamic is the issue.

Don't go for the confrontation with your mil. She will probably love to go to your DH as a victim, putting him in the middle with more messaging etc. This is about your relationship and your DH's boundaries.

I think you need to see if he is responding to them. He needs to confront her not you.