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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About DH's Facebook use?

12 replies

Onxob · 13/09/2020 11:05

I know I was unreasonable for snooping. I know it's an invasion of privacy and it's not something I've done before but anyway I did and now I'm not sure if I'm BU to be annoyed or not.

DH has two phones one is a new work phone but he only really uses it for internet use/work WhatsApp as his old one is slow/crap. Calls are always through the old one. Anyway we had an unexpected power cut last week and I hadn't charged my phone so he left me his new one for the day while he went to work.

He's not very tech savvy and I don't think he realizes you can see search history on an iPhone. I looked through it and while most is work related the rest is Facebook. The issue is pretty much all of it is women's Facebook pages and photographs. It not every day but when he's on FB he looks at lots and lots of women's profiles. I don't think he's FB friends with all these women, I certainly don't recognize most of their names. I clicked on a lot of the links but some I couldn't see and would have had to log in to do so. The ones I can see are almost exclusively attractive women often wearing revealing clothes/sometimes bathing suits.

I feel shaken up but don't know if I'm overreacting? I know people often go having a look through random profiles for a nose but this seems excessive?

I can see he's cleared his FB search history too which seems dodgy? I don't think there's any affair as it seems to be different girls each time.

I know I can't say anything considering I was wrong to look but it's been playing on my mind all week and even typing this out makes my stomach feel queasy. AIBU to be concerned about this? Would you care if it was your partner?

OP posts:
Timinfuckingruislip · 13/09/2020 11:11

Hmm - how is he finding them? On Instagram this would sort of make sense - but Facebook works differently. Am guessing a click on someone, then their friends m, then their friends etc.

You sound like you were looking at search history rather than the activity log right?

Onxob · 13/09/2020 11:19

Yes I think you're right Tim I think he's clicking on a friend of a friend. Yes I looked at his phone search history on Safari not on his Facebook activity log. He deleted his search history on his activity log but this shows on the internet history - he obviously isn't aware of that.

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Babysharksmom · 13/09/2020 11:29

OK I'll go against the grain here and say maybe he's just seeing where people are now.
I've sometimes checked where certain exes are. Have absolutely zero feelings for any of them. Just being nosy really.

I'm happily married with a lovely husband who I would never dream on cheating on

If it upsets you then talk to him. Say you were checking something in the history tab and it lead you to seeing his fb searches.

Onxob · 13/09/2020 11:30

He's almost 40 and most of these women look to be in their twenties...

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Onxob · 13/09/2020 11:32

From what I can make out It seems he sees a profile picture that shows an attractive girl and then he clicks through to look at more pictures.

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Metothee · 13/09/2020 11:55

Hmm I wouldn't like this either OP. It's one thing having an occasional snoop at an ex/see what people are up to but from what you write he's almost exclusively going on to FB to look at much younger, scantily clad women. That's pervy and I would be uncomfortable with my DH doing that. Especially since he has attempted to delete what he's doing.

What's your relationship like generally? Have you had reason to be suspicious? I think often we ignore instincts but they are there for a reason.

Onxob · 13/09/2020 12:01

Yes Metothee that's what's making me uncomfortable, it seems so creepy.

We have two very young DDs and the relationship has definitely struggled since their arrival. He has always had a high sex drive but with sleepless nights/often having a toddler in the bed I just don't have the energy or inclination very often. There's also been resentments on my behalf as he hasn't pulled his weight with the DC (cliche mumsnet issue I know) so that's caused friction. Things aren't all bad and we generally get on well but I've definitely felt a distance lately - hence the snooping I suppose.

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Babysharksmom · 13/09/2020 12:30

Apologies op - I was wrong. Yes that wouldn't sit well with me either. Would you chat to him and admit you saw stuff?

Metothee · 13/09/2020 12:46

Oh not another poor ickle man who can't cope with less sex when his poor wife is overwhelmed with exhaustion because he's not pulling his weight.. Of course he goes and creeps on younger women Envy

I don't know what to suggest OP but I'd be keeping an eye on that search history...

Onxob · 13/09/2020 12:52

I wouldn't know what to say Babysharksmom I know he'd straight away go on the defensive and turn the blame on me for snooping and considering he hasn't actually chatted to any of these girls (that I know of anyway) I imagine he'll tell me I'm mad about nothing? I suppose I'm embarrassed for snooping too so it would be hard to admit to.

I just feel a bit sick. I've never thought he'd be the pervy type so I feel a bit shocked that there's possibly a side to him I have no idea about. Makes me doubt things.

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Hont1986 · 13/09/2020 12:57

I think YABU really. He hasn't done anything other than gawp at strangers' profiles. I'd be more annoyed by the snooping.

Regularsizedrudy · 13/09/2020 13:11

It sounds like he’s just having a harmless snoop tbh. It wouldn’t bother me unless there were messages

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