To have this conversation with my parent?

[IBuildRaceCars]

My parents divorced when I was younger. One cheated and it was very messy, there was a lot that went on that I won't go into here as it would take to long but it resulted in the wronged parent really hating the other with a passion.

I was involved in this far far too much as a child. I was told everything that happened, I was not allowed to speak about the other parent infront of them, they would tell me how much they hated them regularly and how they wished I would cut them off too.

This carried on into adulthood and is still the same now. The lead up to my wedding was horrible, the thought of them being in the same room. This parent and I had an argument at one point because they didn't want me to invite the other one, didn't think they deserved to come etc etc, didn't want to be seated near them, 'tell them they best not speak to me' and all the rest of it. This was coming up to nearly 13 years after they divorced.

Now I'm having a child. And I've already had a brief passing comment about 'I wonder how we'll arrange visiting times'.

AIBU to sit down now and say enough is enough. I will absolutely not have my child placed in the middle like I was. I do not want a single bad word spoken about the other parent in front of my child like it was to me, I want my child to be able to speak openly about what they have done with their other grandparent without fear of causing upset, I will not have separate visiting times, birthday parties, all the rest of it and I will no longer go out of my way at all to make it easy for everyone but me. AIBU to tell them to grow up now and get over it and if I hear that anything negative has been said to my child about the other parent as they get older then I will not allow them to see them.

To be honest after what I experienced, I want my child growing up have no clue that their grandparents despise each other and I don't want to tolerate any less. These are adults for crying out loud and I've had enough.

Actualy YABU. It shouldn't be a conversation. You need to tell that parent what you think and feel in short, precise sentences. And then tell them they need to think it over and get back to you when they are ready to be a parent and grandparent instead of a perpetual wo/man scorned.

They don't have to change their feelings abut the other parent, just how they act and force you and your DC to be part of those acts.

You're right. I feel like it just needs to be said and then an 'end of discussion, let me know'.

If this hadn't been handled so badly I may be a bit more sympathetic but it was horrible for me and so I just refuse now to make any effort to arrange separate this or that. They will just have to learn to get over it. They have a child together and now a grandchild.

I've always gone along with it for an easy life. Just nodded and been sympathetic and just internally rolled my eyes. But now I feel very protective that my child will not experience the same thing.

I find it very childish when grown adults do this - I've heard it a few times. You were their child, not their friend, and they were wrong to include you in it all. 13 years down the line they really ought to have got over the break up too. I think the previous poster is right. You just have to tell them, enough. You don't want your child growing up in this environment and it stops, now. I feel for you, it's going to be a tough conversation

Just tell both parties that you won’t allow them to bad mouth each other. Visits are separate, I don’t expect my divorced parents to share a room with the exception of my wedding and my DC christening.

Completely agree, OP. I was in a similar position to you growing up, and it's not pleasant. Fortunately my parents mellowed a bit over the years, so by the time it came for me to be married, they could behave themselves in the same room as each other and be civil if they did have to speak. Your parent(s) need to understand how their behaviour affects everyone around them. They may be carrying a lot of anger within themselves towards their former spouse, and that probably isn't doing them much good either. Imagine holding on to that for all those years! A very frank conversation may be a much-needed wake-up call for them.

@Keratinsmooth

Just tell both parties that you won’t allow them to bad mouth each other. Visits are separate, I don’t expect my divorced parents to share a room with the exception of my wedding and my DC christening.

Thanks.

Regarding the visits, I'm not expecting them to always come at the same time. But they were referring to if by the time I give birth (next year) you're allowed hospital visitors, how are we going to arrange it. I'm just going to say, I'm not thinking about that when I've just had a baby and neither is DH. If they end up at the hospital at the same time then so be it, they'll have to accept it.

I'm also not having separate birthday celebrations for my child. So if they don't want to come then whatever but I'm not doing another one for each of them.

Actually it wouldn't be 'whatever' if they chose not to come to birthdays or christening etc.. I'd be really pissed off if they didn't. Because it would be yet another example of them putting their feelings above what's best for me/their grandchild.

And I'm not having a repeat of my wedding 'tell them not to speak to me, tell them not to come near me, if they look at me I'll tell them to piss off'.

They need to get a grip now. It's gone on too long. I'm not passing messages between them every birthday or event.

YANBU at all. My parents divorced when I was 18 and had a horrible few years where they couldn't/wouldn't cooperate and as pp's have suggested, I sat them down and gave them a bit of a bollocking, outlining what I would and wouldn't tolerate.

I've realised as I've grown older that actually thee have been moments where I've had to speak to my parents as their equal, not as their daughter, and whilst I love and cherish them, I wouldn't let any other adults behave badly in my home so won't accept it from them, either.

Life has become easier as the years have gone by, but doing two sets of events and celebrations because they dislike one another is ridiculous and isn't sustainable for you and your family.

OP, I had pretty much the same context as you with my parents and we have achieved what you are hoping for now dc is here!
They are all very good now and attend birthday parties together etc and even chat nicely.
Sometimes I think, perhaps they could have managed it a bit sooner for me when I was a child, but I'm mostly happy to have moved to the new positive situation all round. You can do it! New child coming into the family is a chance to reset some parameters.

That bit about your wedding... use it

Parent. This has to stop. You ruined my wedding with your 'tell them not to speak to me, tell them not to come near me, if they look at me I'll tell them to piss off'. You will not ruin my parenthood, or my child's life with it too! Enough is enough!

What is it about that generation? Making it all about them when this time (and wedding) should be about you, and how they can support you.

They are in the wrong for putting you in this position. Definitely say something but expect sulking and more bad behaviour.

You are defiantly not being unreasonable- the situation is ridiculous and they both need to suck it up.
They need to be able to sit in the same room make small talk at the important birthdays, christenings etc.

They need to suck it up and get on with it.

In my position the wedding would have been the tipping point for me, I would have lost it with them after!

It’s something that totally needs to be said as clearly they’ve not considered just how selfish they are being. Their relationship broke down, stuff happens- they need to move on and put their children and DGC first

What is it about that generation? Aaaah! The generalisation.

Wonder what it is about the generation that does that?

They sound very selfish.

What a miserable life they gave you post divorce.

What a pity you allowed them to ruin your wedding.
Far better to have said "don't come".

Their behaviour of you was, and is, emotional abuse.

Do not think for a moment you have not been damaged by this.

You should start as you mean to go by pulling away, and taking some time to decompress from their toxicity.

Good grandparents are such a blessing.

BUT, you know first hand that your parents put themselves ahead of what was best, and healthy for their child, you.

They are not good grandparent material, .....based on their past actions.

Personally I would tell them, "neither of you are welcome at the hospital".

You need to stop thinking of them and put YOURSELF FIRST.........just like they have done for 13 years.

Don't let them pollute this special time with a new baby with their selfishness.

No advice but wow, I could have written this!! If you find out a solution please let me know!! I really feel for you. It's so hard :(

I hate my ex husband. He was a terrible husband and cruel during the divorce and just plain nutty when I met someone else. It never occurred to be not to be civil in company. Have that talk and be clear they need to be polite to each other because this Grandchild will not be having a relationship with anyone who acts in a way that harms her.

Congratulations! Both on your child and finally deciding not to play any more.

how are we going to arrange it. 'We' are not going to arrange it, you are! You can ask my DH if he knows when other parent is visiting and arrange yourself around it if he happens to know. Otherwise you're going to have to make your own decisions/grow up/ deal with it, as appropriate.

It sounds like the wronged parent has wanted to create a united unit of you and them and you haven't complied, but in their head you accept the need to protect them from having to deal with your non- compliance.

Personally I don't think you should tell them to get over it, instead that you will no longer be putting their feelings about it all before your and your families needs.
Don't tell them what to do, or how they should feel etc, it's still taking a form of responsibility and you need to stop doing that, take responsibility for yourself, dh, and child, tell them what you wont be doing IYSWIM.
Definitely no separate birthday parties etc if you find your hatred of X overrides your love of your grandchild then that's your problem, or grandma can come mornings only, grandpa afternoons only, and if that means missing out on parts of it all that's your issue not ours.

I've always found blanket ultimatums have unintended consequences.

if I hear that anything negative has been said to my child about the other parent as they get older then I will not allow them to see them.

You can threaten that, but I'd think it through. They grow up so fast, and behavior doesn't usually emerge at the beginning. Suppose they have a great relationship with their grandchild for the first few years and then start as child becomes older? You could end up doing a different but similar thing to your child as was done to you, as you try to prevent them seeing a now much loved grandma/pa because of what they're saying about the other one.

It's your choice but I'd suggest that while you might threaten it with one hand, you might be better off contemplating bringing your child up to understand that you can love two people who have fallen out with each other and refuse to get involved, as opposed to not taking sides as you tried to do.

I taught a child to confidently say " I'm only a child, please don't involve me' and change the subject, every time something was raised. They've grown up able to tell others what they will and won't tolerate politely and firmly.

You need to sit down your parent who is still quite vocal about how 'wronged' they were by the other and tell them it ends now. And if they can't, then they won't be welcome at family gatherings that you host. Not the other parent, them.

It's not unreasonable to expect them to act like a grown up and display civility and politeness in front of you and your own child. You have a right to a relationship with both parents if you want one. Their relationship is separate to yours with each of them.

Stand firm on this. And good luck.

Newgirls
What is it about that generation?
You are seriously naive and in for a difficult time if you think it's a specific generation rather than types of maladaptive behavior playing out.
I've had three young (20's) people recently react to news I need an operation, with tears about how upsetting this for them, as apparently it brings home that their parents will die on them.
I can see they range from to fragile to egotistical, it would be weird if I thought it was their generation rather than them, that was the issue.

Yanbu . This is a conversation you need to have. Your wronged parent appears to remain far too wrapped up in their own past to consider the effect they have had and are still having on you when they expect everything to revolve around their own hurt feelings they continue to wallow in. Your post is very clear and only you will know whether the message you need to get across to your parent is best delivered as a conversation( which your parent may utilize to drag up all their reasons why their ex partner deserves to be hated and avoided by them) or as a letter

My parents were non amicable, the only time I saw them meet after the divorce was at a funeral where they sat in different rows and kept out of each other's way. Geographically DF isn't close enough to visit often anyway.

DH's mum is an absolute model of how to do it. His dad walked out on his mum leaving her with two small kids in an area they'd just moved to, away from all her family and friends.

You would never know. In public, MIL is polite, interested, gracious and warm to FIL and his wife (who he left her for).

I think it's hugely impressive that she does that. I am not sure I could do that myself tbh.

You have to do this. And you genuinely will.
My parents did not divorce but there were years of misery, low level arguing, sniping. I was groomed to appease them all. And it all.
The very first time they did it when I was visiting with dd1, I just picked up my keys, packed the car and left.
They never did it again.