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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh dropped a patio slab on my foot and barely apologised!

50 replies

whatisforteamum · 12/09/2020 19:58

After last week's thread where I didn't know whether my job or dh was dragging me down.
The general consensus was dh.I had a dreadful day at work and made a mistake which I quickly rectified but felt bad about.The next day a junior member of staff I have had issues with before decided to use mask wearing to not communicate or speak to me for the day which made life difficult as.we.need to speak regularly.They claimed they were unwell so I let them go home early which was silly as they hung around with another dept for over an hour.
I then saw dh today where I asked him if he was happy just staying in his room watching sport and going out with his mates.
He said he was apart from the infrequent sexlife.
I pointed out that if he bothered with me emotionally instead of just keep saying do u want a shag.It was a couple of yrs since df died this week and he never mentioned it claiming I never mentioned his dm s passing as it was 44 yrs ago.
Then we were gardening and he moved a garden slab chucked it down on my sandaled foot saying I thought you had moved!!
He refuses to say sorry to anyone ever.Dd has pointed this out too when she lived at home.I would expect some concern tbh.
I'm feeling very low tonight like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
A colleague said I am too soft that is why my junior is off with me.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 12/09/2020 20:55

How is your foot?
If it is painful get it checked out . If asked what happened be honest.
He is way out of order, and you are not safe with him. You deserve better. He is a bully .
Good wishes .

Shockingstocking · 12/09/2020 20:56

He doesn't sound very nice and you don't sound like you like him.

fatgirlslimmer · 12/09/2020 20:57

@whatisforteamum

It is a decorative circular stone made of concrete.If he wasn't in a temper he would see I hadn't moved.Even so I would be really sorry if I did that to someone.Embarrassed even.
OP said her DH was in a temper here.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/09/2020 21:06

I'm more alarmed at the DVD incident, that sounds vicious and purposeful. OP, why are you still married to this twat? Your junior is neither here nor there, sort out your relationship and don't be distracted by what's going on at work, you can have a quick, sharp word and it's done. Your husband is more of a task. Shock

katy1213 · 12/09/2020 21:09

This sounds very muddled. The work problem is trivial and shouldn't be dragging you down, and you shouldn't be bringing it home with you.
Your husband sounds loutish; the answer to 'Do you want a shag?' will always be 'No.' However, you are unreasonable to expect him to remember your father's anniversary without a prompt; it's sad, but it's not going to be engraved on anyone's heart but your own.
Sounds like neither of you either like or respect each other - so why stay? Or is the answer 'because anything's better than nothing?' Which is your choice - a bad choice, but still a choice.

Marj99 · 12/09/2020 21:12

@whatisforteamum

No nothing broken accidentally.I do think he is jealous of my late df and my career though.I have always saved some to get away.I did think he had mellowed though.
Do you think he respects you ? Do you think he is interested in your emotional well-being ? Do you think he is kind to you ? Do you think he wants to see you grow in your profession or career ? If the answer is no then why are you with him ? What is it that keeps you there ?
Zaphodsotherhead · 12/09/2020 21:30

The last two men I left, I left because they thought that sex without any kind of emotional input or support was a perfectly valid way to continue.

Honestly, you will feel so much better about yourself if you get away from a man who thinks that 'fancy a shag' will turn you on so much that he will be irresistable.

PumpkinPie2016 · 12/09/2020 21:41

Sorry OP but I would be making plans to leave him asap. You can contact women's aid for adviceFlowers

If dropping the paving stone on your foot had been a genuine accident, any normal person would have been mortified and full of apologies. I'm not convinced it was entirely accidental.

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 12/09/2020 21:41

My first though really was 'why the hell are you with him', convenience, fear??? If you let people treat you like that, they will. You deserve better. I would rather be alone. At least that way of have a chance of meeting a nice human/potential partner. While your chained to a miserable, mean excuse for a man, you have no chance of being happy?

Out of curiosity: when was the last time you were happy as a couple, years, months, weeks?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2020 21:58

So you're asking if it's your DH or your junior that's the 'issue'. Why can't it be both?

Sounds as if neither your DH nor your junior respect you very much. You may not be able to get rid of the junior (unless you have the authority to sack) but you certainly can get rid of the husband.

You say his mother died 44 years ago. Unless that's a typo, sounds as if you've probably been in an unhappy marriage for a very long time. Ever heard of a 'Silver Separation'? You may want to consider one.

Serengetiqueen · 12/09/2020 22:48

OP....I think you need a holiday (staycation) without your DH.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 12/09/2020 22:49

I did just ask him a out the earlier incident .He became defensive and said he did say sorry he thought I was going my foot back.Same thing he says if he steps on my foot.!!
The same if I ever cook for him.He won't say thank you.DS and I do for everything given or made for us.
His dm died a decade before we met.I probably didn't understand grief being 20 as I had never lost anyone.DS doesn't know how we are together.I must admit I have little to no RL support as I am always working.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 12/09/2020 22:50

Yes I do Serengeti queen.

OP posts:
LightUpLetters · 12/09/2020 22:57

Can you manage on your own financially?

If so leave him. You’ll feel so much better on your own

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 12/09/2020 23:21

I would expect him to remember df s passing as I put a photo of him on social media as did dm.I have never lived alone though.

OP posts:
Mixedandproud · 12/09/2020 23:30

Better to live alone than with a man like this surely?
What positive things does he bring to your life?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2020 02:14

His dm died a decade before we met.I probably didn't understand grief being 20

He's using 'whataboutism' on you. You mention something that bothers you NOW and rather than discuss it with you he says "What about you not mentioning my mother's death?". If it bothers him that you don't remember his mother's passing he should have brought that up at the time. Instead he used it to turn the tables and make you feel bad. IMO it's a form of DARVO and a way to 'negate' your feelings.

Still think you'd be happier without him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being unhappy? As we get older (I know, you're not 'that old') it should be a time of freedom (kids are grown!) and relaxation (retirement!). We've worked too hard and put up with too much in live to be unhappy when we should be able relax, do what we want, and live in peace.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/09/2020 03:07

I’m sorry but it sounds accidentally on purpose to me after reading what he did to you with the DVD.
On another note why are you letting a junior worker act like your pocket sized boss.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/09/2020 08:33

Awwlookatmybabyspider.I guess this last yr I've been struggling with the menopause.Some fatigue flushes and generally not my upbeat self.HRT is working wonders now.Then this teen who was an apprentice passes some exams that I did decades ago and thinks he is all that.
Normally I am a very assertive person quite outspoken but this lad and another school leaver who left have decided to treat me in an offhand manner.
I told newish boss and he seemed unsupportive.So now I have to write lists but not nag,ask again.The thing is he was messing something up so when I gently mentioned it he blew up at me.I then had to sort it out the next day myself.Everywhere I have ever worked I have been treated as a hard working respected person.I am well organised and a get up and go type.I have no idea why I am letting this lad walk all over me and I think he wants my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/09/2020 08:53

Acrossthepond he has said the age gap is showing as he is 60 now and I am over 6 yrs his junior.He works less hours than me but isn't physically fit and never looked after himself.He is a manchild really.He rolls and mocks me.He does a shocked wide eyes look and shakes his head if i say anything he doesn't like.He was fine in lockdown when I did all the cooking now I get home at 1030 our DS has been doing it.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2020 14:17

@whatisforteamum

So, why are you staying with him? I don't think you have that much of an age gap, my parents were 7 years apart and they always treated each other with love and respect. One of my BFFs is 13 years younger than her DH and he treats her like a queen. Don't make excuses for his bad behaviour. My DH and I are actually older than your DH and we certainly don't behave like old curmudgeons. Don't think you have to tolerate his nasty behaviour because 'he's getting old'. That's absolute nonsense.

How old is your DS? If he's an adult (and setting your DH's arseholiness aside) I don't really see a problem with him cooking. He's an adult member of the household and should contribute to the running of it. Our youngest (adult) son lives at home and he certainly has household work to do, the same as DH and I. If he's a teen or younger then of course he shouldn't be responsible for cooking.

Only you can decide if you want to continue living the way you are. Your DH isn't going to change. So you'll either have to put up with it and be unhappy or make a radical change (get rid of him) and be happy.

As far as work, you've become 'an old person' to the members of staff who are much younger than you. To them you are now a 'relic' and cannot possibly have any knowledge that they 'the NEW generation' could possibly benefit from. It happens to most of us (regardless of sex) at some point. Again you can either put up with it or you can assert yourself in a pointed but non-aggressive way.

I wonder how much 'walking on eggshells' with your DH you've done over the years and how that is affecting your non-assertive behaviour at work. That's something you may want to explore.

Florencex · 13/09/2020 14:25

I have the sweetest, kindest husband in the world. But there is no way he would remember the dates (even month / year) when my parents and sister died, even though we were married at the times. So I would let that one go.

I didn’t really understand the colleague issue but it doesn’t sound like much of one. Your DH should have had more concern for dropping a paving slab on your foot, although I also would have expected that to break your foot.

GoldfishParade · 13/09/2020 14:29

The DVD thing is terrible.

So he wrapped his hands around yours, as you held the DVD, and pressed them hard enough for the DVD to splinter and presumably cut you?

He sounds like a fucking prick.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/09/2020 15:06

Yes goldfish.It was one half.He can see red.At the time I had teen dcs so took a picture of the splinters and mentally swallowed it as I didn't want to break the family up.
It shook me up though.All the neighbours think we'll of him.I guess they never have seen his temper which makes me feel even more lonely.Why is everyone saying my foot would be broken.It isnt.!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2020 16:01

I don't think your foot would break just because someone drops something on it. My DH accidentally dropped a large rock on my bare foot and it was terribly bruised and swollen but it didn't break. I did go to the doctor to have it x-rayed to be sure since bones can 'crack' without being totally broken. Plus the skin was broken and I needed a Tetanus booster anyway.

But I will say that my DH was horrified by what happened and apologized over and over. And he was the one who insisted I see a doctor.

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