To think this isn't normal DM behaviour?

[WhyIsSheLikeThis]

DM complains that I'm rude to her and don't understand her, and "you'll see how it is when your own children grow up".
I do get that to some extent I'll always be her little girl but I think she takes it too far.

I'm 31, moved out when I was 18 and am fully self sufficient, but DM can't accept I'm no longer a child in constant need of telling what to do. Almost every interaction descents into nagging, cajoling, unsolicited advice and negative comments.

A typical conversation goes like this:
DM: "Do you want lunch?"
Me: "I'm ok thanks, not hungry just now."
DM: "You're not hungry? But it's noon, you need to eat lunch."
Me: "No, really."
DM: "You need to eat more regularly. Are you eating enough vegetables? You're looking pale. Let me make you lunch."
Me: "Right, OK, just a cheese and tomato sandwich then."
DM then pulls out every ingredient one by one and offers it to me.
"Do you also want cucumber? Do you want butter? Do you want this cheese or that? Ooh and I have basil, it's organic, Brenda down the road gave it to me, she grew it herself...you remember Brenda, she had that crazy cat that bit everyone and her daughter has a new boyfriend, you remember Sarah don't you?"

She's also told me I'll need to lose the baby belly (I'm 14 weeks post partum), that I used to be elegant but am far from it now and walks with the pram don't count as exercise, that I need to breastfeed until 6 months as formula is "unnatural" and women who bottle feed just can't be bothered to breastfeed (knowing fine well I was struggling with low supply and barely sleeping), and when I was pregnant wouldn't believe me that the leggings I was wearing weren't uncomfortable because they looked too tight to her and they'd "damage the baby".

Asserting my boundaries calmly and firmly doesn't work, neither does explaining how she makes me feel (suffocated, undermined, irritated, hurt). It goes in one ear and out the other, or she says I'm too sensitive and she's just trying to help. The only thing that gets her to back off is shouting "JUST SHUT UP", which I'm not proud of but I get so exasperated.
It's a relief when she leaves but then I feel guilty because I do love her and one day she'll be gone for good, and I'll miss her.

Not sure what I want people to say, just needed to vent I guess.

Difficult. Presumably she’s always been like this but the new baby has given her a new level of Knowing Best? Try to let some of it go but the odd outburst is perfectly ok.

I don’t think you’ll have much luck at changing her. Is she lonely?

To me the first one sounds like mothering/caring for you and everything else is rudeness.

Mine used to do a lot of this but I ignored and made my own choices and she now talks about what a good parent I am. Even with some choices that she was totally resistant to!

Sounds exactly like my mum.

Tried repetition? Might make the point without being overtly rude?

DM: "Do you want lunch?"
Me: "I'm ok thanks, not hungry just now."
DM: "You're not hungry? But it's noon, you need to eat lunch."
Me: "I'm ok thanks, not hungry just now."
DM: "You need to eat more regularly. Are you eating enough vegetables? You're looking pale. Let me make you lunch."
Me: "I'm ok thanks, not hungry just now."
DM then pulls out every ingredient one by one and offers it to me.
"Do you also want cucumber? Do you want butter? Do you want this cheese or that? Ooh and I have basil, it's organic, Brenda down the road gave it to me, she grew it herself...you remember Brenda, she had that crazy cat that bit everyone and her daughter has a new boyfriend, you remember Sarah don't you?"
Me: "I'm ok thanks, not hungry just now."

I reduced my mum's habit of talking over me by stopping dead as soon as she opened her mouth to interject; waiting till she'd finished; then carrying on from where I was. She was about 95 by then. Wish I'd thought of it 40 years earlier.

Just say 'I'm going for a lie down, see yourself out.' Every time and take the baby with you, she'll learn to shut up.

Leave as soon as she doesn't accept your answer. She'll learn how to shut up then if it means not seeing you.

@MatildaTheCat I don't think she's lonely, she has a partner, job, volunteering and membership of a number of clubs, plus we FaceTime most days.
Yes she's always been like this, and I've always has an aversion to being fussed and hovered over, even as a child. I used to be able to get away with a weekly phone call but now the baby is here she wants more frequent FaceTiming. I don't want to deny her that because it's her only grandchild but I often find myself speaking to her through gritted teeth.

@Coffeecak3
@rorosemary
She lives far away so visits have to be for several days at least. Maybe I'll just send her to the next room 😆 I feel I could cope with her in smaller doses but she's just left after a week-long visit and I feel I need another week just to recover.

Lots of Mum's are like this, well older Mum's are. Just go with the flow. you may be the same when you get older. I wish my Mum was still around, with her usual standard of repeating everything, and her amusing and odd ball comments. I say some of them myself now, as her comments have become ingrained, and still make me laugh.

When you were little, how often did you see your GM? And did Facetime exist?

You are probably seeing her more than you saw your own grandparents so please stop feeling guilty on the 'only grandchild' front.

Somehow you need to move your relationship from adult-child to adult-adult.

Instead of letting her wind you up to the point you burst and could throw her out of the window (sympathies, I had the same from my DM) are their things you can challenge.

For example - I just gave up and let her enjoy mothering me on some points, if she wanted to do my washing, I let her.
On others I just filtered out the conversation and ignored it.
And if it really mattered I did point out I was in my mid-30s and knew when I wasn't hungry.

We are at least 15 years on from this now - she's just been for a week and rearranged my garden. But she didn't get to cook (a result!) so I think both of us had our needs met.

By first saying you don't want lunch but then relenting and accepting a cheese sandwich you are reinforcing her belief that if she nags / offers long enough she will eventually get you to do what she wants. Consistency is as important with difficult parents as it is when parenting your own children...

@weltenbummler That's a good point...maybe I do have to "parent" her a little 😆

@AnnaMagnani Thing is I did see my grandmother quite a lot. I'm from a culture where it's common for 3 generations to live together and for GMs to have lots of involvement with bringing up the children. It's also common for mothers to "baby" their grown up children. If I tune her out she'll just stand there repeating the same thing and then shouting "are you not listening?"

NO! You don't have to 'parent' her, you have to treat her like a fellow adult.

What would you do if a work colleague told you you must need lunch, and started telling you must be hungry even though you aren't? It would be totally inappropriate because adults don't treat other adults like that.

When you say you aren't hungry, then have lunch anyway you prove to her that you are still her little baby who doesn't know when she is hungry and needs mothering.

If you gave an adult answer, say - 'Actually Mum, I don't usually get hungry until 1.30. That's my normal lunchtime. But you go ahead and have lunch now if you want it' it would be much clearer

If she kept on at you, then you could cut her off 'I've told you I am having lunch, just not now. I'm 31, I do know what a vegetable is - you taught me all about them'

Oh cross posted. Then you have a culture clash.

I'd go with:

What can you put up with - let her feel like she is still mothering you
What can you let go in one ear and out the other
What is a hard boundary

@AnnaMagnani See it's not the actual lunch-making that bothers me. I don't mind her making me food or hoovering the house, or whatever other care-taking makes her feel good.
It's the accompanying monologue and 100 questions. I just wish she'd get on with things without it being a big faff. It's the same in the supermarket..."ooh what will be buy, oh no this has too many preservatives, let's read the label for ages, ooh how about this random thing, oh no actually let's not, let's buy this other thing instead..." Aaargh

My mum was always like this. It's got to the point where I'll see her, but I end up giving one word answers to everything. I can't talk about anything on television because she'll bark "What? Never 'eard of it." I can't talk about going hiking - she thinks that's 'barmy', or about a walk, because she'll demand to know the name of the location and then "Never 'eard of it", I can't talk about work ("load of rubbish") or my sport participation ("waste of time") or my side-business ("load of bloody rubbish") or what I've cooked lately ("Waste of time, what's wrong with ready meals?") or... well, anything really.

So she comes in and I say hello, and she talks and talks and if she asks me anything I say absolutely as little as possible. Yes. No. I use "I don't know" LOADS, that one's good fun. "Perhaps."

Frankly she hasn't noticed. But it does mean that because I never a view, she cannot take the opposing view. Which was all it was in the end. I said A and she would say B. Now that I never say A and I basically just nod, she can't argue.

The more words you use the more she will argue. If you want to keep seeing her just stick with "No, thank you." Do you want lunch, a cucumber, a yacht, a hernia, "No thank you." Why? "I'm not hungry." You must be. "No, thank you." Act like you only own two flashcards and you are raising them in response. No, thank you. You'll hear some choked gasps as she desperately tries to form an argument out of it ("You're being SULLEN!") but it can be effective.

All I can advise is to massively lower your standards and be grateful that you have more in your life than a trip to the supermarket.

If it's really bad, just get your phone out and Mumsnet. Be honest 'Are you listening?' 'No, mum, just waiting for you to finish' and move on.

Remember - you are her beloved child and the mother of her beloved grandchild. However annoying you are to her, she loves you more than life itself.